Hi, Trashies! LEN IS BACK! LEN IS BACK! LEN IS BACK! LEN IS BACK! That’s all you need to know about the intro. Seriously, he’s a bigger star than anyone who is actually competing this season. Ooh! Can we watch Len dance all season instead?
Anyway, shall we get right to the show? I think we should!
Our first dancer is Kim Fields (of Tootie and Real Housewives of Somewhere in the World fame) dancing with Sasha. I hope she does well. I want to see more of Sasha this season. He’s just delightful. They’re dancing a cha-cha and Kim just doesn’t want to hurt herself.
That was a pretty standard cha-cha. You know my feelings about extra dancers, so I won’t go into a lot of detail there. Len liked it. Not all of it, but he liked it. Kim was crisp and sharp, but she needs to work the hips a little bit more. Over all, it was a great start to the show. Bruno is already ranting and flailing. That’s what he does. Carrie Ann loves Kim’s charisma, but she needs to make sure she doesn’t rush.
Scores:
Carrie Ann – 7
Len – 6
Bruno – 7
20/30
It’s so nice to have Len back to give realistic scores. Also, do you have any idea how happy I am to not have to write “Julianne” in the scores section?
Paige Vanzant is a UFC fighter. I hope she beats up Mark. That would be fun to watch. Rehearsal is just a whole lot of Paige not being used to be soft and girly. this early in the season, rehearsal footage is a whole lot of nothing.
It wasn’t bad, but you can see that Paige is uncomfortable dancing. She’s really emotional after the dance because she tripped. Bruno rhymes a lot of things with “twirling.” Anyway, Paige is surprisingly light on her feet, but she lacks some control. Carrie Ann sees a lot of potential in Paige, but she wants to see her let go a little bit more. Len tells Paige her posture has a ways to go, but she did pretty well overall.
No, Erin, Paige does not “literally kill people” for a living.
Scores:
Carrie Ann – 7
Len – 7
Bruno – 7
21/30
That seems high considering all the criticism they threw at her.
Doug Flutie (dancing with Karina) comes from a family of dancers. He’s always been an underdog, so he’s used to people thinking he won’t do well. Yep, that’s about it.
Doug is trying, but it’s really obvious that he’s in way over his head. He and Karina seemed off a few times. Carrie Ann says the good news is that he did it, but he was struggling. Fortunately, he never gave up. He just kept going. Although it was a song by Neil Diamond, Len says it wasn’t a diamond of a dance. However, he thinks Doug can redeem himself with a paso doble next week. Bruno just repeats what Len and Carrie Ann said but louder and with more flailing.
Scores:
Carrie Ann – 5
Len – 5
Bruno – 5
15/30
The audience isn’t happy, but I think that was generous.
Fun fact: I roped the boyfriend into watching this with me. Every time Erin speaks, he just says, “I don’t like her.”
Hopefully Jodie Sweetie will be the contestant who gets Keo past week two! Jodie is a perfectionist and is way too hard on herself. She’s even brought to tears because she is so afraid she’ll look stupid. She just wants to reinvent herself as a 34-year-old woman so she’s not just a child star.
Of course it was good. Jodie has a pretty extensive dance background and she constantly showed it off on Full House. The smile she had on her face the whole time was a little weird for a dance like a tango, but that’s not a big deal. The audience is going nuts. Len wants Jodie to work on her head (must…resist…blowjob…joke…), but overall it was really good. I think Bruno says something about being careful about transitions, because they were a bit shaky. Carrie Ann tells Jodie the dance was impressive, but she had her jaw clenched the whole time and it looked weird. I guess that was the smile that I saw.
Scores:
Carrie Ann – 7
Len – 6
Bruno – 7
20/30
Really? That was only as good as Kim and worse than Paige? I call bullshit.
Geraldo Rivera brags about opening Al Capone’s vault. Why is he bragging about that? That is considered a huge failure in the news world. Edyta Śliwińska was one of the original pros. She left to have a baby, but now she’s back. Geraldo wants to do the show because he’s the only Puerto Rican in America who can’t dance.