Oh my dear sweet Mattie! You stand by your men, have a smoking body and, when not drinking, can sometimes make sense. And most importantly, you mean well…despite your batshit eruptions. And these are not just eruptions, they are nuclear explosions of guano. And tonight, we are about to go under Congress Bridge in Austin, TX after dinner.
Let’s get on with the show!
We open with Mattie and Lyle in bed, both topless. Nothing happened the night before because Lyle reasons he just got out of a relationship and hooking up with Mattie is not in his best interest. I commend him for not taking advantage of the situation. As he goes downstairs, Mattie mumbles that she should not have spent the night in his bed. Also a thoughtful reflection. I am glad at least these two lug nuts were smart enough (or luckily just drunk and passed out) not to ruin what is obviously a nice friendship.
TIME FOR A PARTY ON THE WATER! Tiffany is hungover in bed and all wrapped up in her blanket…naked. Walt and Murray come in and begin folding her mattress in half to get her up and out. She refuses. More shitty beer for everyone else! Once on a random party boat, they start filling funnels and cracking cans of Natural Light. Guys, some of you are in your 30’s- DADDY- you are too old for this piss. Murray, you should be having some Miller Ultra Light. Or maybe a Skinny Girl and Seltzer.
In addition to tasting like spit you get all the benefits of a deadly beer crap the next morning.
Lyle is on the starboard side blowing duck whistles. They pull the boat up to a sandbar where other morons are standing around drinking. Lyle thinks this is the perfect time to practice his game and sets to talking to everyone…about everything. And nothing at all. “Hi, I am Lyle, I like to drink.” That goes over like a lead balloon because some of the ladies are in their 50’s and clearly have no time for nonsense.
Walt comments that Lyle’s tactics are a bit different, and when he starts talking about food it means he is flirting. Walt thinks that his game is to confuse the women and then cut to the chase. Whatever it is, it only serves to baffle the poor woman who is clearly humoring him as he talks about shrimp. Speaking of confusing, Lyle later meets three guys who say they are from Europe. This dumbfounds our crew who overhears this important fact. BB (don’t forget, Murray is Bearded Barf. See why.) thinks Europe is a country [U-S-A! U-S-A] and Daddy says “Europe is a continent” which makes Walt laugh his ass off because he thinks it isn’t! Yes folks, give them an applause. Walt and BB have just won the “Most Likely to Vote for Donald Trump” award here on Party Down South. This show is making me feel stupid, which is why I always balance a viewing of PDS with Antique Roadshow.
Daddy sings the Continent song from childhood (I guess) but does not manage to convince BB or Walt. Daddy just wants to go back home and get drunk. His words, not mine. All of a sudden, BB is talking with some woman who was also on the boat (sly, 495 Productions, very sly) boasting about Lyle. He asks if she thinks he is cute.
This guy doing a beer bong by himself at 1:15pm on a Tuesday? Yeah, he lights my loins afire.
Now BB asks for her number to give to Beaudreaux. As the boat docks, BB tells Lyle that he got a number for him but Lyle doesnt want to call. BB sagely surmises that it is probably because of Santana that he doesnt want to call this random boat lady. JACK, IT FEELS LIKE I AM FLYING THROUGH THIS EPISODE!
Back at the house, Tiffany is upset that she wont get to see Bubba at all this weekend, or this entire vacation. Little does she know that Bubba has learned the ways of seduction. First, hang up on your woman repeatedly. Then, show up to surprise her. Romeo, you have met your match.
Hott Dogg and Mattie hatch a plot to get Bubba into Tiffany’s bed and surprise her with him in it. That is fun. Bubba pulls up in the cab and comes out wearing his glasses backwards on his neck. Mattie and HD answer the door like two slobbering puppies and quickly glide Bubba up to the love nest. Tiffany is lured upstairs and it is a sweet moment when they see one another. Bubba even has a couple roses he dug out of the front garden.
I googled “Goat Roses” and damn if it doesnt look like Bubba!
Hott Dogg and Mattie inform the crew that Bubba is here. Lauren is upset because no one told her about Bubba’s visit! Of course she makes it all about her. This is why she has no one visiting her ass. Everyone compliments Hott Dogg on her ability to keep a secret. Lauren confronts Bubba about not telling her and he teases her right back about spilling the beans when she drinks.
Walt proposes to the entire group that they do paintball tomorrow. Bubba wants a guys vs. girls so he can shoot Tiffany in the face. Cute. Daddy just wants comeuppance for losing in the Backyard Segway Olympics of 2015. Meanwhile, the nights plans are taking shape and a piano bar seems to be the destination. Daddy is happy because there are always a lot of girls at piano bars. Can’t fault his logic.
Our assemblage of Southerners makes it to the bar and gets ready to get drunk and raise hell. Tiffany can only think of getting Bubba back to the house so she can “kiss on him, smell him, love on him. My monkey gets to love on him.” Ugh. Relax Tiffany, we know you two will bone. All of a sudden, Lyle is talking arm wrestling with some random guy at the bar, betting that Daddy can beat him. Is this what Lyle’s game consists of? Challenging other dudes to arm wrestle his stronger friend? Anyway, Lyle wants to put some money on it and counts out $60 American Dollars on the bar table.
What happens next is odd- not because Daddy like leans all his weight into his arm while holding onto the table (unfair leverage) and beats the other idiot decisively but because Lyle’s $60 has disappeared. I am really confused why he left cash sitting there, who he was even betting against and where the money went. The entire thing is really strange. Lyle starts asking people about his money. Lyle is mad and is now accusing someone about stealing his dough.
Captioned grammar notwithstanding, he is really dense. Watch out for ponzi schemes!
Next thing we know, Lyle is getting kicked out of the bar. Tiffany sees the look in his eyes and says that Wild Lyle is here, but not the one she likes. She knows that when angry Lyle comes out, everyone has to go home. They put his dumb ass in a taxi and carry on with partying. Walt is talking to a girl at the bar and all of a sudden, Daddy swoops in to pick her up right out from under him. He is laying compliments on thick. She says “You are fucking sexy as fuck and I would love to get all up in that shit.” Charming. Real cunning linguist we have here. Then she introduces some guy named Josh with whom she has a kid. I guess he wants a threesome and touches Daddy’s hair? He exits to the left and goes to get a shot. I call BS on this entire interaction.
At the house, Lyle is drunkenly complaining to Bubba and Tiffany. Bubba says something smart: “You were an option but not a priority.” Facebook quote, thy name is Bubba. Aw, Lyle is crying now. Tiffany comforts him and tells him she wants him to be happy. It is a little touching but, again, Lyle is a moron. And any good will earned during this scene will evaporate come the next one.
Tiffany and Bubba go up to bed to HAVE SEX (did you know they have sexy sex sex?) INTERCOURSE. Which leaves Lyle downstairs by himself, drunk and angry. And look at that. No one using the cheeseburger. He takes off his shirt and jeans, mumbles about feeling disrespected and decides to call Santana “so she knows that I am definitely done.” This can only go well.
Just let me be for the evening. You’re drunk. Just go to bed!
Why he has to dial Santana’s number from a torn piece of notebook paper (it should be memorized) I will never know but here is how the conversation goes. It is awesome.
<burp> I’m blowing a 2.2-dreaux baby….. <barf>
<RING>
Santana: Hello
Lyle: Hey
Santana: Wasn’t expecting a call from you.
Lyle: You know what?
Santana: What?
Lyle: Fuck you.
<CLICK>
In a cutaway, Lyle is ranting about being a man and not taking her shit anymore. Yup, this is what real men do. Lyle then walks outside and starts shouting and punching signs. The rest of the crew gets home and Lyle greets them by making a half shout / cry and angrily throwing a funnel full of beer at the pool lounges. I am laughing at his misery. Walt thinks he went from Wild Lyle to Cryin’ Lyle. Walt comforts him like a good friend. They go to bed- separately- as Daddy drunkenly eats anything available in the kitchen.
The next morning, everyone gets ready for paintball. Walt puts on someone’s skinny jeans and a purple top with cowboy boots and it looks fantastic. Daddy tells him he is dressed like a Marlin. At the paintball field, they split up by gender and get ready to ready, aim, fire. Lyle takes off running right into the line of fire. The men prevail. After ONE round, they go home. What a short, weird segment.
The vacation is wrapping up quickly, and after paintball it is the last Saturday night out.
Let’s get it going, indeed!
They are pounding shots and everyone is on the prowl. Mattie is trying desperately to take a dude home. She is grinding on one guy and then flirting with another. She says, after 10 seconds of meeting one dude and noticing Tiffany smashing her ass into Bubba on the dance floor, “Why dont you take me home and do me like that?” The guy, understandably, runs away. This makes Mattie feel dejected. Martha has begun to bubble up from the inside. She grabs some dude who happens to fall into her peripheral vision and makes out with him. It is gross. He leaves and the rest of the crew makes an exec decision to get her out of the bar. She begins ranting from the backseat of the cab as everyone gets ready to nurse a headache for the remainder of the last Saturday night.