It’s week 15 of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, and I find myself asking every single Tuesday night: When is Erika gonna say a riddle?
Today would be the perfect time, as she’s in full on wicked stepsister mode. She preens on her throne in shoes that cost more than the Healthcare Industry, her feet in the air to show off her loot and her moneymaker in case something lurks under the counter. There could be some old ass midget billionaire under there she could earn rewards points off of while her middle aged gayployees dart around her tugging her weave, spray glittering her elbow skin, tightening her face tape. She’s like a really tacky car being worked on by hardened pros.
It reminds me of that old show Pimp My Ride, where Xzibit would take super shit cars and turn them into douchebag dream wheels. It was so fun to watch, but not one episode passed where I didn’t ask myself why they spent all this time polishing poo instead of just buying a new car.
Erika is having a dinner party so her adoring grumpy old man husband, Don Rickles, will have someone else to yell at for a night. She’s pissed at Kathryn, of course, but Kathryn’s too stupid to really go up against. It’s important to go after somewhat intelligent people. They know when they’ve lost. Stupid people will cut you.
You can’t. Trust. A stupid. Person.
You can like them, you can laugh with them. Don’t trust them. They’re….stupid.
You’re welcome.
Sensing someone somewhere is having fun while she’s in bed not knowing if she’ll leef or dyez, Yo facetimes Erika and her friendployees. She’s on death’s door. Still, though, she managed to hold the phone right side up. I applaud progress where I see it. She’s both in a fetal position and a straight armed space selfie pose. I like that she makes herself look as sick as possible but still wants a really high up selfie so she’s not ugly.
“What iss diss apple? Dare are peoples on here!”
Erika vocally pats Yo on the head and pretends to listen to her Coal Miner’s Daughter monologue, angling her selfie cam to get the hand working on her straw weave sculpture in the shot. Sorry you’re sick. I have enough money to purchase Chronic Lyme and strangle that fucker in its sleep. But I won’t cuz busy. These glamour bears are on hourly. Feel betts, betch!
“But my troad hurd. I can’d breathez. Suppore my joorneey…”
Click.
An old Crypt Keeper hand comes out from under the counter and puts a dollar bill in Erika’s choach.
Rinna and Kathryn meet up in a limo. Rinna’s strategically wearing less inexpensive leopard print than Erika’s billion dollar Flinstone frock. The print is inevitable, so Rinna’s showing that she’s on the same side, and much poorer so the young ho won’t feel threatened. This girl knows how to make friends.
If Lisa would just look behind her, she’d see a blaring Dead End sign warning her against doing a scene with Kathryn.
Kathryn wants to meet Don Rickles cuz she’ll get to high five someone else scoring young tail. Rinna responds with a glowing Amazon Review of Erika’s daddy. “I wasn’t sure about the spots on his face of the way he yelled at his wife, but I’M SOLD! OWN that floor length ballsack, Don! Eight MILLION KAJILLION STARS!”
Erika’s serving lots of toasts tonight. Perfect fuck you to a cast that refuses gluten. She’s that girl who’s like “Um, I don’t cook cuz I’m fabulous!” You don’t cook cuz your ass earned enough money helicoptering your old ass husband’s dick enough to not cook. And to that I say BraHo, ho. It is kinda sad thinking of all she’s gone through for some heavy shoes and endless trays of fucking toast.
Her hubs comes in and she’s all over him, primping him like the best wife she can be. He’s looking at her like she’s nuts, and it’s hilarious. Old grumpy man faces do not lie. I have one. He lets her do her thing while he checks out her rack.
She didn’t tell him about the cattiness at the last group meal, cuz she doesn’t talk about stupid, childish things at the dinner table or he sends her to bed without her bite of dessert. As she tells us this, she looks down defeatedly. I’m sorry, am I supposed to be pitying your ass right now?
Why do they always make the new ho villain wear Charo hair? Let Charo be, Housewives!
Super early prediction time: I sense Erika is gonna make a move for divorce within a couple of years if Don doesn’t kick the bucket. She’s gonna play the “he’s emotionally abusive” card. I know how insane it sounds, cuz why would she move out of Liberace’s wet dream for a little freedom? He might be getting ready to toss her. ***I know I sound fucking cuckoo right now. Let’s talk about it in two seasons.
Eileen is working in a soap opera group scene tonight. I love those. The whole soap cast has to be on set for like 16 hours and raise their eyebrows at each other while some crazy shit goes down. Soap staple. I don’t remember any huge storylines revolving around someone not saying sorry genuinely enough, but that’s why they don’t let the actors write the soaps.
Kyle has Yom Kippur dinner at La Salsa tonight, so she won’t be here to stir up poo. Don’t count Yo out, though. She may be stuck to the guest room bed at Daveed My Luff’s bachelor fuck pad, but there isn’t anything stopping her from facetiming these mother fuckers and having Erika plopping an AppleTV on the table so she can accuse people of shit from the privacy of her temporary housing.
Erika is used to last minute cancellations. She lives in Pasadena.
Rinna and Kathryn arrive and Tuna Tar Tare toasts are passed. Rinna knows this shit is aimed at Vanderpump and could be poisoned, so she takes a pass. Kathryn tells the waitress that Rinna’s anorexic, which isn’t considered a lifestyle choice in Pasadena, but a disease. The poor waitress looks like she’s terrified to catch it.
You’ll survive.
Rinna chides Kathryn in that way a mom does when a kid poops himself. Mommy no likey! Bad! Bad! Zero stars! Kathryn rolls her eyes and Rinna instantly drops into huggy voice. “I really got down your throat, didn’t I?” Dahling. Not in a fight about nothing ever going down your throat.
Kathryn mocks her wussy nature and looks around for someone else to berate. She’s on a mission tonight. If “mission” were slang for “cocktail of xanny and six dollar vodka from my personal Trader Joe’s.”
This might be more comfortable with a host to explain wtf is up with all this toast, but Don Rickles refuses to come out until his investment has watched him poop.
With a soft spray of Febreeze and a flush, Erika’s out to chat with Rinna and Kathryn in front of the grand piano that sheds a tear every time she squeaks out a note. Yoli isn’t gonna make it. Everyone’s SHOCKED. Today Yo has SwollenHeadLyme. Rinna doesn’t know if she means figuratively or literally, and Erika explains that she saw Yo on Facetime and she looked like garbage. No one can believe Yolanda has learned how to facetime properly.
The Vanderpumps arrive and climb out of their limo. It cracks me up that Lisa exits every car clutching a gift and checking to make sure her rack is in place.
Lisa V doesn’t bother with a hello.
LOL
Ken starts buzzing around the living room with his flesh Roomba ass as Lisa tells Erika that she’s gotta leave by 9 cuz there’s a Dogs With Alopecia party in WeHo tonight and it will take her at least two hours to get back to civilization. Erika tightens her already tight face. That we could even see it subtly mean she must be supes pissed. “Thanks for stopping by.”
Sorry, dahling, but innocent dogs don’t stop sporadically losing their hair just because you’ve decided to order in toasts.
Three seniors, a ho, a QVC hawker and a reckless idiot. Great party! Erika is gonna be pissed later when she’s left with mountains of uneaten apps. She could have spent that budget money on some gayployees to make this seem more fun.
Don is introduced around to the ladies. Rinna gently and too loudly says helloooooooo! as if he might shit the floor and ask where he is any minute now.
They sit down to dinner and Vanderpump has to get a lot of barbs in quickly to leave early. She asks Don to tell everyone about the time he called her a worthy opponent. He laughs and gets that creepdorable little boy glimmer in his eye while Erika refrains from stabbing Vanderpump with a toast point. “You’re my most worthy opponent in life!”, Don coos.
Ouch. Part of me feels bad for Erika, but the other, meh. In the what? Fifteen total minutes of airtime we’ve known her husband, we can plainly see who he is. How could you not know that the man you married wants an opponent instead of an employee? It doesn’t help that your face was likely paid for by interest off some investment and yet he has no interest to pay what should be his greatest investment of all.
He’s in love. Lisa’s rubbing it in at this point, and it’s fucking killing me. Rinna starts her Access Hollywood interview of Rickles. What’s your favorite color? Are you as in love with you as I am with you? YOU’RE FABULOUS! Did the real Erin Brokovich really show her bra straps every day because I’m such a fan of bra straps. (insane laugh conniption fit) THIRTY STARS!
He tells the table that he became a lawyer cuz he was there when Matlock was born and seeing a newborn in a tiny white suit and the charm of apple pie inspired him. Lisa V throatily laughs and asks him if he went to actual law school or if he just uses Matlock arguments in court. They laugh at their old people TV talk, and it’s like they’re talking a different language than these non-rerun-watching heathens at the table.
Erika squeaks that of COURSE Don went to college! He has two fucking planes GODDAMMIT!
Lisa laughs and pretend stops herself. “I was joooooking, dahling.”
I refuse to feel embarrassed for Erika until the day she learns to feel embarrassed for her damn self.
Rinna’s husband played a lawyer on TV and people won’t stop coming to him for legal advice. And ass sex, but that’s partially cuz of stuff she’s talked about on the the show. Rickles pretends he knows who this woman is or who Harry Hamilton is and smiles politely while trying to reach Vanderpump’s foot with his own under the table.
Kathryn announces that if she hadn’t been a model, she woulda been a lawyer. LOL! “I love to argue!” I love Milky Ways. It doesn’t make me an astronaut.
She yellsplains that her greatest talent is turning arguments around on people and making them think she’s talking about something else. Vanderpump gives her an amused look. She’s got an entire show based on morons getting shitfaced and making asses out of themselves TV, and she knows when to sit back and watch.
No one understands Kathryn’s mysterious brain washing talent, and Don looks like he just woke up in Vietnam with a gorilla playing Patsy Cline on a banjo. Erika pats him on the hand and tells him to chew his toast.
“There! I just showed a card, Don!” Kathryn grabs his attention, but he has no idea what she’s talking about. He shakes his finger at her and smiles. He’s got your number, alright, kid! But this one…
He points at Rinna. LOL. Kathryn’s a flaming dumbass, and can’t hide it. Rinna could be brilliant, she could be mentally disabled, she could be CIA, she could be a serial killer. That huge laugh and smile and Access Hollywood grin are always the same. He can’t get a read on her.
It’s difficult for a smart lawyer to not be able to read. Maybe that’s the human flaw bond he shares with Erika. AW! HUGS!
Kathryn stage whispers to Rinna: “Hey. He just said you need to eat two breadsticks.” LOLZ! Rinna gets super pissed and threatens to increase Kathryn’s allowance if she keeps disrespecting her. “I’m gonna hug you REAL hard, missy!”
Erika gets pissy that someone would accuse her husband of saying that, even though he totally would. But at least he’d do it out loud. “Eat two breadsticks and lie on the kitchen floor until I tell you to get up, crazy lady!”
Rinna is not into any of this and starts laughpeddling furiously. That bad girl over there is making trouble! Who wants to spank that bad girl? Two stars! (nervous and awkward but still insane laugh tick)
Kathryn shouts over the table at Erika: “It’s called a sense of humor! Try it on!” No one knows quite what to make of her. Did she just suggest that a woman who flaps her cornhole on YouTube in see thru flesh toned Golden Nugget costumes under an assumed personality just like her normal personality doesn’t have a sense of humor?
Kathryn’s a dodo bird and is making no sense, but she’s right. Erika doesn’t have a sense of humor. She hasn’t laughed at anything this entire season. If you’re gonna be a ho, be a fun ho.
Rinna warns Kathryn that she’s got glassware to throw. HAHA. Somewhere in the Valley, Kim Twitchards tried finding a notebook to write that quote down to tell the police in her “I’m terrified of Rinna’s giant laughing face” report.
Vanderpump calls for a sippy cup to let Rinna drink out of so no one gets hurt and Don twinkle-chuckles. She poorly tries to change the topic of conversation from Kathryn’s drunken slurs to how she gets Erika because people think she’s cold and emotionless, too. Bwahahahaha. This show kills me.
Erika says that she doesn’t show her feelings cuz she doesn’t have them naturally and it takes her time to see what people want her to feel. Don hasn’t told her to shut up, yet, so well done. Kathryn’s still bellowing at the end of the table. “I’ve got four hours of foreplay in me before I’m done!”
Don is instantly empathetic with her, even though he doesn’t know what the f she’s talking about. Should he be upset? Yes. He thinks so. Watching him sit there confused/mad with butter on his mouth is sadlarious.
Butterface Patriarch
Vanderpump is like yes yes, what Kathryn said, whatever that was. Like when ERIKA said I spin webs. “What is this web bullshit?” HA! Kathryn fighting over nothing, Vanderpump using the nothing fight to further her own argument about one little comment. Erika is about to commit multiple murder suicide. So, so good.
Don is getting ruffled. His love is messing with his property now. He tries to explain that Erika could have meant something positive. Not all spiders are bad. Look at Charlotte’s Web. That spider saved a pig!
Vanderpump scrunches her face and says “web” ten more times while Kathryn yells at no one about nothing and Rinna has a laughing nervous breakdown. Erika is super pissed because her older friends have made her look like the adult at the table, which is really unattractive to her husband.
Kathryn: still rambling. Apparently, she’s decided she’s mad that Erika won’t let her in. She wants to be close but Erika won’t let her! Like a damn vampire on True Blood. They don’t let you in cuz you’re an animal. Stay outside and be quiet. Erika gave you a cinnabon and a boxing class and you betrayed her. No more in for you. Erika tries to remind Kathryn why she’s in trouble, but now Kathryn’s yelling about the Packers and cheese doodles in a full on Wisconsin accent and Erika is stumped.
Rickles tries to shush Kathryn, but she won’t have it. He’s taken aback. A woman just disregarded a shush. He’s gonna have Erika’s library print to canvas ho pics turned to face the wall for at least a week.
Kathryn yammers on. Why doesn’t Erika act like a REAL friend and teach her stuff? Like how to put on false eyelashes and catch flies with her ass cheeks? Erika has a good laugh at that one, as Kathryn literally doesn’t know how to put on eyelashes and is most likely being genuine. Nuts. It is good to see Erika laugh though, even though it’s born from derision.
“Throw me a booooone!” yells Kathryn, without enough of a “sense of humor” to add “so I can feed it to Rinna.”
Don doesn’t like his wife throwing bones, or something, so he gets mad again and says “Now you wait a minute!” That’s so Matlock of him to say.
All of this means that Vanderpump can’t understand why Erika said she spins webs! OH MY GOD LADY LET IT FUCKING GO! How did she make it all the way here without a “Do You Know What Ken and I Have Done For You?” cake? Erika, more ruffled at senior citizen stubbornness than she should be at this point in her marriage, tells Lisa she’s not an ice princess.
“But you come across that way!” Just like Vanderpump! You’re the same, except that Lisa also spins WEBS, supposedly. HAVE YOU HEARD?
Erika rolls her eyes and Kathryn snaps at her to not do that. Bossy ass. Erika starts the whole “you’re disrespecting me in my own home!” routine. Be polite. Disrespect her in a public park when she’s not there. It’s called CLASS, Kathryn.
Kathryn, officially out of her mind, says “You’re losing this argument, right now.” I am literally laughing out loud in my house like a crazy person. But what about Vanderpump spinning weeeebs, dahling! Let’s talk about THAT! Don drops the anger, finally getting it.
“Do you people do this all the time?”
Kathryn looks around blankly for a sec then blinks her stupid Simpsons wide eye empty blink. She admits that she told Vanderpump the web story to get a reaction. Erika points knowingly and calmly, like she just solved a Mad Libs. Kathryn got a reaction, but it was from Vanderpump, not Erika. Everyone nods like this is super deep and smart, as if that’s not who Kathryn was trying to get a reaction from.
No one really knows what’s happening, and Rinna is hiding behind a napkin. Vanderpump nods. “Yes. I reacted. Because you said I spin WEBS!” bwhahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Don starts rambling a defense about how his neighbor couldn’t have committed this crime, but Vanderpump wants him to defend WEBS. He shushes her and she backs down. “You’re right.” Matlock was only happy after he rested his case, too.
Ken can’t believe someone just shushed his hag fag. He yell/mutters “You’re acting like the Judge, Rickles, and you’re just a lawyer.” Old people fight! Ken Todd can smack a bitch down. He doesn’t even dare shush Lisa. The last swan who tried it got decapitated and sent to Kyle in a Gelson’s bag.
Don says spinning webs is a good thing. “You own the operation, baby!” Erika says bleepedity bleep, which I can only guess from her vocabulary was “bullshit” or “that’s cunt fuck bullshit I don’t give a fuck.” He sternly shuts her down. “PARDON ME, ERIKA.”
She looks down at her knees and quiets down. Damn! And LOL. Kathryn registers this with a couple blinks to use later on. Don forgot what he was saying.
Vanderpump asks the table what it means when someone says you spin webs. Oh for fucksake. Ding! Time’s up! Gotta go to that Fund To Put Down Lame Midget Donkey Horse charity. Erika pulls a tight, cold face. “Thanks for stopping by.” Erika, how many times do you need to lose in one night? Drop the ice. You’re up against Frosty.
Vanderpump chuckles in that “oh chill, amateur” way and says she was happy to be invited and looks forward to getting inside of Erika’s crazy ass mind, which is similar to hers. That is if anyone had ever suggested to Erika that she’s a web spinner.
Don stands up and good heartedly (for him) says “Ya gotta go.” HEY! I thought he was gonna be kicking some idiot out! He’s NOT? WE’VE BEEN ROBBED, DAMMIT! Not surprised that it was all a ruse to get us to watch. What were the editors supposed to show? A confused old dude with butter on his face trying to make an argument for the term “web spinner” while some drunk ass mouth breather hurled nothings at no one? Well done, Bravo. Watching a Housewife fall flat on her face is way more entertaining than seeing her kicked out. Take note, Polo Lounge. You might get entertaining again.
Erika is not pleased. She finally had some people under seventy over and it was ruined by some drunk. This was a disaster, as I imagine most dinners with her husband are. The sad part is that she’s not mortified that she just got berated in front of America, but that her guests made her husband mad.
Jesus, woman. Get help. Or cuddle up to piles of money. I’m honestly not sure at this point which would be better for you.
Rinna gets stuck with Kathryn at the end of the night and asks the heavens for another car. Kathryn laugh whines “Am I really that bad?” Yes. Rinna’s gonna ask Twitch to rideshare just to offset your crazy ass.
Kyle and Erika meet up to pretend to play a sport, but Erika’s sick of spitting out balls so she doesn’t wanna play tennis. They choose something called Pickle Ball instead. Leave it up to Erika to turn a ball sport into a phallic game. Consistency is key.
Erika’s shocked she’s not more in shape, cuz she writhes around on floors flapping her ass cheeks. Well, find a game that you can use your hoochie in. Might I suggest ping pong?
Erika catches nosy ass Kyle up on the party and Kathryn and stuff. All this talk of not being able to trust women and you meet up with Kyle. Hopeless. Kyle is shocked that such a strong women is so easily silenced by a man. Kyle doesn’t let Mauricio tell her shit. Mauricio has his trans hookers to tell off when he’s mad, just like Don Rickles.
Habitat for Humanity day! This is some kind of offshoot of the charity called “Give Back Homes”, which is fucking hilarious. Twitch is gonna punch the TV when she sees this shit.
Kyle tells us that anyone can write a check, but if she’s gonna be as rich as her sister, Kathy “Large Marge” Hilton, she needs to have her money either in the bank or on her fingers. Instead, she’ll walk around poor people’s homes for a while holding a paint roller and save her damn cash. Kyle’s an asshole, but she knows how to save her dollars.
She brings up the upcoming cast trip to Dubai and says she’s dying to go cuz Mauri said they’d love her dresses there. Good call.
Kyle by Hajib Too
Kathryn and Donnie. People who talk this much about money are usually in financial trouble. First clue, they’re shooting in a store and prominently showing the brand. Nothing says Daddy Warbucks like trying to grab a free pair of shoes in your five minutes of airtime.
Kathryn wonders if she’s a bitch, and Donny assures her that she is. “You’re a little brute.” Brutal? Brutish? Is he asking for free cologne? No idea. Their English is embarrassing.
Next, we get to see Kathryn get a hearing test and talk about the advancements in ear miracle surgery. Sometimes people think she’s rude because she ignores them when really she just can’t hear them. If hearing is the reason people think you’re a dick, it’s because you can’t hear the own bullshit spewing from your own damn mouth. Getting ear surgery is inspiring and all, but if you want people to like you, you’re concentrating on the wrong part of your head. Forget your ears. Get your jaw wired shut.
Eileen and Rinna meet up at Zuma beach. This is close to Eileen’s house. I only note this because poor fucking Rinna is such a bottom. She has to drive an hour to do a scene with anyone, and she doesn’t even get a lunch out of it. She’d just push it around her plate, but still.
Eileen dredges up the whole “why stick up for Vanderpump after I set Kathryn up to embarrass her at a table full of people on camera when you know she’s manipulative!?” thing. Eileen seriously needs to get a hobby. Maybe study a color wheel for awhile or watch some “How Not to Look Like a Fileen’s Clearance Rack Sale” videos on YouTube.
Rinna does an about face. Unfortunately, it’s not a Playbill so it won’t literally be an About Face: this face has been pulled like pork and owns it, BABY. This face would like to thank Harry Hamlin, its kids, and the people at REI sports for the lifelips in case it’s ever involved in a flash flood or Tsunami.
I don’t even know what I’m talking about at this point.
About face. Instead of denying it or trying to smooth it over, Rinna gets emphatic, baby! She LOOOOOOOOVES Vanderpump and wanted to stick up for her cuz she loooooves her, but she IS manipulative. Vanderpump and Kyle had been sending text jokes about Yolanda’s Munchies before the convo ever went public and thought it was hilarious. When Rinna mentioned that one of their friends had been gossiping about the Lymehausen, Lisa suggested that Rinna bring it up publicly and left her to take the fall.
Watching Rinna’s MunchieWiki Monologue back when it aired, it seemed pretty likely that Kyle and Lisa goaded Rinna into questioning the disease on camera and then acted like she was insane for doing it. No shock here. Except for the details. One minute Kyle and V are joking, but now it’s only Vanderpump who suggested you brought it up? Rinna says V called her and basically ordered her to do it. LOL. I totally believe that, which makes it even more hilarious. But let’s please not let Kyle off the hooker.
Rinna OWNS bringing it up, Missy, but says she wouldn’t have if she wasn’t brainwashed into it. Good Lord, woman. Grow a pair. You don’t OWN something when you blame everyone else for making you own it. You can’t buy a car cuz someone sweet talked you into it and then return it the next morning and ask for a refund. You signed, you pay. Oddly enough, this is known as Lemon Law.
“I was used as a pawn.” Since when do pawns get tricked into questioning random chess pieces about possibly spreading LieLyme? Has anyone on reality TV ever played chess?
Me neither. It’s hard.
Look at this as a positive, Rinna. You learned a very important lesson: if Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump get all giddy on the iMessage about slinging mud in a scene together, ALWAYS make them throw first.
Rinna did and does question Yo’s illness, though, which is her point. She says that Yo is “obviously ill”, but she’s using it for sympathy. Duh. Eileen is mortified that she brought Rinna here to talk shit about Kathryn and in turn Vanderpump and Rinna has instead dragged Eileen into the “You was accuseen me of da Munchenflackadackens oh vateva da verd ees!!” travesty.
Rinna whips out her smartphone, the only device needed in a Housewives Court of Law. Yo told Erika she couldn’t come to da partee cuz she was doo zeek. But BOOM! She insta’d a pic of her from earlier that day hanging out with Brandi and Twitch! Eileen points out that spending time with those two idiots could make anyone’s brain hurt too much to continue the day, but Rinna’s not buying.
Eileen’s entire head starts backing away from this. She just wanted to talk shit about Vanderpump. “I give her a pass cuz she’s sick.”
Rinna points at her like she just figured out a really long word on Wheel of Fortune. “That’s what I’m talking about!”
She’s balls to the wall if that bitch is sick, it’s in the head now, and Eileen wants to run away. She protests, shakes her head, and flat out says Rinna is nuts for going after a sick woman and she one hundred percent, unequivocally believes Yolanda. Rinna has just invited the wrath of Kyle, Vanderpump, Yolanda, and the entire ChronicLyme Army, who assumes if Yolanda’s being accused of making diseases up for sympathy that every sufferer is (which is not the case).
Rinna is sick of Yolanda’s sickness! Yoli is the biggest manipulator of everyone, and Rinna said it and she’s gonna OWN IT, BABY!! Good luck with that. I’ll always be here for hugs and drinks after.
Kyle shows up at Daveed My Love’s bachelor fuck pad during visiting hours. Yolanda sits in the waiting area wearing the White Jeans of Doom. She tells Daisy she’s wearing lime green and gets a two hundred dollar an hour laugh. If any of your clothes are infected, it’s your damn white jeans woman. Change!
Kyle and Yo’Nique talk about the good old days. In other words, they get right to the point.
Kyle is oddly non combative. This is both because A. She doesn’t have anyone on her “team” and there’s no one to point fingers at when she fumbles, and B. Yolanda is prominently displaying her IV junkie bruises as a pre-defense.
If Jesus had an addiction to really expensive doctors.
Kyle innocently asks about the email. Yolanda felt attacked at lunch, so she made a mail on da compuder phone ting. Well Kyle felt attacked, too!! LOLZ. Yes, Yo sent the email to the entire cast and crew and TMZ, but they were only CC’d so it’s still private if Kyle is the only main recipient. Besides, that crazy faced Rinna was just gonna read it from a cellphone on air anyway, so Yolanda figured she’d save Kyle the drama of having to FWD it.
Kyle can’t argue with any of this, because Yolanda is creepily cool and relatable when she’s not…crazy. Kyle looks relieved that she doesn’t have to fight. This bitch will take Kyle’s hair out, and it’s all she’s got.
It’s Habitat for Humanity: Give Back Homes day. The dodo birds have gathered in hardhats and Spanx, ready to see how poor people do things for an hour or so. Answer: Just like you, but without fast cars and faces that scare children.
Mauri asks how the recipients of homes are chosen and if they could add the name Kim Twitch Richards to the list. As with any scene Kyle orchestrates, this is about her own damn money. It’s an event to help Mauri’s real estate co, and everyone has to wear hats with his logo. Kyle’s most favorite charity is Kyle.
Vanderpump isn’t sure about using tools and stuff, so she asks if she can just decorate, as if underprivileged families in Watts just need giant Moroccan pots blocking entries and some decent roses to be good as new.
Kyle climbs up on a roof and whines about being scared. You should be. There aren’t cameras up there and you know Mauri’s ass is tempted to push her. I love that even in white overalls and on a ladder, I can get beautiful screenshots of Kyle’s too small bra. Bless you, Bravo.
Vanderpump and Erika get stuck painting the outside of Brandi’s future home together. Vanderpump keeps saying she’s found a web to paint and throatily laughing at herself. Erika, a furious teenager in a forty something year old rubber ho’s body, retorts with gems like “NOT.” She refuses to giggle with the Madame, and tells us that she doesn’t deserve to be attacked like this. Hilari. And you’re right. You deserve to be waved away and ignored. This “attack” is called grace, betch.
Kyle runs over with another phony “I’m a girl!” fear. Planes, heights, bras in her size, now spiders, you guys. How do you think spiders when they realize they just bit someone made out of Women’s Rogaine and Cheezits? Rinna says if she doesn’t like spiders she shouldn’t be by them cuz of Vanderpump. Everyone cracks up, except for Erika. She’s being boolied, you guys. She stomps away and writes really terrible lyrics in a Moleskine about jerking off teenagers and driving fast cars without underwear. There are no vowels. ART!
Vanderpump tells Kyle it might be time to lay off the spider jokes because Erika seems pissy now. Thankfully, Eileen will keep the fun going. She calls Kathryn over for Erika to tell off, cuz….she’s Eileen. Kathryn tries the “I was kidding!” and the “Vanderpump made you think it was bad but it wasn’t!” bs, but Erika yells at her. It’s wonderful. That little squeaky voice going up against stupid wide eyed Kathryn. How dare she make Erika look bad in front of Don Rickles! He was still pissed off this morning! That was Erika’s entire party allowance for the month!
Erika, still squealing, adds that because of Kathryn, it’s gonna be REALLY hard for Lisa Vanderpump to like her. LOLOLOLLLL. You mean the woman who just tried making you laugh before you accused her of attacking you? Please. Still, though, please yell at people more. It’s really funny.
Kathryn apologizes and gets a hug, and Erika walks away, still miserable. Erika pretends she’s super fun and chill, but she’s a humorless betch. It actually makes me like her more. I’ve never seen someone struggle this hard to be seen as serious, even when she’s flapping her ass cheeks on the ground to off key tracked GarageBand tripe to prove how serious she is about not being serious, except seriously. You know?
If none of this recap made sense, you read it right. Long live RHOBH!
I co-host the Watch What Crappens podcast twice a week. Find it on iTunes Sticher Soundcloud or any other podcast app. I’m on twitter @RonnieKaram, so feel free to talk it out.