This week on “Total Divas” we get one actual serious story and two completely pointless and painfully dumb story lines. Sign me up, I’m too hooked on cat ladies.
We first see the Bellas talking to local WWE commentator, Renee, who informs them she got a motorized scooter for her birthday. Brie is super into this because it would be more logical than buying a second car, but Nikki doesn’t believe Brie will be safe on one. She thinks the minute Brie sees a squirrel in front of her, she’ll swerve and twin magic will be no more.
Backstage, Rosa is eating as random camera guys accost her for being a fat ass. Rosa doesn’t give two shits though because she can finally eat over 10 grams of carbs a day now for a good reason.
Rosa’s happy place
Nattie stops by, asks if anyone wants to see a photo of her new cat, and since everyone said no, that is the only time we see Ann Veal this episode. Classic.
Paige goes out to have a match and we are reminded how she much rather take punches to the face than be with her not fiancee anymore. She is too into her career right now and kicking girls in the shins to deal with Kevin at this point.
Nikki, Brie and Renee discuss why Nikki would be so worried about Brie on a scooter, so they find the closest evidence they have, which is a lost looking old man, Zeb, who is in an actual scooter because of health issues I’m assuming. But Nikki is like “that’s going to be you Brie,” and poor Zeb is used as a caution tale even though he probably just doesn’t like to walk around when he grocery shops.
“You ever get lost in a Whole Foods? It’ll make you rent a chair as well”
Paige and not fiancee Kevin go grocery shopping and Kevin isn’t sure if the aisle he’s in is for canned goods or vegetables… so now we all get why Paige is over his ass, he can’t figure out the difference between fresh vegetables and Goya beans.
Grocery stores: where relationships go to die
Paige says everything with not fiancee has been really awkward since she told him she didn’t want to marry him, but now that her Mum is coming into town, she needs Kevin to suck it the fuck up for a few days. Go find some canned corn and smile like you mean it fucker.
Paige picks up her Mum, who also happens to be a veteran wrestler, and before we even hear a peep out of her, she makes sure to apply some eyeliner in the car because this is an eyeliner family after all. Paige won’t even go get gas without at least five layers of liquid liner around her eyes. Mum thinks Kevin is a “decent bloke” and Paige is feeling really uncomfortable because she doesn’t want to upset her Mom when she finds out that she is planning on picking up all her extensions and moving out.
Renee and Brie are in Phoenix and Brie is talking about how annoying it is that Nikki thinks she is the boss of her. Brie says that the more Nikki doesn’t want her to do the something, the more Brie wants to do it. So what does that mean? Mamas buying a scooter.
Josie is more supportive than Nikki
Brie tells Renee she found an ad on craigslist for a scooter and Renee is appalled at this, but craigslist is like recycling to Brie. Renee is like “yeah, for body parts and organs because murderers live on craigslist.” But Brie doesn’t care because she is going to have Bryan go with her when they meet up with the guy because apparently, Bryan is the ultimate murder preventer.
The face every craigslist ad fears
When they call the guy up, they decide on a meeting place and Brie makes sure to drop the fact that her husband is coming and the guy on the line is like “sick, but I’m not a murderer, soo…”
Over in California, Rosa brings home $400 of refined sugar and trans fat because her baby told her to. She says her fetus wants to eat a whole cheesecake, but she’s okay with this because she is a professional athlete, so she’s aloud to be a fatty right now. You go girl, chase that with some mother fucking Ben & Jerry’s. You’ve earned it. She also claims to be one of the healthiest human beings on earth as we watch her practically snort the strawberry syrup topping. Whatever makes you accept the meat sweats girl, tell yourself it.
“So can we eat seven more then?”
We see Paige in the midst of a bar outing with her Mum and Kevin where she goes to play paddy cake with a stranger and Mum is like “if she tapes forties onto her hands next, I’m dragging her ass out of the bar.”
She’s about to become Edward Forty hands
Renee, Brie and Bryan go to meet this scooter murderer man and when they see a white van, they immediately talk about stranger danger being a thing. Woman, you aren’t 5, if he offers you candy, say refined sugar will kill you, my god. Anyways the guy rolls out and is like the most normal looking human being so they’re all assholes. It is a two for one scooter deal and Brie is like “this is life changing, now one of us can go the gym while the other gets groceries.” Yepp, epic stuff, one that books are written about.
Ride off into the sunset of Nikki sucking it
One scooter seems a bit iffy though, so they make a deal that the non craigslist killer gets it fixed, then they have a deal.
Back to gluttony and Bobby is installing some cameras in their house and Rosa is immediately jumping to conclusions. He says he’s doing it to get ready for the baby, but because there is one in the kitchen, Rosa assumes it’s to watch her binge eating, which also must mean that Bobby thinks she is fat, disgusting and actively planning on leaving her. So she’s clearly eating enough sugar that it is taking place of her brain cells at this point I see. She realizes she’s a little older and might not bounce back after the baby. . . meanwhile, fucking Bobby is like just trying to be a prepared human and Rosa is making him look like a giant, shallow asshole on national television. AWW. Heart emoji.
We see Paige and her Mom wrestling at the local Sky Zone, playfully clotheslining each other and trying to shatter each other’s knee caps like mother and daughter do.
My mom normally just takes me to the mall…
They head off to lunch, and Mum wants a tea while Paige is trying to knock back some Bud lights. Mum feels like something is wrong with Paige, but Paige is feeling too awkward about the whole situation, but she also kinda doesn’t want to pay the beer tab, so she storms out when her Mum asks her to pass the sugar for her tea. . . but for show purposes, it’s because she’s technically upset.
“If I blink twice, we ditch the table”
Mum dined and dashed and ran to find Paige, who says she was embarrassing her in front of everyone meaning all the non patrons of the restaurant and the AM camera crew. . . very important people.
Over in AZ, Brie is now snapchatting the shit out of the craiglist scooter guy and he pops on by with the scooters. To show a token of his love, he gives them a free tank of gas and they agree to be BFF’s forever.
A present for not killing them and such
Back with Paige, her Mum talks about being worried that Paige isn’t really talking, but Paige says it’s because she has a lot of pressure on her plate and misses having fun. The good ol’ days when she could play “rock, paper, scissors” with random bar patrons until the wee hours of the morning. Mum is moved by this declaration and wipes away her tears with her dirty socks. I love this woman.
Eva and Mandy appear finally after being cast away to selfie jail for the past couple of episodes. They dress up in coordinating lace outfits, pumped to be filming a scene, even if it is around the pregnant one. But sadly, the focus is still on Rosa and her thinking her man is trying to bust her stuffing her face with cheesy curls. She talks about how Bobby hates it that she eats chips in bed when he is trying to sleep, and the girls act like that’s the most offensive thing they’ve heard lately. Rosa tells them about Bobby setting up cameras and says she is worried he is tracking her eating. Poor fucking Bobby. Mandy, looking for a way to get in a scene, volunteers to fly across the country just to film a prank video with Rosa.
Nikki goes to lunch with her family when Bryan comes by solo. Nikki, wondering where Brie and Renee are, all of a sudden sees them roll up on scooters so we go to a commercial break because clearly, this is a tense suspenseful moment.
“Can’t anyone agree with me that Brie’s ass is going down the minute she sees a snail in the road and swerves?”
Brie doesn’t care that Nikki is upset and their brother agrees, thinking Nikki’s high heels are more dangerous than Brie riding a scooter. Nikki says at least she won’t be dead, so thanks for making brunch mimosas awkward girl.
Rosa sits down with Bobby and asks if he’s seen any of the camera footage. Bobby is like “how many fucking times do I need to tell you it’s not to film you?” but Rosa is like shit, I ate like 5 cans of whipped cream just to punk your ass. We see a quick montage of Mandy shoving baked goods in Rosa’s mouth and poor Mandy has barely gotten 2 minutes on this episode.
MISS YOU
The girl probably took a red eye to CA from FL just to go to the local Whole Foods to shove some knock off oreos down Rosa’s throat for screen time.
Bobby confesses that he’s more worried about his own waist line with all this unhealthy food around and has gained 20 pounds since Rosa has gotten pregnant. Rosa, amazed something is all about her binge eating, feels bad for making Bobby’s food problems hard and is like “I barely know him, so if he doesn’t have will power around Fritos, I wouldn’t fucking know it.” That brought a tear to my eye.
Paige takes her Mum to the park and finally opens up about her issues with not fiancee. Mum understands that Paige is not a girl to be pinned down and understands if Paige needs to go sample some more dick before settling down with the one.
Bobby and Rosa go to her 5 month check up and everything is looking good, though Rosa is convinced that through a sonogram, she can see the baby’s whole face down to like the shape of her eyebrows.
“Please stop feeding me whoopie pies mom”
When she tells doc that she is eating lifetime supplies of sugar, he is like “ever hear of diabetes?” and Rosa slowly is like “SHHIIITTT.” Alright, back to one cake a week now.
Nikki pops in on Brie and Bryan and says she can’t believe she is the only one who cares about Brie’s life, as she says it to Brie’s husband’s face. Bryan is like “by not listening to you, we are happier people” which offends Nikki because she truly believes she knows it all. Bryan tells Nikki to chill the fuck out, Brie will not be taking her scooter on the freeway, so Nikki gives up and is done saying her peace. Hey, if Brie dies, at least she told her so, right? Optimism is a beautiful thing.
To close out the episode, we learn that Paige and Kevin are finally dunzo and we see Paige moving all of her stuff out of their place. She’s using one the “Tough Enough” winners, Josh, to help her move all of her boxed up extensions and red cups. She says Kevin left the house because he couldn’t watch her leave and Paige finds his iPad, which still has a photo of them as his background.
INSTA love is dead
I feel so bad for not fiancee right now. Paige chucks the deuces pretty much and just throws some trash bags of her shit into her new place. She calls Kevin to let him know all of her stuff is gone and poor guy can barely say more than two words he’s so sad. Meanwhile, Paige is like “well, I’m going to go eat some buffalo pizza and sample some fresh dick, so bye bitch.” What a sad boner moment.
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