How, how, how is it the finale of Newlyweds? I’m not ready for it to end, though I am ready for some of these couples to end. Based on the trailer, this week was full of poor decisions, so here we go!
Last week: Tara’s awful husband was disrespectful and hates her parents, Craig and Brandon were adorable, Rob and Ro are moving to Florida, and Adonis continues to be bad at cheating on his wife.
This week’s episode title is: How to Get Away With Marriage. Good work, Bravo, connect your marriage show with one about students who keep getting away with murder! That will make us feel more warm and fuzzy about these people.
We are treated to a quick season recap of how all the straight men on this show are the worst. Again, I commend Bravo for the subtle message of this show: straight men suck and only the gay men and the women have redeeming qualities. I bow down to the casting directors for staying on company message.
So here we are, approaching one year of marriage for these 8 gems. We open on Rob #1 and Tara, who are still in San Francisco.
Dear Lord, brace yourselves for drama on the fainting couch, kids.
Tara is in her best dramatically sad pose. It is, undoubtedly, the best way to trick an asshole into being nice you because he will realize how terrible he looks on camera and that will greatly harm his ability to find a younger wife for marriage #5.
You win this round, but just wait until you ask to see your parents on the next holiday.
Rob “apologizes” without ever actually saying those words. This is not his fault. He never learned to pronounce “I’m sorry” and every time he tries, it comes out as “I hate your family.” Tara concedes that she will never pick anyone over her husband, not even her family. So in the end, Rob never needs to change or behave civilly after all. What a happy fairy tale ending.
Next up, our perfect loves, Craig and Brandon, are getting sugared. I have no idea what this means, but I’m guessing it involves rolling around in sugar instead of eating it? Or a sugar scrub performed by an employee so that you can lay limp and do nothing?
The answer, is way more disturbing:
I apologize, but as a Bravo recapper, I am legally required to fully report on the things that happen.
Your face, I presume.
Apparently sugaring is a technique wherein a lady in gloves puts sticky silly putty on your butt/crotch area and yanks the hair out. It looks horribly painful.
Oh no, it’s fine, I’m just giving birth. To PAIN.
I love Brandon and Craig. But this is more Brandon and Craig than I needed to ever see. Like ever.
Back at Rob and Ro’s home, Ro is blogging.
Rob’s caring pose.
The couple is going to SoHo for their anniversary for sex. Sounds… romantic? The editors treat us to flashbacks of screaming and threats of divorce.
Happy Anniversary!
Finally, on to the main event: Adonis and Erica. Adonis is annoyed that there is no stability in his marriage. Because he is the one that matters!
Erica, sneaking out of the house to talk on the phone about her terrible husband.
Erica has no life but Adonis and only does what he likes and doesn’t even know what she likes to do. Erica wants to take another “break” and go to Seattle to figure out things. I’m fine with this, as long as a “break” means divorce and never coming back.
Back with the boys, it’s sperm checking time again!
These two are everything. Everything.
They go and have romantic time and seconds later, the results show that Craig is a man again and his sperms have woken up and gotten back to work! Naturally, they do a sperm dance.
Please be parents.
Rob and Ro go to a hotel with a dumb name.
No More So Ho? Great name.
Rob dances. Rob and Ro go out to eat and not even three hours later:
Looks like someone “ate” too much.
Ro is displeased that Rob has passed out mid romantic time. I remind you all that this is their first anniversary, not 59th. Get up and be fun!
Craig and Brandon are far more fun. They are having a massive party to celebrate both their anniversary and gay marriage for all!
Siblings reading the Supreme Court ruling. So sweet.
So keeewwwtttt.
Tara heads over to see her sister.
With a rolling bag?
Turns out Tara is getting away for a night to avoid Rob snapping at her. Rob goes to visit his surfing bro friend. There’s a lot of shifting back and forth between “why won’t he be nice to mom” and “why don’t women just shut up and meditate… about having sex.” Tara’s sister advises Tara to stop pretending to be the perfect wife and be real.
But I’m wearing my perfect-wife-who-vacuums-in-a-dress dress.
Rob is a douche. Tara needs to step it up and say what she wants and make some demands. Rob’s friend advises him to just live with the fact that she has a family that she expects to talk to, however unreasonable that desire may be to the surfing bros.
Bro, you can’t afford another divorce.
Meanwhile, Erica needs to learn to TALK. Speak up! She fake smiles when she sees Adonis mumbles that she might have something inside of her brain. He’s not just dumb, she is sending weird signals.
Like leaving you……..
I literally have to turn the sound all the way up when she speaks.
She asks Adonis if he even knows what she likes.
My lambo???
Adonis doesn’t want to be her excuse for not doing things. Shut up! She doesn’t have time to do things. She has to follow your cheating ass around to make sure you keep it to one ho per week. Erica wants to go to Seattle and be herself. God this marriage sounds painfully tragic.
When asked if she’s moving out she says: “yeahhhhhhhh” (in the most hushed and tentative tones possible for mics to pick up).
Wipe this stupid grin off your face, this is a sad moment. And if you can’t, see a physician.
Adonis doesn’t seem that perturbed that his wife is moving away because she is unhappy.
Whatevs, Daddy’s got some new stepmoms on the way over.
Tara has returned to Rob, who condescendingly asks how her visit to Camp Relatives-I-Hate was.
Shut. Up. Rob.
Tara actually surprises me and says that he must stop talking poorly about her family because that is turning her against them. Finally, some introspection and truth. These are two things Rob only likes in himself, so he fires back that he does hold back on talking shit about them all the time. HAHA. But she triggers him. HAHAHA. Sure, Rob. I also have a trigger that makes me a jerk. My trigger is having to hear you speak to your wife like she an idiot and a person that you barely like, but love to control.
His non-apology is basically: “I need to back off of you because you already have so much to deal with, what with having the worst people in the world as parents and all, and let you process the psychosis that they have given you by being terrible. Also, when I said I never wanted either of us to ever see nor speak to them again, I was not discouraging you from having a relationship with them at all, Mmkay?”
Actual quote: when Tara asks if she can have some hope that he may someday be cordial to them, he says: “Let me think about it.”
I’m proud of being an ass.
Bree, Craig, Brandon, and Craig’s brother meet up for anniversary planning. Bree hands over the gift that ordinarily one would find inappropriate in an eating setting, considering how it came about:
Bree has a baby on board! Yay!
Tara and Rob’s house is her dream come true:
What a sad, bland dream.
Back in NYC, Rob and Ro toast New York, the city that gave them jobs they hate and are fleeing from for life in Tampa.
Cheers?
Bravo, this is just unkind.
Adonis is frustrated and blah blah blah he thinks his relationship has question mark on it. DUH!
Tara and Rob toast in their absurdly tall bed.
The flashbacks are stellar this week:
Wedding strippers.
He’s my son too and I still love him anyway/I am smart enough to say decent things in front of the cameras.
Rob is reaching deep to find tolerance for her parents. I had a professor who used to say that tolerance was the worst thing to say that you have because it indicates a deep dislike for something, but you want everyone to know that you are such an awesome person that you put up with terrible things anyway. Genuine respect for others is what decent people should be shooting for when they disagree.
I tolerate you, honey.
Craig and Brandon’s anniversary is a party for all gay love. It’s fantastic.
We love our guests so much that we put on a concert show for them. And no, there will be no wedding strippers.
Oh hey, we’re perfect.
See? We actually love each other.
I almost hate how little crap I have to talk about Craig and Brandon. I blame the other three couples.
Back in Arizona,
Adonis has had a tough day at the office.
Erica is prepping to move out for a while and Adonis is playing what I can only assume is Super Mario Bros because he doesn’t care. He is also super unaware of the general world around him and asks if they are okay. Erica is not pleased.
Adonis will miss her and whatever.
And now, Final Title Card Time:
BOOOO.
I want to be Craig and Brandon when I grow up.
Brandon normally watches Sex and the City the movie on New Year’s. Can he adopt me? I have excellent parents, but I could use a third! (I’ll hear no arguments against that movie, not all good movies have to be good movies)
Well this is just awfully sad. Thanks Bravo, for dropping that in so unceremoniously.
Rob probably remained silent the whole time and in a permanent eye roll status.
Rob #2 is going to be a daddy!
It is the “gnarliest thing” he’s ever heard. Barf to that response.
Well, that’s all, folks! What did you think? How long do you expect Adonis and Erica to pretend to last? Or any of the other couples for that matter? This season was fantastic and had me more invested in a non-Housewives Bravo than I have since the Galllllghery Girls left our blessed screens. Hopefully, I will see you all at Bravo’s inevitable “where are they now/divorce court episode”!
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us onFacebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, and get the occasional gif on Tumblr!