It’s the 76 part reunion of Real Housewives of Atlanta. The women are all dressed in their porridge-colored finest. Porsha is “Aunt” Porsha so now she shares a brain and a name with the world’s most industrious insect. Andy has Kandi stand up to show off her post-baby figure. Everyone claps except Phaedra who’s taken a vow of bitchiness.
Phaedra passing out when she realizes she’ll never get the first seat.
They make some small talk and somehow we’re already on Phaedra calling Kenya “oatmeal pie face”. This is a good sign. By the end of the hour the insults will have reached a 7th grade level. Kenya has worn an extra layer of self-righteousness under her gown and says that Phaedra insulted her looks. Phaedra corrects her and says she only made fun of her skin, they then debate whether skin is a part of one’s look. Ask the blue bitch from the X-Men. It all counts.
Kenya says that she didn’t bother Phaedra all season but in case she was wondering, she’s no competition for Kenya. Phaedra assures Kenya that she’s not jealous because she’s still not married and has no kids. Somehow we got left back and are in the 1st grade. Kenya brings up Phaedra’s comment about Kenya being dark-skinned. I don’t know what Twitter had to say about that but Phaedra apologizes quickly for that one. And this is why I’ll never like her. She has consistently insulted entire segments of the population just to get at one person.
Kenya then forces everyone to clap for her because her hair care product will be in CVS in 6 months. I’ll wait. My hands are raw from the 22 months we’ve been clapping for the debut of “Life Twirls On”. Porsha’s friend’s pet used Kenya’s shampoo and she loved it. I call BS. Who says pet? It’s a cat, dog or goldfish. Species or it didn’t happen.
Andy asks if Kim was offended by Kandi assuming she wore granny panties. Kim is not offended but won’t say if she’s wearing any. I think the real question is why is she dressed in pioneer woman culottes under her gown?
Kim: I’d love to applaud that but I don’t know what culottes are? Is it a form of carpool?
Todd joins the women to discuss Ace. Kandi says the baby has a beautiful head while Todd simultaneously says his head is big. A viewer criticizes him for walking out during the doctor’s appointment. Kandi was fine with it because she doesn’t like to pass up checks or a chance to sneak in a snack during the ultrasound intermission.
“I ate a big taco!”
It turns out that the restaurant is as difficult to run as Peter’s credit and Todd drank Kandi’s breast milk from Ace’s bottle. Andy tells him it’s better from the faucet. I wanna know where she makes her cookies.
Andy welcomes Sheree. She was surprised Kenya came for her the first time they met. She was happy to be back though. Now she can afford gas and electric.
Kenya thinks Kim was condescending because she made the comment about it being okay not to fit in with this group. They all basically say she didn’t fit in and was judgmental except for Cynthia who thinks she was just uncomfortable around people with smaller wigs than hers. Porsha says he was hoping she’d be an endearing aunt and then changes it to sister when everyone points out how horrible that sounds. Kim was simply surprised at how revealing the women were but she has no problems with anything, anywhere, at all.
Pocahontas from Manataukin asks why Kim had such a hard time with the kids in D.C. when Phaedra didn’t. Sheree jumps in and needles her on it too. Sheree is acting like Kim Fields walked out of a fashion show with no fashions. It was just members of congress, geez. Kim says that it was presented to her as a trip for their children. Sheree keeps questioning why she left and Kim says because her kid was crying. It’s still not enough and Sheree asks why Kim said it wasn’t for kids. Kim asks which meeting is she referring to and Sheree says all of them. Kim says that she was focused on being a good mom whose kids will never know the rubbery touch of an air mattress. Sheree asks why she didn’t just leave and Kim says she wanted her free low-sodium boxed lunch. Finally off the hook, Andy asks about Kandi and Kenya not being there. Phaedra claims Kandi wasn’t invited because she was too pregnant to travel. Yeah…usually you ask someone about the status of their uterine passport before you just make a decision for them. Kandi states that she actually could have gone.
Andy wants to know about the status of their friendship. Phaedra Kim Richards’d it up and took chicken salad to the hospital for Kandi. Kandi says they’re feeling each other out but a lot of stuff pissed her off this season. Carla from Schenectedy asks why Kandi let her come to hospital. Kandi feels that Phaedra crosses line of friendship and goes “all the way in”. Phaedra claims that Kandi said terrible things too like saying Phaedra only wanted sympathy and was having a pity party. Phaedra claims that she never tried to get sympathy. She went through a tumultuous time and then immediately tries to get sympathy by saying that only two people were there for her. Phaedra is also offended that Kandi never told her about the stuff in the garage. Cynthia says that she assumed Phaedra knew about the car in their garage and Kandi says the same. Someone asks why Phaedra wouldn’t pay Todd when she wouldn’t work for Sheree for free. She says that videos are always paid for at the end. She made a payment, Apollo went to jail and then it was abandoned. That time line is sketchier than Ayden’s conception and birth. She says she can’t sell the video as is because it needs editing and color correction.
“So now you’re too dark too? She’s always competing with me, Andy.”
Regarding the Kandi Koated Clique: Phaedra says she wouldn’t let her employees talk like that. Her employees throw out perfectly good breast milk, let her think pickle-themed photo shoots are acceptable and are paid in tasers; I’d be surprised if they could form an exclamatory sentence. Kandi says they’ve been friends for years so they’re going to go hard for her. Porsha says Don Juan just wanted screen time. No Porsha. You’re talking about your rental boyfriend Duke. Don Juan already gets plenty of screen time for being horrible to everyone everywhere. Phaedra says that Todd was talking about her to Peter at the same time and place so Kandi can’t have it both ways. Kandi says the difference is they were discussing the truth; her $30,000 story was not true. Phaedra says he’s been paid and it’s over. Andy says that he wasn’t paid as of the finale and Phaedra immediately starts with her transparent defense that he has been paid and she has the proof. Kandi cuts in and says that it was just paid last week. Kenya mutters “how convenient” along with 87% of America.
