Howdy Trashmii! Here we are, at the penultimate episode of season 4 of Vanderpump Rules. Next week is the finale, wow! How did we get here so fast? It seems only yesterday James hired a “Smoking Gun Cheat-Uber” and Hanky lost his way — cherished memories indeed.
This week, Kristen and James do the Dirty on the hood of his Beemer, we go behind the scenes of T.I.P., and Jax realizes prison might be a welcome break.
Before we begin, a quick mention — On WWHL, which featured the Ladies of VPR (at least the ones we care about, anyway), Ariana won the poll for Number One Effing Girl in somewhat of a landslide, causing her and Tom to take the No.1 Effing F**ers Couple’s Prize — good for them! I personally voted for “anyone but Ariana”, but that just shows how spacey I can be.
Okay, then! Let’s get to it…
As we open, Faith thanks Lala for giving her a big-tipping table. Lala says, “Yo Sistah, gotcha back, Boo!” Whew, glad those two are still friends after that little rim-job snafu — what a relief!
Next, Katie nails down Villa Rosa with Lisa as the engagement party venue, on the condition that she extend uninvitations to Kristen and Stassi. Katie’s down for that, as she’s only used half her box and the season’s almost up. Lisa okays a “small barbecue”, but Katie must arrange everything, and everything must be in and out the same day.
“Unlike Ken, Dahling”
Now Tom and Ariana stop by Gregory Dylan Beauty for facials. Tom says he must be ready for his closeup when they shoot the video in two days. He tells us his past music ventures have been “passion projects”. We flash back to him performing onstage in 2013, back in the days when he only dreamed of flashing his bacon-n-eggs branded ass on national TV.
Gregory pours the champers and gets to work.
As he steams Ariana’s face, Tom goes through the budget. He’s up to $9000 already, and they haven’t shot a single frame. It’s one of the most expensive thing he’s ever invested in. Tom is so charged up, he says, coffee is not needed. “Blah, blah, my band,” he says, “My BAND. Blah, blah, blah BAND.”
Tom’s turn!
“Holy sh*t, I thought he’d never shut up about his f*ing band”
Tom rises renewed and dewy from treatments, and Ariana tells him he looks like a beautiful princess. “Back off, ladies,” she interviews, “he’s mine!” — at least, that is, until VEGAS comes back around the bend, Baby, YEAH!
Kristen is meeting James for dinner at BottleRock. She has this brilliant plan, which is to get sh*tfaced and make him antsy in the pantsies about being sober. James has a brilliant plan too, which is to get Kristen snockered, and then plow her from here to Sunday on the bonnet of his Beemer.
James has been off the booze for a week, since he got demoted. “I hope that was rock-bottom,” says Kristen. James assures her that it 100 percent was. He wants Kristen to realize he really IS the incestuous creep his mother raised him to be, and being as how she’s just like his mum, they should totally get back together.
She says she’s happily involved with Carter now, so tough luck for James. James says, “Do you remember me filling your apartment with balloons every week?” She says that was all erased overnight with his vile hatred and loogie action. “What can I say?” replies James. “I love hard, and I hate hard.”
“You keep telling me I broke your heart,” she says. He says she did. “That’s because I was so f.ing good to you,” she slurs. Dinner arrives! Kristen cleverly chugs more wine, and watches him grovel with increasingly blurred double-vision. She tells him how ratchet he and Lala were together. He says he never got with Lala, and he’s not even interested anymore. Kristen then asks if James slept with Jenna. “Yeah. I TOLD you that,” says James. “No you didn’t,” says Kristen. “Really?” laughs James. “Well, yeah… I did.”
Kristen gets really sad. She interviews she knew those two boned, but she let him convince her they didn’t. She starts to cry, and stumbles out for some air and a ciggy. He follows her out, and says he doesn’t feel the same with anybody else as he did with her. “That’s because I’m a fucking catch,” she says.
James says he knows it’s too late now, but he wants her to know that he loves her. She says she doesn’t know what to say. “What do you mean, you don’t know what to say, Kristen?” James murmurs seductively. “You DO know what to say…”
Well… I don’t know about you, but I feel all warm and fuzzy right now. I really want these two crazy kids to make it — (at least one more time) — if for nothing else but to stick it to his creepy scorned-lover of a mom.
They embrace, and she says, “I want you to be okay… I worry about you.”
“Beemer time, baby, YEAH!”
…