Last week, Kandi and Todd decided to name their baby after an old Jim Carrey movie. Phaedra and the boys visited prison so she could scan the population for their new stepdad. Kenya found free labor in Matt and Porsha provided more proof that her mom didn’t ingest enough folic acid throughout her pregnancy.
This week, Phaedra has employed Chris to teach her how to tap dance/clog for her Christmas party. Porsha says that he’ll put some flair into it and snap his neck and swing his hair. Much like her marriage, Phaedra is going to let her puppet dig a hole while she gets away scot free.
Kandi and Todd visit his mom’s grave. He’s stayed remarkably strong through her sudden death and Kandi mentions that. They discuss how far they’ve come and how Momma Joyce calls the baby “bridge” because he’s bringing them together. What’s Momma Joyce’s name? Fault line?
Back at Phaedra’s house, Porsha shares the story about the Feds going to Kandi’s house. Porsha babbles on about how terrible it must be and Phaedra doesn’t seem to care at all. After all, reasons Phaedra, “don’t make your bed if you don’t want to lie in it”. Does that mean I should never make my bed so I never sleep in it? Do rustled sheets really stop people from getting onto bed? If I’m tired enough I’ll sleep on anything, anywhere. Porhsa’s the same way; she slept through the day they taught,like, everything at school.
Porsha says that she hopes Kandi doesn’t think Phaedra called them. Phaedra never denies it but does offer the excuse that she was out of town.
“How could I call from out of town girl? MCI long distance is a bitch.”
She wonders aloud how Kandi would feel if she had all of Todd’s stuff. His clothes could easily fit into a Spongebob backpack so she wouldn’t even notice. Porsha also says that the Feds went to Peter and Cynthia’s house. Phaedra’s response is that he spent more time with Peter at the bar instead of at home with his kids. In other words, she called the Feds on both of them and lent them her TomTom.
Matt’s Christmas presents to Kenya are two puppies she names “King” and “Twirl”. Ten bucks says Matt sues for puppy support. She fills him in on the Feds raiding Kandi’s house and she explains how close Phaedra and Kandi were. Matt listens intently as if he wasn’t president of the Fulton County Real Housewives of Atlanta Fan Club. Her new puppy begins to chew her shoes. I’m hoping this one doesn’t have a mysterious “accident” too.
Mal helps Cynthia put together a romantic night for Peter. Cynthia is going to give him a massage to help him de-stress from his long, hard nights of boning other women. He’s really excited when he sees his surprise and begins to undress. Cynthia seems frightened by his underwear and everything underneath it.
That’s right girl. Duck the multiple strands of DNA being flung around your kitchen!
You ever notice how 87% of Cynthia’s scenes are in her kitchen? She offers him a happy ending which in Peter-speak is erasing the last twelve years of his credit report. As she begins massaging him and gets to his temple of doom, there’s a loud noise. And her daughter. And her ex. Hands down – funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time. This was so Cynthia…trying to be sexy and perform an act of charity for her husband only to have it blow up in her face. At least it didn’t get into her hair. Their visitors leave, Cynthia climbs on top of Peter and nearly crushes his peen with her knee. Women everywhere nearly rejoiced.
Porsha and Lauren go to the doctor because Porsha wants to make sure that she can carry on her grandfather’s legacy of producing subpar generations of aspiring cage fighters. The doctor tells her that she should still be able to have babies because life is cruel that way.
Phaedra brings Dwight out for his annual Dia de Muertos appearance. She is having a Christmas party because no one had a fake business or TV show to launch. In keeping with tradition, Phaedra has little people there dressed as elves. Ayden is there but he seems cranky which is out of character. It could be because his mother has him perched atop a structure that is approximately 7 feet off the ground with no safety harness and he’s just waiting to Pollyanna his ass off the side of it so he can get an age appropriate seat.
Counting down the days until he can take this out on society.
She’s literally using him as a prop much like the little people in costume. He’s grossed out by Dwight being “romantic” with Phaedra. Kid, Dwight is more likely to be romantic with the catering guy’s Sterno burner than Phaedra. He shouts out Bob for being a fake Santa and gives his mother coal for being naughty. Even when he’s being a brat he’s pretty awesome.
Ayden: Here’s five bucks. Put some air in your mattress.
Kandi arrives and is a little distant with Phaedra because she doesn’t know if she’s the one who called the Feds. Porsha and Shamea arrive in booty shorts. NeNe shows up and unlike most season finales is pleasant.