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Hi Hi Trashies! Another soul sucking episode of “Total Divas” this week, so let’s rip the band aid off and dive into this trash.
We get a glimpse of Paige passing out on the floor due to the deliciousness of pizza grilled cheese and turns out, this is the only time we will see any of the three amigos this episode because it’s family vacation week for Ann Veal and the not wrestler.
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Paige’s storyline this week…floor pizza
We also get to join Brie and Nikki on their New York trip to see if anyone wants to help them make some sexy granola nut panties.
Mandy and Nattie are training in the Performance Center and Nattie is happy they get to do this because what better way to bond with someone before you go on a close knit vacation with half of her family tree. Nattie is nervous about how her Dad is going to behave because he’s so nuts apparently. The editors show us some clips of her Dad being “crazy” and it’s literally him being like a normal human being. Maybe it’s because he sweats a lot. . . makes everyone too uneasy.
Brie and Nikki are in New York, guesting on the Today Show and backstage, Nikki is trying to get Brie in business mode. Brie is too excited though about possibly getting pregnant soon because she had a picture made of what her and Bryan’s kid would look like and it’s thrilling her ovaries. So everyone has their priorities in line for business meetings. . .
Mandy and her family arrive in Florida and the whole Jersey Brady bunch rolls out. Mandy is concerned about her parents getting along due to the fact that they just recently divorced. She’s also hoping that they’ll get really wasted on some tequila and bang their way to reconciling.
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“Are there enough thread counts for mom and dad’s night of passion?”
Nattie and her family show up and everyone in her family is still very confused as to why they are sharing a vacation home with this girl they’ve never heard of.
Nikki and Brie are out to lunch, discussing how Daymond John, the little cutie from “Shark Tank” could end up being a potential investor in their lingerie business. Brie though, is envisioning herself hand sewing every hemp pantie by herself, but Nikki is like “that’s a dumb ass idea, you kind of have to go to design school to be able to do that.” Brie doesn’t have time for the doubt though and they head off to see if Brie can even sew a straight line.
Mandy and one of her brothers are talking about their parents potentially rekindling their flame, but they want to give the tequila some time to set in. Nattie is drawing some hearts on her family members for their team for dragon boat racing. Nattie’s Dad is rocking a sweet, old school drawn on bikini shirt and Nattie is embarrassed because he looks like he shops at the boardwalk and also because he’s being a person and that’s humiliating.
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Those t shirt titties ain’t for swimming
Dad is concerned that he is going to flip the boat and have to swim, and no one wants him to have to exert that kind of effort.
Brie and Nikki go to Mood fabric store to try and live out their “Project Runway” dreams and Brie sits down to try and sew a boy short pantie. The sales associate is like “this bitch” and asks Brie for a pattern, to which she whips out some google image she saved and printed. Nikki is like “I don’t know her, she just happens to have my face” and is just waiting for Brie to eat a dick and admit she is full of it. Brie ends up making a nice uneven pair of grey granny panties and I’m first in line for that.
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I’d like 2 dozen, all in leopard print
The families go down to see their dragon boats and Mandy’s family is bummed that they don’t have motors and now they have to use their limbs. Each team has an instructor, who ends up just yelling “faster.. harder…deeper” because what would an awkward group family vacation be without a sleazy, perverted dragon boat instructor? Nattie’s family can’t seem to sync up their paddling, so Mandy’s family sails ahead, deeply offending Nattie. She can’t understand how her elite family of former wrestlers got beat by “civilians who run a deli.” Hey, prosciutto and pepperoni technically have some protein Nattie.
Later on, Nattie’s Dad sees his wife getting a deep massage from a masseuse and is getting pretty upset because he’s feeling all around he lady lumps. Nattie is getting annoyed by him because she thinks he’s being too weird and her Mom clearly just needs some lower back love. This does nothing to settle Dad though and Nattie is afraid that he is going to end up body slamming the masseuse and it’ll end up on CNN. GURL. That shit wouldn’t even make TMZ. Sit the fuck down. Now go let your Dad yell at the random man about touching them humps.