Hey all you trash cancan dancers and welcome back to another stupid and unnecessary episode of Dance Moms! For those of you who don’t remember, Abby was manic depressed last week and all of the moms had opinions about the dances and their children doing said dances. This week, Abby is manic depressed and all of the moms have opinions about the dances and their children doing said dances. Now that we are caught up, let’s begin this week’s recap!
The episode opens with Abby screaming at someone and the producers are telling her to stop but she won’t stop, you guys. Abby is telling a mystery person to leave and it doesn’t sound like they’re leaving because now Abby is threatening to call the police! Then we see a bunch of flashbacks of Abby having meltdowns in this season alone to remind us that this kind of shit happens every day. Shortly after, Abby strolls out of her office like nothing happened and casually tells the moms she had to let one of her employees go. The moms try to tell Abby that she is hard to deal with and Abby gives them a “shut the fuck up” warning glance and they all backtrack and are like “better luck with the next anonymous employee that you verbally abuse!” and they give Abby the thumbs up.
Now that Abby has had a meltdown, flipped her shit at an employee, and ignored the mom’s advice, it’s time for the inconsistently passive-aggressive pyramid! Brynn is on the bottom because she does well but doesn’t stand out. Ashlee is all like, “why is Brynn being punished? I thought I was the one who sucked?” Yes, yes you are, Ashlee, and your daughter will always be unfairly punished on your behalf as long as you stick with Abby. Get used to it, you slow-to-learn loser. Then Abby randomly suggests that Ashlee start doing office work for her like Melissa used to, which Ashlee seems to be considering. Then we listen to Melissa say that she has NEVER kissed Abby’s ass but we all know that’s a god damn lie because we all have eyes and access to past seasons filled with footage of Melissa puckering up for Abby’s cottage cheese ass.
Next to Brynn on the bottom, we have Maddie, Kendall, and Kalani. No reasons are given so these girls have simply being on the team to blame for their rankings. On the next level are Nia and Jojo which leaves little Mackenzie at the top of the pyramid! Way to go Mackenzie! You will now be rewarded by not getting a solo this week.
The group dance is called “Bittersweet Charity” which is so clever because there is a musical called “Sweet Charity” but Abby added the word “bitter” to the front because it’s a play on the word “bittersweet” and so that’s how she brilliantly invented “Bitterweet Charity”. Do you get it? Abby is a fucking genius, you guys. But it doesn’t stop there, they will be wearing HEELS and it’s going to be so MATURE.
There won’t be any solos this week but instead there will be two duets. The first duet will be with Kendall and Kalani and it’s a jazz routine called “Grifters”. Abby then asks Kalani where her mom is and Kalani flat out says she doesn’t want to be there while shrugging her shoulders. Why does Abby all of a sudden care where Kiara is? The season is (god I fucking hope) halfway over and we have only seen her once.
The second duet will be with Maddie and Brynn and it’s a lyrical called “Together as One”. Even though the other half of girls don’t have duets, especially pyramid winner Mackenzie, Jill still manages to find something to complain about and this time she is complaining that Kendall should be dancing with Maddie. Why? Who gives a shit, shut the fuck up, Jill.
The moms are all talking and laughing about how Kalani didn’t even try to cover for her mom earlier and Jessalynn thinks that it’s time for Kiara to come back. Because she has a stupid, small, one-track mind that only thinks about Brynn dancing into Abby’s heart, Ashlee contributes to the conversation by sharing her theory that “Together as One” means that Abby wants to replace Maddie with Brynn. And all of the moms are like “how the fuck do you figure?” and then Melissa is all like “I don’t care about Ashlee and I don’t know anything about her, nor do I care to learn. I used to think her other two kids were boys, turns out, they’re a boy and a girl.” Um, okay. Ashlee is stupid for saying what she said but Melissa is not from this planet because what the fuck does that have to do with anything?
Abby invites Ashlee into her office to do some office work. Ashlee tries to bargain by foregoing payment in exchange for Brynn being on the dance team. Abby says maybe. This show is so exciting and I can’t wait to find out if Ashlee gets paid in money or not.
Ashlee leaves the office and the moms start bitching at her because they think everything is being handed to her even though Brynn still isn’t technically on the team even though she rehearses with them, travels with them, and competes with them. Holly doesn’t think it’s fair that Brynn is doing a duet with Maddie when Nia has never been given a chance. Can this show get any more interesting? Is that even possible?! You can’t write this shit.
The next day, Ashlee is talking about how she needs to finish her work from the night before, even after staying in the studio well into the night. Jill demands to hear why Ashlee didn’t finish her work yet and Ashlee says it’s a lot of work for one person. Melissa pipes in and is like “I did it and I am only one person!” Shit, dude, it’s heating up in here.
I can do that shit with my eyes closed, yo.
Abby comes in and starts talking to the moms and is all like “so you guys know how I love Bob Fosse, right?” And the moms are like “yeah, sure” and then Abby starts talking about how this week’s group dance will do Bob Fosse proud and it’s going to be mature and she doesn’t think they’ve ever done anything this mature because the group dance is in fact quite mature.
Kendall and Kalani are rehearsing their duet and Kalani’s back is killing her but she is soldiering on nonetheless. Meanwhile, Jill starts bitching about how her daughter is doing jazz and Maddie gets to do a lyrical and it’s just not fair. Back in the rehearsal area, Kalani is in so much pain that Abby is letting her go home for the rest of the day to relax. Rather than taking her home as quickly as possible like a good legal guardian, Melissa takes the opportunity to keep Kalani at the studio longer while she hugs her as she scream in pain.
The moms are all like “it’s time for us to do some normal mom things and just go out and be normal” so they go and stand on the sidewalk in a park with the production crew to talk about dance and judge Kiara’s parenting decisions.
Meanwhile, Ashlee is rushing into the studio to work for Abby and is apparently late because she is greeted by Abby yelling at her for choosing to do her hair and makeup rather than be in time. It should be noted that Abby has curlers in her hair because she cannot get her shit together for one fucking minute this season. Abby is responsible, she waits to do her hair and makeup until after she has a breakdown in her office/bedroom/home. Also, Abby apparently is experiencing adult acne. It’s been about 30 seconds since the last time she asked, so Ashlee inquires about how she can get her daughter officially on the dance team. Abby gives her another non-answer and basically tells Ashlee she is afraid she will embarrass her which is quite the statement because just look at Abby.
Uh oh, you guys. Kalani is practicing some dance moves and she shouldn’t be with her bad back so Melissa calls her mom to tattle on her. Holly thinks Kiara should be here but also thanks god that Melissa is here to make phone calls. Kiara determines that Kalani can’t dance because she needs to heal. Of course, Jill’s main concern isn’t Kalani’s well-being but rather what is going to happen to Kendall’s duet. Abby respects Kiara’s wishes but doesn’t respect Kiara. She doesn’t understand why Kiara can’t come to L.A. and leave the baby with the dad. I can’t see any reason why not either, Abby. You’ve made a solid argument and I think I speak for us all when I say Kiara should abandon her newborn son and dance studio to sit on a bench and watch her daughter do her hobby.
Abby calls all of the moms in and announces that she wants Nia to replace Kalani in the duet. Worry wart Holly is concerned that Nia won’t have enough time and is nervous and just hopes that Abby knows what she is doing. Holly asks Nia how she is feeling and Nia responds that she’s stressed out so Holly urges her to do her best because she might never get this opportunity again. Uh, you guys are on a show called Dance Moms, your kid will dance again.
It’s the day of the dance and everyone is being kind and supportive and telling Nia how proud they are of her for stepping up to the plate. Abby soon strolls in looking like complete shit with her hair in a ratty mess and Jill begs Abby to tell them that she has a brush and will fix her appearance. Jill lectures Abby that even though she might be in a rush, Abby should always brush her hair. Abby claims that she is confident no matter what which is hilarious because we all know she is crippled with insecurities, most of which probably stem from the fact that she’s fat and doesn’t have any quality relationships with another living thing. Ashlee volunteers to help Abby with her hair and takes her into the other room to help. Holly is still really nervous about Nia. When Ashlee returns, the moms make fun of her for kissing Abby’s ass and say they can’t wait until she hates Abby just like the rest of them. This must have really hit a nerve because Ashlee absolutely loses her mind and starts screaming Jill. Ashlee says she has no friends in the and only Holly is remotely kind to her but probably secretly hates her because Brynn is so fucking talented and everyone is jealous. With no one else to talk to, Ashlee runs over to a cold Abby crying about how mean the moms are and Abby awkwardly pats her legs, praying for this interaction to quickly end.
Nia and Kendall are doing their duet and at one point in the middle, Nia misses grabbing Kendall’s hand and then struggles to catch back up for a bit. Nia kind of gets back into the groove by the end of the dance but the damage has already been done and she will never dance again and when she walks off the stage, her feet will unfortunately be surgically removed. Holly was right, we should have listened to her, you guys. Because the dance wasn’t the best, Kendall is upset but acts like she doesn’t care when Nia starts crying about letting everyone down. Holly and the girls try to cheer up Nia by telling her no one gives a shit while Kendall is secretly fuming inside.
Moments before her ankles were severed from her ankles.
Before Brynn and Maddie do their duet, Brynn says in her interview that she hopes they do well but especially hope she herself does well because she wants to be on the team. We get it! You guys want to be on the team! During their performance, the music abruptly stops and never resumes but the girls keep dancing like pros. Some jerks decide to clap randomly throughout the silent performance and the girls still manage to do a beautiful job. Way to go girls! Because this show is so stupid and predictable, I already can predict they will win but Brynn STILL won’t be invited on the team.
In the greenroom, Abby starts comparing the two duets which is obviously incredibly unfair. Kendall starts crying again and she joins in with her insane mom to yell at Abby and saying they were set up to fail! Fun fact: Abby sat on Kalani’s back for months before they started shooting this season so this moment would happen and Kendall’s duet would be sabotaged because Abby is savage AF. I rarely agree with Abby but she totally hits the nail on the head when she gathers that Kendall is acting out because she is jealous of Maddie’s perfect performance. Jill is yelling at Abby that she has a team of seven, not two. Jill is so fucking annoying and I hate her and wish she would stumble into a pit of snakes. Then again, the snakes would probably accept her as one of their own and then Jill would be the snake queen and finally get the respect she deserves. So I guess what I’m trying to say is I hope Jill unexpectedly dies in her sleep and then Kendall has to be the one to find her.
The girls are putting on wigs and heels in preparation for the group dance, “Bittersweet Charity”, and this dance is so mature and they’re all dancing as prostitutes. Why? Because it’s called “maturity”. Ever heard of it? The dance goes really well and I have to note that the dance is mature. The dance makes good choices and thinks about consequences and does onto others as the dance wants others to do onto the dance. In conclusion, the dance is so mature that it is more mature than the dance moms. Abby thinks the dance was mature and hopes Fosse would be proud of the sad fat dance teacher he never even knew existed.
Mackenzie looks like a single mother who tries to appear like she has it together but behind closed doors, she cries a lot and her two sons don’t respect her. She also looks mature.
It’s time for the awards and we quickly find out that despite the fact that they were tricked into performing Abby’s elaborate prank dance, the two earned second place. Nia doesn’t care though, as she rubs her nubs where her feet used to be.
Brynn and Maddie’s duet earned them 1st place just like I predicted and of course Ashlee immediately hopes that this is their ticket on the team. If I had a quarter for every time Ashlee wondered about stupid trivial shit, I would literally have millions of dollars and this isn’t even an exaggeration.
The group dance also won 1st place and Abby looks up into the heavens and give Bob Fosse a thumbs up and a bird poops directly in her mouth. Abby swallows it stoically and knows that that was Fosse’s Bittersweet Charity.
Back in the greenroom, Abby tells everyone they did a great job and makes the announcement that Maddie will have a solo next week, which is weird because she saves that for the pyramid. Adding to my fortune, Ashlee again asks about dance opportunities for her daughter, this time in the form of a solo. Abby says she hasn’t given it any thought. Melissa and Ashlee get into another stupid fight and Melissa ends the episode by repeating “I’m done, I’m done, I am SO done.” Alright, Melissa. See you next week you dramatic ass hole.
We don’t know what is going to happen next week and I don’t care anyways. We will cross that painful bridge when we get to it, bye betches.