Happy divas wrestling trashies! What better way to start off another episode of “Total Divas” then having Nattie’s dad shaking all of his goodies on some machine and wondering if it’ll help loosen up one’s bowel movements. Classic.
“Can I order take out on this thing?”
In Baltimore, Nattie is handing out life advice, but is mostly just down trodden because she hasn’t been on television for over four months. This is displeasing to Ann Veal and all of her Insta cat followers.
Paige’s not fiance, Kevin, is visiting her on the road, but Paige says it really isn’t like it used to be, before she told him she didn’t want to marry his ass. That’ll probably kill a few boners. Paige mentions how it is really tough to date in WWE, let alone date someone who isn’t a wrestler.
Hey…Heyyy..HEYYYYY… Hi.
It is one hell of an incest industry that’s for damn sure. Kevin eventually leaves and Paige is so over it because she feels like she has to babysit him, plus she isn’t banging him lately, so homegirl is cranky from dick withdrawal.
Meanwhile, backstage in some Podunk empty conference room, the girls are eating and Nikki walks in carrying a giant bouquet for Brie, from Daniel for their wedding anniversary. Everyone asks Brie what she got for Daniel and she says she face times him, meaning some digital pussy snap chats are what true love is made of.
Nikki’s boobs always have to steal the spotlight on this show
Nikki, Brie and Nattie go check into a hotel, and Nattie checks in under the last name of “Neidhart” and the girls are shocked she hasn’t changed her last name to TJ’s, which is “Wilson.” Nattie says it’s just a lot of work she doesn’t feel like doing, especially when she can be at home french braiding her cats’ tails. Nikki tries to make it about her, saying she would kill to be “Mrs. Cena” but Brie has the last laugh because unlike her sister, she actually has legal right to take her man’s last name, so Nikki can go crawl in some maiden name hell hole.
Rosa is meandering around, trying to figure out some way to justify getting a paycheck now that she is pregnant, so her idea is to become a backstage interviewer. She finds Nattie and tries her luck at a fake interview, but she is struggling to remember how to ask a question with more than five words, so she fails hard.
Nikki gives us a little insight into what her “character” is doing at the moment as Divas Champion. She gets thrown a “Bellabration” with a gigantic cake that no one will eat and her enemies in the storyline show up to ruin the party, which never even had one attendee. Nikki is angry she can’t eat sugar, so she chucks it in Alicia and Brie’s face.
The closest either one of them has come to refined sugar in nearly a decade
The girls stroll out with cake all over them and Mandy’s episode climax was her taking her finger, scooping some frosting off the girls, and eating it. I’m really enjoying getting to know her.
Rosa goes to find the only WWE Creative team person willing to be filmed, Mark, the creepy Uncle/the VP of Talent Relations. Mark somehow finds time to meet with Rosa, even though if you look at his laptop, mother fucker only just opened a blank document in Microsoft Office. Learn how to fully embrace the acting bug darling! At least throw up a fake footnote or some shit to make it look more believable.
Some real official shit is going on here, CLEARLY
Anyways, Rosa wants to be a commentator, but Mark thinks it is too risky, so back to the drawing board sweetheart. Meanwhile, Paige gets a text from her long lost not fiance, calling her “cold blooded” and Paige almost takes it as a compliment because she is a dark soul and all, but she wants to kill his ass still.
Paige decides to crash at Alicia’s Jungle book bungalow because she has no patient for a penis that isn’t active. As Alicia is giggling at her own texts from her geriatric man, Paige gets huffy because of her relationship status.
Over at Brie and Bryan’s, Bryan agrees that Brie isn’t that romantic, but Brie wonders why she has to be if she’s the one being romantic in the bedroom with all the soy products smeared over her body. Bryan reminds Brie that he is in fact the one that lights the candles and puts on Beyonce’s greatest hits, and Brie is the one that just wants to ground and pound.
Take me to pound town?
Brie decides that she needs to back up her claims of showing love and needs to come up with a way to do it besides sexily chowing down on a tofu sausage.
It’s the evening of the pay per view, “Night of Champions” and Nikki is defending her Diva’s Championship. But before she can, she runs into Rosa who is still looking for a viable storyline to stay in WWE. Nikki recycles her lovely “empowerment of ladies” speech and John Cena quotes to tell Rosa to feel empowered and become a social media corespondent. Brilliant, Maria Shriver would be so proud.
Creepy Uncle Mark and some of ladies are eating and start questioning Nattie as to why she hasn’t changed her last name still. Paige thinks that TJ should change his last name to Neidhart, considering all the legendary weight it carries in the wrestling world. Nattie is super into this idea and Mark tries to be included in this pow wow, trying to distract the girls from his painful, sad boner of friend zone.
Nikki goes out to the ring to defend her title against Charlotte and we get to hear lots of piped in cheers, because if you look at the crowd, everyone is too busy snorting nacho cheese and incoherently arguing about which dead wrestler they’d prefer to go down on. Nikki ends up getting speared (tackled at the gut) by Charlotte, who then puts Nikki in a submission hold. Nikki taps out, resulting in Charlotte becoming the new champ. Nikki finds dropping the title bittersweet, but is happy now because she can finally take care of her body and work on writing a book about empowerment.
They fell over because of the weight of their extensions I believe
TJ and Nattie go out to lunch with her parents and she pitches them the idea of TJ changing his last name. The parents are obviously super into this idea and they agree that chauvinism is what dictated this trend in the past. Meanwhile, TJ is looking for the nearest moving bus out in the intersection to walk in front of.
We get a quick clip of Kevin and Paige together in a car and I hope they weren’t wearing mics because that may as well have been a fucking black and white movie with intercut slides with text saying “My vagina hates you, take off the child locks so I can jump out of this car.”
A long time ago, in a far away land, I was getting laid…
Brie and Nikki go out shopping for bird houses (clearly Nikki lost a bet) and Brie inquires how Nikki keeps it romantic with John. Nikki says she likes to wear the tightest of bandage dresses so that her boobs will have at least one nip slip and John wears cartoon gangster suits to appeal to her youthful sexual urges. Nikki also said she bought flowers one time for John and he was super pumped about the arrangement, so that’s an idea too. Nikki volunteers to setup one of these dates for Brie and Bryan, so we know it’s going to look something like a bachelorette party bus that’s going to make Bryan want to divorce Brie over. Can’t wait.
Back to Nattie and TJ, and Nattie feels like TJ was being hostile at lunch. TJ is like “woman, I broke my neck, I can barely give you sassy side eye” so of course he wasn’t worked up. He just thinks that if he took her last name, his balls would be in her purse and this excites Nattie because it’d give her to go toys for her cats.
Brie and Bryan head out on their romantic date setup by Nikki and low and behold, Nikki has arranged a giant hummer limo that you rent when you are about to throw in a dozen strippers into your vehicle.
I hope that Ginuwine is on repeat in there…
Brie can tell Bryan is freaking out inside about all the gas this car is using and once they get to dinner, Bryan feels like a hobbit wearing a suit and somewhere, Bilbo is jealous of the tailoring. Bryan doesn’t need Brie to dress up nice and take him to fancy dinners, so now Brie realizes maybe she should have stuck to the tofu scramble bath all along.
Someone call Peter Jackson and let him know there is but still one last Hobbit tale to be told…
Somewhere in the U.S., Nattie is back on TV for her first televised match in over four months and could just sit her cat suit. Somewhere in the same building, Rosa goes to find one of the digital editors and tells him she wants to be empowered, just like Nikki said. The editor, just wanting to be left alone with his porn in that tiny corner of a hole, agrees so she gets the fuck out. Rosa finds Big Show, the massive wrestler and tells him how she is now in social media. Big Show is like “I’m just trying to get to craft services” and smiles like he understands what’s happening.
Literally…where is she? Seriously
On TV, Paige picks on Nattie, saying she is surprised she still works there. Then out comes Nattie, who chant for her as she literally walks over Naomi’s neck during the match. GURL. Anyways, they cut away and we never find out if Nattie won, meaning she didn’t. Womp Womp, Ann Veal, womp womp.
Rosa is backstage to try her first segment as a social media corespondent but she isn’t sure where to put the mic and isn’t so much into talking to the camera. So she’s definitely picked the right career move. But by some miracle, she is able to piece together 20 seconds of material and the PAs are like “it was great …(so we’re not using this right?)” and Rosa can now go eat some craft services feeling like a winner now.
Can I keep it???
Alicia and Paige stole some mums from catering as one does and they talk about how Paige doesn’t want to go home because she doesn’t want to deal with Kevin and his cold shoulder dick. Her Mom is coming into town and she wants him to not be around when she arrives because the whole thing sounds like a lot of work that Paige isn’t into. Alicia quotes Tim Gunn and says “make it work” and then they proceed to throw mums at unsuspecting backstage camera men, who when they see the cameras filming, all look like they’ve been caught masturbating off to the side and run away.
Run from all of the peeping toms in that parking lot ladies
We get an update that Nattie has decided to hyphenate her name and now its on their welcome mat at home so it’s definitely official now.
A sign of my love so that when people rub the bottom of their scummy shoes, they’ll know I do it for you
Lastly, Brie decides to step up her romance and rents Bryan an electric car for the day. Bryan practically weeps he’s so excited and they head off to a farm where Brie gifts Bryan a stone koala bear, because it reminded her of him. Bryan is pumped it is neither a goat nor a hobbit, so they are in vegan romance heaven.
ROMANCE. Nailed it.
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