Hi, Trashies. So, you know the drill. It’s the episode where the contestants all yell at each other, they “confront” the lead, and we get the final audition for the future Bachelorette. Of course, we start with Ben and Chris Harrison going door to door to “surprise” fans. You know how that goes – it’s all pretty standard.
The “Mrs. Higgins” baby is creepy as hell.
But the Chris Harrison cake might be creepier.
OK, let’s get to talking to the ladies. The women in attendance tonight are Lace, Tiara (and her chicken Sheila), Amber, Jami, Izzie, Rachel, Jubilee (who gets the loudest cheers), Jen, Shushana, Lauren H., :Olivia, Leah, Becca, Haley, Emily, Amanda, and Caila. It’s a shame Tiara didn’t bring a male chicken. The “stroking a cock” jokes would have written themselves.
First, the ladies all compliment Ben and Jami talks more than she did all season. We should drink every time she says, “At the end of the day.” We’d all be dead by the 15:00 mark. Anyway, there’s a recap of night one with Lace being all types of crazy and clingy. Also, there’s some footage of the ladies being jealous of Jubilee and Leah throwing Lauren B. under the bus. Finally, we get to see :Olivia cringe her way through some of the dumb things she said.
And we’re reminded of this! Yay!
Jen starts the discussion about the drama. Basically, she thought she and :Olivia would be good friends. Then she makes some dumb comment about :Olivia smirking…you know, based on seeing the back of her head.
For the record, :Olivia was making the most neutral face ever.
Why does Emily say that everyone tried to just shake off all the :Olivia drama. As if on cue, Sheila freaks out and tries to fly away. Anyway, there will be plenty of time to talk to :Olivia later. Let’s talk about how Leah tried to sabotage the woman who is probably Ben’s fiance now. She tries to claim that Lauren B. made a comment about the other girls being losers for being upset over not getting a date. When Jami tries to chime in, Leah (rightfully) puts her in her place by saying, “You weren’t even there.” When Becca tries to confront Leah, we get an “I didn’t intentionally lie though!” How the fuck do you lie by accident?
Now let’s move on to Jubilee! She’s super well spoken and explains that this was a new experience for everyone and that none of them have come on a TV show to date a guy that 28 other women are trying to date. I’m sure Becca and Amber were just thinking, “Speak for yourself!” I love it when Jubilee speaks. She can get through a whole sentence without saying “uh” or “like” 15 times. Can she please be the Bachelorette instead of Caila? Will you just do this one thing for me, ABC?
For some reason, Lauren H. thinks that we give a shit about what she has to say. She accuses Jubilee of running from any issues that may have arisen. Jubilee explains that, other than the situation with Amber, no one ever said anything to her face about any issues. While Jubilee is being awesome, Amber and Jami are doing their best to extend their long-since-over 15 minutes of fame. I love that they think anyone will be on their side here.
Amber is 30-years-old and acts like she’s in middle school.
I guess Amber and Jami were annoyed that Jubilee said that she was 100% black while they are both biracial. Also, I don’t buy the claims of Jubilee using the n-word or claiming that the other ladies “weren’t black enough.” Do you really think the show wouldn’t jump all over that drama? Remember the drama from Andi’s season when one guy might have referred to two guys as “blackies.” Let’s face it, this show has audio on literally everything. I have no doubt in my mind they would show something that would get talked about this much. I think Amber and Jami are just trying to make sure they’re on Bachelor in Paradise.
Jubilee denies she said any of the things Amber and Jami claim she did. For some reason, Shushanna jumps in with all this. Anyway, it seems like Jubilee is just ready for it to be done, so she starts to apologize for saying anything that Amber and Jami took offense to. Instead of letting her finish a sentence, they talk over her and try to make people remember they were on the show in the first place. I have to agree with Leah (for the only time ever) when she chimes in with, “Get over it!”
Your eyebrows are still ridiculous.
As if Jubilee hasn’t been through enough, Chris Harrison calls her down to the hot seat. So, I generally don’t like Amy Schumer. However, I love that she called out Chris Harrison for making it seem like it’s bad that Jubilee is a complicated person. In all fairness, complicated people don’t do well on shows like The Bachelor/ette. Hell, I’m sure that most of the reason Ben likes Lauren B. so much is because she’s pretty much just simple and safe.
Anyway, Jubilee explains that she’s not “unlovable” as she claimed after Ben dumped her. Instead, she knows that she’s hard to love. On a way cooler note, she was just promoted to sergeant. Meanwhile, Jami and Amber are bartenders. I think Jubilee wins.
We go from well spoken to crazy when it’s time to talk to Lace! I forgot how drunk she was on night one. My God, that was amazing.
Remember the conversation about Ben not making eye contact with her? TV gold!
We find out that Lace’s tattoo says that you can’t truly love someone else unless you love yourself. Is she quoting RuPaul with that one?
Eh, I still really respect Lace for realizing that this show wasn’t the place for her. Anyway, someone interrupts Lace’s conversation with Chris Harrison to tell her that he thinks she’s beautiful and he got a tattoo of her face. Yep. Totally surprise. That’s why he had a microphone and everything.
It looks like someone drew that with a Sharpie.
They take a picture together and then Chris Harrison asks if Lace will be on Paradise this summer. Of course she will be. We all knew she would be.
Yay! It’s finally time to talk to :Olivia! I’m just going to give fair warning that I came away from this segment firmly on her side. I’ll explain why as this goes on. Anyway, Chris Harrison asks about what happened because :Olivia and Ben started so strong right away. Then it was just kind of over. We watch a big ol’ recap of their entire “relationship” and Ben stranding :Olivia on a beach somewhere. No one cares about :Olivia and Ben. Let’s talk about the drama with the other ladies.
First off, :Olivia owns up to what she did wrong. Amanda jumps in to say that while :Olivia immediately apologized for the “teen mom” comment, she never said anything about other comments that were made on the show. That whole argument pretty much ends when :Olivia points out that she never got an apology about some of the stuff that was said about her. Of course, Emily and Haley get involved with drama that doesn’t really concern them at all.
But Jami’s boobs look awesome!
We get back to Amanda – who actually has a reason to be a bit annoyed at :Olivia – who brings up that :Olivia said that any man should run the other way from a woman with kids. I…don’t remember that at all. Did that actually happen? Eh, it gives Amanda an excuse to say, “Being a mom is my jam.” There’s a lot of stuff that the twins bring up that was never shown. Again, I’m not sure if any of this is true. :Olivia was clearly getting the villain edit. Why did they choose not to show any of this? When someone (I think Leah) chimes in to tell the twins that they were bullying (everyone’s favorite buzzword) :Olivia too, Emily just says, “That’s beyond the point.” How? How is that not the point? Don’t claim to be a victim when you’re dishing out the insults just as badly if not worse.
When we come back from commercial, :Olivia explains that she never felt like she was trying to sabotage anyone else. Simply, she prioritized her relationship with Ben and just minded her own business. Yeah, she tried to steal a lot of Ben’s time, but that’s the point. Oh, hey, Jennifer is going to talk again. She wants :Olivia to know that the other ladies like to read books and “talk smart things” too. Nothing makes someone look smarter than saying, “I like to talk smart things.” Suddenly, I’m reminded of someone.
To :Olivia’s credit, she admits that her explanation to Ben about why she was a bit of a loner was poorly worded. She didn’t mean to imply that the other ladies are stupid. The twins are yelling again and I’m just over them at this point. I had so many nice things to say about Emily while she was on the show. Now she just seems like a bitch. Simply, :Olivia wasn’t comfortable in this setting. Yeah, she’s a newscaster, but she’s an introvert. I completely understand that. I spent college on the speech team. I love performing in front of an audience. I hate having to be in a large group of people. It’s exhausting to me. I can’t imagine how I’d function if I were on a show like this and basically got no alone time at all.
The whole process reminded :Olivia of how she was severely bullied as a child. Shushanna and Izzy are talking for some reason. Why do they think :Olivia bullied them? She admits that some of the things she did and said made her cringe, but there was no reason for the other ladies to make comments about her body or her breath. :Olivia’s time off the show has been tough and she had her sister take over her social media accounts because of the hate she was receiving there. She agrees that the jokes about her mouth are funny, but some stuff is just downright hateful. In the end, :Olivia seems genuinely sorry. She apologizes (again) to Amanda and all is well there. Honestly, the whole “teen mom” thing just seemed like it was a comment that :Olivia made without thinking. Lord knows I’ve made countless comments that made me cringe immediately after. I’m just thankful mine wasn’t televised. In the end, I think :Olivia is just an introvert who tried to be a character to get over how uncomfortable she was in this type of group setting. I’d say she’s redeemed herself.
The twins are no longer invited to brunch. :Olivia can have their spot.
Oh, hey, it’s time for Caila to give her final audition to be The Bachelorette. Time to take a nap. It’s the same stuff we always hear from the third place girl. She loved him, he didn’t feel the same, she still loves him, but she’s believes in love and is ready to move on…with 28 men.
So, it’s time for Ben to come out and face his (kind of) exes. Of course, Chris Harrison brings up the two “I love you”s thing. Here’s a rundown of the ladies he talks to.
Caila: It’s just all nice things. They appreciate one another. Caila can’t say anything bad because she needs to be seen as likable.
Leah: She wants to know why Ben wanted to keep every relationship separate but still tattled to Lauren B. on her. This is just stupid. Leah tells Ben that she and Lauren are good. In other words, “I get along well with the woman you’re probably engaged to.”
Jubilee: She wants to know why Ben fought for other women that pulled back from him a bit. Oh, Jubilee, you’re too good for this guy. Please know that.
:Olivia: She cared about Ben a lot, but she understands now why it didn’t work out.
Amanda: Ben being emotional after she left meant a lot to her. Also, ovaries all over America exploded watching Ben playing with her kids.
Becca: She’s happy to know that guys like Ben exist. In other words, he’s better than Chris Soules.
Lauren H.: She just wishes Ben the best because she wanted some more camera time.
Ben tells Chris Harrison that he’s in love and would “marry that woman tomorrow if [he] could.” The big question of the night is whether or not Ben can tell the twins apart. He can. Well, he guesses and he had a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
The bloopers are the same as always. It’s a lot of stuff and people falling over, people getting attacked by bugs, and Becca calling Ben “Chris.”
Best part of the whole season.
Anyway, the previews for next week are just the stuff we’ve been seeing the last few weeks. Ben is in love with two women, but who will he choose? It doesn’t matter. The runner up will probably go on Paradise and will be over Ben in no time.
So, that’s it Trashies. Are you ready for this to be over? Lord knows I am! Until next week.