When I was a kid, there was a great show called Rescue 911. It had dramatic recreations of emergencies and interviews with the real life heroes who helped with all manner of accidents. The interview with the paramedics escorting Lyle to the hospital would probably have gone something like this:
Lyle: I am a Beauxdreaux baby! And I want my mama!
Paramedic 1: Sounds like you have a bad case of heartbreak.
Paramedic 2: And a couple STDs.
Lyle: I can thank Santana for all of that.
Paramedic 1: Why are we wasting our time with him?
Paramedic 2: Let’s throw him out. <heaves stretcher out the back of the moving ambulance>
All they heard was a sad duck call, bleating in the woods as they drove away.
My left aorta! This is your fault Santana…and my sodium heavy diet!
Anyway, Lyle goes off to the hospital for some over dramatized help while the rest of the family talks shit on Santana. Mattie calls Lyle’s mom who sounds…vague. Mattie calls Santana a “stupid little girl” and begins getting heated…which is probably going to lead to drama.
Santana calls the house and Daddy answers. Before he can get three words out, Mattie starts screaming about how she doesnt want her calling the house and all that. Daddy tries to tell Santana that everything is great and that he does not know where Lyle has gone, but Mattie runs outside and gathers the braintrust of Lauren and Tiffany to help get the message across. Tiffany storms in and says “hang up with her” while grabbing the cheeseburger and making the two buns meet. CLICK. Santana calls back and Tiffany answers, tells her to never call the house again and CLICK. Not her call to say who calls, but still funny.
Tiffany and Lauren agree that Santana does not need to know what is going on. Mattie is riled and wants to give Santana a piece of her mind. The camera dramatically zooms in on the ringing cheeseburger. Daddy diplomatically asks them not to answer it but it is like shit to flies.
Mattie answers and this is where it gets awesome. She is sitting all high and mighty on the phone throne but she is an idiot, so instead of delivering a serious monologue, she blathers, “I am going to tell you this and I am going to tell you this. One time. You hear me? And when I am telling you this, I am not playing with you little girl. If you keep playing damn games…you have our family getting fucked up. I will get to you. I will hurt you.” Then she hangs up. Take it easy Martha.
My skills are very limited…
The team takes a shot to family and to Lyle. Everyone chills out. The next night (or maybe later on that night) Lyle returns. Turns out he was just dehydrated. Probably from drinking like a fish. Mattie says that she does not believe it was a lack of water but an overdose of Santana. Get this fool some Gatorade and a big thanks from local taxpayers for covering his momentary “emergency.” Santana must have a sixth sense because no sooner then he returns does she start in with more crap. Lyle answers the burger and Santana sounds desperate on the phone, talking about how Lyle needs to call Wyatt because he said that Santana slept with someone…and he is sorry? Santana says she is not worried and that he is lying.
Ok first off, what the hell is this crap? All I am hearing is that Santana is a skank. Why is her vagina always the center of controversy? ANNOYING. Mattie walks into the phone room and after figuring out who he was on the phone with, grabs the phone out of his hand and hangs it up. Lyle just goes to bed. Kind of a bitch move but ultimately the best thing.
Of course, she starts calling repeatedly. Sometimes Lauren answers and hangs up. Other times she marvels at Santana’s persistence. Mattie chews Lyle out, basically for letting Santana ruin his life and that of his family. She tells him he is not the man she thought he was. Which is a biting insult, and also coming from Mattie, something she really does not understand but it sounds good in her squirrel brain.
Mattie decides to spend the next day by the pool. She is ridiculously hard bodied. Egads. The cheeseburger rings and thankfully it is not Santana but Bubba, Tiffany’s bf. He works offshore and after a few pleasantries with Lyle the connection cuts out. Tiffany misses him. When Lyle comes downstairs, Mattie gives him a big friend hug and tells him to cook everyone breakfast. That was nice.
Hott Dogg and Tiffany are undertaking a quest of discovery in their room, looking for the remaining plate of rotten food that is smelling up their room. Hott Dogg thinks they should cook bacon upstairs so the smell permeates the room. Hott Dogg tries to explain why it is a good idea and everyone shoots it down. Stimulating television. Meanwhile, look at their kitchen:
Used condiments. The sign of a good party.
Everyone gets a turn on the cheeseburger, because now Murray is talking to his good friend “Chi Chi” about coming to party the next night. Chi Chi? I would not put it past Murray to befriend a former lab monkey. He seems stoked to come. Stoked is the right word, and when you see him, you will know why. Murray says he has never brought anyone from home on “vacation” so this is a good opportunity- and also the last.
The next night Lauren and Walt are staying in. For some reason, Lauren is feeling…frisky and in her words, she wants to “kick it up a notch and get it goinggggg<vocal fry>” Lauren wants to go in the hot tub. Walt is having a good time. Lauren is feeling good. Daddy is excited. They chat about how Walt’s pranks against Hott Dogg are toughening her up and making her a better person. Daddy says Lauren used to be the same way but now she is ripping girls panties off in fights. HA! Lauren is having a hard time standing, and Walt seems to be in his comfort zone. He calls Lauren crazy in a fun, teasing way and asks Lauren if she would like to take one of the watermelons upstairs to bed. She responds maturely.
My hopes and dreams! Dashed to smithereens!
Tiffany tells Lauren she is going to clean that. Good for Tiffany. The guys mourn the fruit. Lauren chucks a plastic cup. Walt and Daddy simultaneously say “you are crazy,” which is great. Lauren goes from 0-100 and becomes mad and slammy. Lauren is ranting and making a mess on the patio. Tiffany is trying to understand what is going on while Lauren tries to explain…nothing. Basically, Lauren feels rejected because she wanted to hook up with Walt. She starts saying “You’re happy with it.” Lauren tries throwing a beer and duffs it all over herself. She is a drunk moron. The guys are laughing at her because she is a sloppy slab sided shithead. Lauren escalates it and smashes the glass coffee pot, throwing ketchup into the wall and screaming about nothing. Angry, vengeful scag.
The guys are looking in from the patio, in stitches. If they are not careful, they will cut themselves and really need stitches. So says Daddy…and Mommy. Lauren is frothing at the mouth saying how much Walt instigates crap. Tiffany tries to calm her down. Lauren is crying and telling Tiffany what a terrible person Walt is. She hopes he goes to prison for seven years. Then, because Lauren is a sane individual, she gets on the cheeseburger (see, everyone gets a turn) to call her MOM. She is babbling about how her grandfather is a federal marshall so people should not fuck with her. Uh, that is what precipitated this outburst. That you are not worthy of a lay. Her makeup is running and she looks beautiful.
Lauren Ash White. Just so it shows up in Google Image Results.
It is like 4am and she is yelling at her mother about how she wants a restraining order against Walt. Ok…because she is upset that he picks on Hott Dogg? Instead of hanging up on her daughter, Lauren’s mom humors her and tells her to sleep it off and go to bed. She goes upstairs with a flourish of cursing and anger.
The next morning, Tiffany calls Bubba and confirms that he is coming Friday. Bubba complains he is missing duck hunting. How very Party Down South! Soon, an SUV pulls up and out pops a tiny tattooed thing with ink all over. He looks like he smells. Chi Chi wastes no time and starts doing keg stands and partying. He goes for a swim in his underwear. They go over to the pig sty and grab Lauren to bring her in the house. Kidding, that was harsh. They grab a pig and let it loose inside, which pisses Tiffany off something fierce. She has a pig who lives in the house at home and does not like any pig abuse. Tiffany comes out of the shower in a towel and takes the pig back to the sty. Chi Chi tries to apologize to Tiffany and Chi Chi (in underwear) and Tiffany (in a towel) wind up hugging- which I find a little suspect.
Lauren sleeps the entire day away like a slug and when she finally drags her carcass to the porch for a smoke, the guys say she needs to apologize to Walt. She actually says “ok on the count of three” to Walt and then trails off her “sorry” on purpose. Murray tells her that she needs to apologize. GOOD. She admits she threw a pretty good tantrum. More then that you gross shit bag.
Anyway, Tiffany has some drama brewing at home. I guess her best friend slept with her ex boyfriend? And Tiffany is pissed about this because…why? Maybe she still has feelings for the ex. Tiffany calls Lindsay and starts haranguing her on the phone. Hott Dogg understands that this is girl code. Lyle wonders why Tiffany is inserting herself in this crap. Daddy says that she still has feelings for her. BINGO, there it is. Daddy says they are from a small town and people will bang each other.
Bubba calls, sounding upset. And Tiffany has a “I’m busted” look on her face. Bubba does not believe Tiffany when she says that it has nothing to do with her ex. Bubba hangs up on her. Tiffany starts redialing him like a nutcase. This poor cheeseburger.
One day you will have peace.
Tiffany figures instead of calling she can just go out and have fun. They pile into the cabs and head off to the bars. They get it going and Tiffany is getting very handsy with Chi Chi. They are taking body shots and Chi Chi has his shirt off and is doing push ups on top of her ON the bar. Charming. He spits booze into her mouth. Seriously.
So this is what Hep C tastes like…
And that ends the episode. I am going to go scrub with bleach.
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