“Roses are red, Lauren’s knee is black and blue, Santana’s a skank and Lyle’s a fool.” -Bill Shakespeare
I’m a fool-dreaux baby!
First a big shout out to “The Hollywood Sigh” for linking to last week’s recap. Now on to this week’s recap! After the throw down and throw up of last week, we, like Haddaway, have found love.
We open in the phone room where Mattie has just jumbled the cheeseburger and hung up on well-hung DJ while trying to make a booty call. Mattie tries calling back and after several unsuccessful attempts, they finally connect. Speaking of unsuccessful attempts, they didn’t meet up at the bar that night but DJ says that he was looking for her and knocked on the van windows! The girls call over Walt to confirm and Walt says that he waved at DJ. The girls are confused as to why Walt didn’t say anything the entire night after they were complaining that DJ was a no-show. The problem is that Walt does not think that much. Do you think he is using the time not-selecting clothing with color, patterns, or any thing resembling design to solve world hunger? C’mon ladies.
Anyway, it works out because Mattie invites him over and, in the pouring rain, he comes because it isn’t just the sidewalk that is getting wet. Before he can get to knocking boots, Daddy pulls DJ aside to interrogate him. Daddy pronounces it a success after giving him a very stern warning. It is kind of endearing in a creepy Daddy way.
Mess with Mattie and I’ll use my brains against you. Stop laughing!
The next morning, Hott Dogg mentions getting some “Vitamin D” (she really likes this phrase and it is annoying) and asks the crew if they would mind having her boyfriend Cody come down as a guest- along with their bulldog. Hott Dogg invites both man dog and puppy dog to the house and Cody joyfully accepts.
Also this AM, DJ is opening his eyes to Mattie standing over him with a knife between her teeth. Just kidding. Although, would that really be so far fetched? As Mattie and DJ walk out of the kitchen, they encounter the crew on the veranda. Murray- hilariously- starts dogging on DJ’s outfit which is more preppy douche (highlighter colors) than Southern redneck. Murray says DJ is wearing shoes that only kids who have lawyers for parents buy. They look like some basic Nike knit things. Anyway, for some reason, DJ won’t leave! Mattie just rolls inside and lays down on the couch. Then, just when I thought I could not fall more in love with Daddy, he comes in the house to chide Mattie for leaving “CD” outside. He calls him CD!
Not just abs. Brains too [sometimes].
Finally DJ leaves and Mattie realizes she isn’t that into him. Good. Put that story to bed…and suffocate it with a pillow. DJ could barely mumble out words and provided no drama.
DID SOMEONE SAY DRAMA? Because it is time for Lyle to call Santana. I am assuming she just got a new bar-tending job because she tells Lyle that she was told she can drink on the job and was enjoying her first shift partying. Lyle is upset at this news because he knows that a drunk Santana = sloppy seconds for the Lousianimal. THEN to rub salt in the wounds, Santana says she is going to wing by “Cowboys” with Morgan and Smiley. Lyle is even more upset because they made some agreement that neither would go to Cowboys without the other because it is a big old hook up factory.
I love this. Like the aura and power of Cowboys is just too much for any one heart. You have to be a drunken slob skank. How would this work in divorce proceedings? Sorry Judge, we were at Cowboys and- CASE DISMISSED. Lyle says that he feels highly betrayed. Then he pulls a passive aggressive move and when Santana questions why he is in a bad mood, he doesnt admit it and acts like a rude dick. AND that will only make Santana go that much more crazy at Cowboys. And you know how Cowboys gets…then Lyle goes out to complain to the guys and mentions that everyone at Cowboys hates him. Hmm, maybe there is more to Cowboys than meets the spur.
Walt says that Lyle is easily manipulated because he is bighearted- a nice way to say dumb. Murray says that the situation sounds bad and that Lyle falls apart and is moping around the house. Lyle says that he needs answers and decides to call Santana. He is such an idiot. Acting on pure emotion at all times. Get some Ritalin and go work on a cat’s cradle.
He calls Santana demanding answers. Santana, because she thinks she has gotten away with everything, is confused. Lyle starts in about being upfront and threatening to break up with her. Lyle tells Santana she needs to reevaluate herself. He accuses her of cheating on him and playing him. She denies it. Then he says something odd and awesome- he goes “Santana, I am being a man right now. My nuts are on the fucking table.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
Be real with me Santana. Did you act like a pistachi-hoe?
Santana, displaying that excellent Louisiana public school education we have heard so much about, says that if she is lying then “their whole engagement will be a false…” Yup the whole engagement will be an non-truth. Santana says that he is making a mistake and Lyle petulantly says something to the effect that he already made one and slams the cheeseburger shut. Real nice. Off to Cowboys to get revenge wasted and make out with a stranger, Santana!
When we get back from some commercials, Lyle is doubling down on his over-reaction and saying that he has to get his stuff out of her yard. Uhh, her yard? What, did Lyle bring over an 1984 Trans Am on blocks that he swears he will get running one of these days? Walt also says “What do you have in her yard?!” Apparently a truck and a boat. Also some of his clothes in her house. This is such nonsense.
Now we cut to Mattie prepping Hott Dogg for her man’s arrival. She makes her pick out a sexy thong and the camera man closes in on it. Cody, the bf, finally arrives and HD (typing Hott Dogg is irritating) runs out to join him. Looks like he brought the puppy. Cute dog. HD is DH (damn happy).
They all make plans to go to “Boomies” and Mattie decides to stay in to watch the dog. Murray makes a nice toast. Lyle, meanwhile, says that he might have to book a flight tomorrow so he can go get all of the stuff out of Santana’s house. Tiffany is shocked, and probably gleeful on the inside. Lyle says he ended it. Uh ok. Lyle agrees to stay the night so he can go out with everyone. Murray is excited because the boys are going to get hammered. Will Wild Lyle come out?
Everyone wants to get Lyle laid. How sweet. Daddy is committed to helping his buddy. Lyle, delusional from huffing paint, says that she is going to be a ten and will be one for the record books. Did you bring a gold plated duck call to wear out tonight? Idiot.
While the gang takes shots, Wild Lyle is sitting alone by the video poker machines. HA!
More like “Serial Killer” Lyle
Lyle complains that his game skills are a little rusty and it might be a better idea to put Wild Lyle to bed. Yes, dont want to hurt anyone with that wild game. On his way outside, he meets two girls. Well, Lyle wanted to bring home a ten and these are two fives. HEY OOOOO. BURN! Lyle’s game consists of telling them that he does not fit in cars and drives jacked up trucks. One girl calls him endearing and her friend says that she has a crush on him. Lyle response “A lot of people do.” Idiot.
Not wild, more like crazy
HD, meanwhile, is excited to get home to Vitamin D. She is doing really gross shit to Cody, the gf, like licking his face in the middle of the bar. Then Cody suggests they hit the bathroom and HD is over the moon at the idea. They disappear to the honeymoon suite with a toilet.
Daddy ends up meeting some girl named Tara and they start the pre-pretzel discussions and grinding on the dance floor. She buys tequila shots and Daddy invites her back to the house. Lyle invites his two ogres back to the house and they accept. Now, in the cab, we have Daddy and Tara in one seat making out, the two girls in the back seat and Lyle by himself next to Daddy/Tara. Lyle makes a silent burp and one of his girls says it smells like burnt [feet? meat? I couldn’t hear well] and Lyle says that it was him and that he has acid reflux. She asks to roll down a window. Smooth game buddy.
Lyle continues wooing these two girls and lets them know that his fiancee cheated with another guy and he broke it off. They ask when it happened and he says YESTERDAY. They offer to go kill Santana, which is pretty funny. Lyle demurs but it would not have been the worst idea. The worst idea was buying a fucking cheeseburger phone without any sort of sizzle ringer sound effect. Cheap production department.
The taxi ride is only getting better. Tara pipes in and says that she will slap a girl. Lyle’s girl in the backseat talks about voodoo stuff (odd) and then, because everyone is drunk, the girls start getting mad at one another. Tara says to Lyle Girl 1 girl [pictured above, who I will now call CrazyCurls] that she is just some girl in a cab right now. CrazyCurls says that she is the same thing. Daddy tries to get everyone to shut up and says in a confessional “It is a cab ride, not a cage match.” Daddy- again showing what a good friend he is- does not want the moment ruined…for Lyle! He really is a good person beneath the moron.
Lyle, to help defuse the situation, slams out another acid reflux burp and ruins the air with his toxic stomach. I am dying. This cab ride is unreal! Tara is still going on about nonsense and Daddy, who at this point needs to be knighted by the Royal Order of Wingmen, sends Tara home in the taxi so Lyle can have a better chance at scoring.
President of the Royal Order of Wingmen
With Tara gone, Daddy can turn his attention to continuing to help Lyle. Upstairs, HD is happy to be banging her bf. Downstairs, Tiffany is trying to help Lyle too. CrazyCurls and her friend are telling Tiffany that they are witches. Tiffany, because she is a little backwoods, believes in Tarot cards and other such flimflam. She asks if CrazyCurls can read palms. She starts looking at Lyle’s palm (the one that he does not write or masturbate with) and proclaims that he has a long life line but that he is a little boy. Ok the latter is spot on but this could be inferred by spending 8 seconds with Lyle. Also, that is the kiss of death to hooking up. His love line looks broken. Lyle says that he just told her that in the cab. I laugh.
Daddy comes over and says that he is pretty easy to figure out. CrazyCurls says that his palm scares him because he is going to die soon. OH FOR PETE’S SAKE. Just stifle the impulse to laugh in her face. Lauren actually says something smart: “you are going to believe some drunk bitch?” With that, the cabs come and take the two witches back to their coven.
The next morning, Lyle calls to get a flight. Seriously? Who is he calling to take a same-day flight? Odd. The phone rings and Mattie picks up. It is Santana. Santana asks how Lyle is doing. Mattie says she does not want to get involved but tells her that he is hurt. Santana starts protesting too much and saying “I know I didn’t have sex with anyone.” Right because you didn’t- you just did everything else I am sure and now are using semantics to cleanse your conscience and convince idiot Lyle that you are not guilty of cheating.
Mattie thinks she needs to quit lying. Santana says that it sucks she is being put in this situation. Yeah, you had nothing to do with it. IDIOT. Mattie says that it is time to be a woman and admit that she did wrong and take the consequences.
Tell the truth!
Santana wonders what happens when Lyle comes home, talks to Brandon and that Brandon lies. Mattie responds “then you good at what you do.” OOOOO BURN #2! She then leaves the phone on the chair and walks out of the phone room, leaving Santana to talk to an empty cheeseburger. HA. Lyle comes running in to pick up the cheeseburger and Santana starts saying that the two of them are stronger than this- and that Lyle is stronger than this. Doubtful but ok. Santana starts pleading with Lyle to not give up.
And of course at that moment, his cab shows up to take him to the airport. BWA HA HA. Perfect. Santana is really begging and starts telling him that every relationship has its ups and downs. Yeah, but most dont involve you bouncing up and down on Brandon’s wang. Idiot. She tells him not to give up and to take care of her and be a man. She says, desperately, that she loves him and is in love with him. Lyle runs out to the cab and goes to the airport.
With that the episode ends. Next week looks to be a hum dinger. Stay tuned for the festivities and leave some love in the comments. Be sure to tell the truth!
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us onFacebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, follow our TV parody boards on Pinterest, and get our daily microblogs on Tumblr!
Do you love reading the comments on these recaps as much as we do? Go over to our Commentgasm page to nominate for your favorite comment of the week!