Hello Trashies! How are you? Are you having a good weekend? I’m so sorry this recap is late. I had a very busy week at work, and this is the first time I’ve been able to even watch Wednesday’s episode. Because of that, this recap will be light on screen pics because I want to get this to you sooner rather than later. With that, let’s get started!
We join the Brawn camp post-Tribal. There’s what looks like a stray dog watching them from the bushes. Awww, come here little guy! J/k. That creature looks super creepy. Lurch asks Blondie if she trusts them now. Now? After they came within a vote of sending her home? She says she does trust them now, and Lurch says they now trust her. He says it in a way that makes me think he’s going to constantly throw this in her face no matter what happens. She tells us that she heard Earworm and Tattoo whispering that they were gonna change their vote. The problem is, she doesn’t know which way they were going, rendering her confused:
Okay, last week I was giving her the benefit of the doubt because I frown upon judging someone’s intellect based on the color of his or her hair. BUT, after watching Blondie and Earworm attempt to start a fire, and hearing Blondie say they “had an embryo, but it went out,” when she meant to say “ember,” I have to concede another checkmark against this “mental giant.”
The next day, we join the Beauty Queens. Everyone but Tai is in the water fishing for giant clams. Tai looks on and is frustrated he can’t use this opportunity to go look for an idol. If I were him, I’d say fuck it. He’s already been caught trying to find an idol. The tribe has clearly alienated him, so GO LOOK FOR THE IDOL, TAI. Every damn season people lose this game by “doing the right thing” and trying to placate people who don’t give a single fuck about anything but themselves. He finally overcomes his pointless guilt and goes to search for the idol. He finds a clue to the idol in a tree. The clue literally reads: “The idol is buried at the foot of this tree.” Really, Survivor? Has it come to this? We’re not even supposed to expect the player to decipher a clue or (as of last season) try to grab the idol during an immunity challenge without attracting the attention of other players? The clue says he will “need a key to open this box.” I can’t make out the words on the clue, but he has to follow the map to get the clue and even with him reading the clue, I’m confused about what exactly he has to do. He identifies the tree he needs by looking for a giant, obvious package secured high up on the trunk. He struggles with climbing the tree and gives up.
After commercials, we join the Brains at camp. Silver Fox dumps a generous pour of kerosene into a pit while Neal, the ice cream entrepreneur, squats down right next to the fire pit and drops a lit match into it. He’s astonished that the hair on his legs are immediately singed off. He’s lucky that’s the only thing he lost. Liz, the government worker, wants to boil the water before they drink it. Debbie, the Red Lobster waitress/quantum physicist, says she can tell whether or not water is safe just by looking at it. She asserts she has “an immune system like a horse.” OMG, Obama tells us that when he first met Debbie, he wondered whether she had 30 cats or 40 cats. Cats need very clean drinking water for their legendary fucked up kidneys, so I’m guessing she serves premium water to her 40 cats. She starts rambling on about women with big breasts who jog, and I suddenly need more wine. Obama tells us he wants to keep Debbie around because she’s so socially awkward. To drive home his point, the editors show us Debbie shouting, “We have the biggest frontal LOBES!”
Next we join Beauty as they eat some sugar cane for breakfast. Tai and Caleb exchange some sexual banter while Caleb whittles his wood. Caleb tells us he enjoys Tai’s company because he (Tai) is so unusual. I agree. I would love to spend a day with Tai. The women comment about the bromance between Caleb and Tai while Tai encourages Caleb to “suck the eyes” out of something. They all seem to like each other, so that’s a refreshing change for this show.
After the break, we join Brains, and they’re realizing they’re running low on kerosene. Apparently, the kerosene ate away at the rubble stopper on the bottle, which lay on its side all night. So they’re SOL. Joe thinks he and Debbie are the only ones with legit survival skills. Everyone is pissed at him about the kerosene, and Liz is freaking out because Joe isn’t paying attention to her need for pristine water. She tells us she needs to “hide” herself for awhile until the fire is going. I’ll point out here that she apparently didn’t bother to learn how to make fire without kerosene, matches and/or flint before the show because she is doing nothing to start this fire that is so critical to her well-being:
Over at Brawn, Lurch is giving up on starting a fire. Tattoo has a wicked sunburn, and Earworm just rolls her eyes at being stuck with these idiots. Blondie spends the next FIVE HOURS trying to make a fire as everyone else naps. She finally gets a fire going, and everyone thanks her, but only because Tattoo makes them do it. They have a feast and feel like they’re back in the game.
After the break, it’s time for the immunity challenge: the teams must race through a river and pick up a heavy log and bring it through some obstacles and over to a cradle. Once there, they need to untie a ball from the log and launch it at a target. The first two teams to hit two targets win immunity. First prize is a large fishing kit and a boat. Second prize is a smaller fishing kit. Losers, per usual, get jack shit. Debbie (Red Lobster waitress) sits out for Brains. Julia (the sorority chick in the BU hat) sits out for Beauty. I didn’t think anyone could be more annoying than Probst during the challenges, but Debbie has accomplished the unthinkable. She runs her mouth nonstop cheering on her tribe complete with grass pom-pons. Beauty is first to get through the obstacles, so they get ready to launch balls. Brawn is just behind them, while Brains straggles behind in last place. Beauty’s balls are tangled up in the rope, which gives Brawn and Brains some time to catch up. Caleb launches and hits his first target. Lurch misses his. Obama hits his target. Lurch finally hits a target, but Caleb lands his second shot and secures first place immunity for Beauty. Obama hits his second target securing second place immunity for Brains. Brawn will go to tribal again.
After the break, we join Brawn at their camp. Lurch gives a half-hearted apology for missing so many targets. He tells us that the tribe, minus Blondie, is strong and he’d be shocked if one of them turned at Tribal. Gee, I wonder if someone’s going to turn at Tribal….Tattoo tells us again how useless and dumb Blondie is. He says she’s like an ostrich: a bird that can’t fly. Blondie senses the tension in the tribe and tells them she’s going to take a walk. Like a smart player, she’s going to search for the immunity idol. Lurch and Tattoo lounge around and trade barbs about Blondie’s intellect. They’re certain she’ll never find the idol because she’s too dumb. Earworm tells us that she’s over Tattoo and his ego. The editors, as if we need anymore evidence that Tattoo is gross, treats us to a shot of him delivering a thunderous belch.
Earworm asks Blondie what the best thing is she can do in this game. She replies “Be honest?” HA! No, girl. Try again. “Win challenges?” NO, but that helps. Earworm says she needs to knock out the strongest players early. Blondie pounces on this and says she knows it would be easy to just vote her off, but she thinks a big move would be better. She proposes voting off either Lurch or Tattoo. Earworm agrees and tells Cydney (the bodybuilder) the plan for an all-girl alliance. Cydney seems on board. The ladies return to camp, and the Wonder Twins suddenly realize that, duh, maybe their plan to oust Blondie isn’t so rock solid. Lurch asks Earworm if she’s still with them. She assures him everything is fine. She tells us that she likes Lurch and doesn’t want to blindside him, so now she’s unsure of what to do. She tells Cydney that she’s confused about what to do, and now Cydney doesn’t feel good about how Tribal is gonna go down.
Tribal: Jeff starts by asking Blondie how she feels since she was very close to going home last time. She says she thinks she’s contributed more around camp and in challenges this time. Tattoo smirks. Does he not remember that they were able to eat a meal thanks to her? Jeff asks Earworm about all the ways the vote could go tonight. She stupidly reveals there has been some chatter and back and forth about what to do. This comes as a total shock to the Wonder Twins. Cydney just throws her arms up in disgust that the plan has now been outed. Lurch rips Earworm a new one over her statement that things are “up in the air.” She tries to do damage control by saying that just because other ideas were discussed doesn’t necessarily mean anything has changed. The guys aren’t buying it. Next, she says it was Blondie’s idea to have an all-girl alliance. Blondie denies that and says it was Earworm’s idea, which is true. Tattoo asks Earworm what name she threw out there for the vote. Blondie answers “Jason.” Earworm continues to say it was Blondie’s idea. Cydney says loyalty is really important, and Earworm continues to blame Blondie for everything. She calmly defends herself and says she didn’t screw up at the challenge and hasn’t done anything to be perceived as a weak player. They continue to argue until Earworm stands up and begs the Wonder Twins to trust her with the original plan. God, this is dumb. Time to vote.
Vote: Earworm, Blondie, Blondie, Earworm, Earworm.
Yeah, she really fucked that up for herself.
So what did y’all think? Is Blondie as dumb as everyone thinks she is? Do you care about any of these players yet? Will you forgive me for the late recap? Let’s chat in the comments!