Dear Bravo, can every reunion start and end with episode 3? Please and Thank You. This episode covered and re-covered anything that was relevant this season. Let’s not waste any time; I think I hear Porsha running down 95 in Claire’s boots to beat me down.
Eight Things We Learned on the Season 8 Reunion:
Thing One: NeNe is Picking Sides
NeNe, in a jumpsuit she stole during her stint in Cirque Du Soleil, is forging a new alliance presumably called “Taj Smatall”. There’s a new, weird crew brewing and it consists of everyone who didn’t show their ass in a thong this season. NeNe didn’t feel a warm welcome from Phaedra and Porsha in Jamaica. Porsha admits there was some shade but they were happy on the inside. They didn’t realize she’d been “sneaking” around with Cynthia. Do I detect jealous big-footed step sisters? Cuz I know someone who can yell “Cinder-ella!!” obnoxiously. Porsha better watch out; NeNe will turn quicker than Chris “Bojangles” on a hot van. More on that later.
NeNe is back to her favorite pastime which is getting people fired on national television. She says that Kim Fields is not a good fit for the show. They’d be at events and Kim would take off in a cloud of dust and fine salt. NeNe is hilarious reacting to Kim’s brush offs and Kim explains that she has a morning routine.
“Bro, do you even carpool?”
This is when NeNe shines. She’s funny without being mean and making the faces only a mother of an Atlanta plastic surgeon could love.
“Your noses bought me a double wide!”
NeNe also calls out Porsha for going from kitten heels to tiger claws. She’s changed for the worse and needs to stop using RHOA as a prolonged audition tape for the UFC. Porsha is annoyed that she didn’t share her disapproval with her and announced it on WWHL instead.
“I wish you would have told me to my face…”
“…so I could have killed you.”
NeNe and Kenya are getting along. NeNe claims that Kenya always came for her but Andy disputes that. He’s had his fair share of their respective DNA splattered on his face after the reunions. They have so much in common, muses Kenya. Mommy issues, fame-whoring…it’s like they were separated at hatching. Sheree and NeNe are also getting along because their arguments were always surface; they’ve kept each other’s secrets.
“Home wrecking stripper whore.”
“Adam’s apple shaving bitch.”
Thing Two: These Breasts Were Made For Pumping
And that’s just what Kandi did 2/3 through the reunion. In a different time, these blessed globes would have been used by Kenya to squirt at Porsha.
Thing Three: It’s not Kim, it’s You
Kim’s standoffish ways are addressed. She became very friendly with Phaedra because it was very organic. In other words, it was covered in filth and will end up costing more than what it’s worth.
Thing Four: NeNe is Everything
Not in a fabulous way, in a little kid snatching his toy back way. NeNe takes umbrage at/to/with/among/from Kim’s dismissive behavior and claims that she is very organ-tic. Still not sure if she was joking or not but just in case:
Five Golden Things: Phaedra is Descartes
She couldn’t pay Todd his money because she was too busy thinking about things. She even pulls out her emails on her phone to prove it but proves nothing except that Todd was perhaps too passive in his quest to get the thousands of dollars owed him. Phaedra instead sees an assault against a befuddled and distraught Southern ding-dong.
“Joo-ly 14th, how could I think about money? My husband had just been sentenced six days before. Even though I didn’t go to court and fled the county with our children, essentially yanking his emotional support system from under him, I cared.”
“August 4th, Todd had the unmitigated gall to ask for money when I was trying to figure out which jail Apollo was headed to. I wanted to start a spinoff Federal Property Brothers.”
“October 22nd, yet another callous email! How could I pay Todd when I had to figure out if it’s macaroni and cheese or cheese and macaroni?”
Maybe Todd was simply trying to get his money before Phaedra ended up in jail too. Kandi and Todd know way more than we do.
Thing Six: Todd Has Earned His Peach
He didn’t just give Phaedra what for, he brought receipts. When Phaedra used her iPhone to read emails, so 2013, Todd pulled out paper. That’s right! Seven trees died for proof that we never even got to hear. For all we know it was the hotel receipt, but still, get your BBHMM on Todd! Phaedra’s first argument was that he never asked Apollo for the money but Todd says Phaedra always insisted that it was her project exclusively and he was only to deal with her. It’s probably because she knew Apollo was going to steal the profits. Then she says that Apollo edited the video with him. First, even if it’s true that has nothing to do with money. Second, Apollo said that’s where he was. The only editing he did was copying and pasting his name on old people’s checks.
Todd and Kandi both think Phaedra might have called the Feds. Look, Phaedra never denied it so that’s on her for trying to be coy. It’s like running around in a thong and being mad when people don’t want to hear you read the Bible. Okay it’s not like that at all but it’s in line with her general phony nature. Her defense is that if Kandi thinks she’d call the Feds on her pregnant friend, then that shows what she really thinks of her. Kandi has the same reaction I do which is “Okay.”
Todd blasts Phaedra for knowing so much about him but not knowing what her own man was doing. Then he says that she has degrees and certificates. She’s smart and she’s got the Trump University receipts to prove it! She tries to say that she’s been such a great friend and even did a favor for him when his mom died. Jackass move. Bringing his mom into it was uncalled for an a last grasp at winning the argument. This wasn’t a favor; it was a business deal. She should’ve just copped to being distracted and stressed and left it alone. Kandi says that Phaedra paid last week because she doesn’t like loose ends or Ruff Endz, hence their two hit wonder status.
Thing Seven: You can purchase Kim for $1.00 in July
That’s how much Old Navy flip-flops are, right? Despite her pronouncement that she misses class, she is now saying that she likes seeing ass. It’s great to explore different sides of ourselves even if it’s barely covered by silly string and illegal in Idaho. Andy asks if she’s a THOT and Kim replies, “you don’t know what I might do.” Two boobs, too late. The time to shock us would have been when you still had a peach and Bravo’s interest.
Thing Eight: Gay is the new African
RHOA always has a theme. They don’t do the fake illness thing but they will throw a random African into every conversation. Now, gay accusations are hurling as quickly as Tammy after a case of Heineken. The men are on set and Matt distributes roses to all of the women except Kim it appeared. Matt calls Peter Uncle Ben and while they laugh, Phaedra and Porsha say something along the lines of “that was a few years ago”. I guess they’re implying that he watched and is using Kenya or the show. Or Phaedra trademarked it and will sue him for the $8000 she just paid Todd.
Andy asks about the Chris conversation and Kenya says that it was about something that happened earlier that day. When asked to elaborate, Kenya throws it to NeNe – just like they rehearsed. Seriously, I’m loving that they strategized this whole thing. I don’t dislike Kim per se but I always liked it when NeNe and Kenya were cool. Anyway, they know Kenya can’t be the spokesperson because anything she says will be turned around but NeNe has free reign. She explains that Chris yelled at the van driver to turn down the f**king air. When NeNe asked if it was a read, he said yes. He then snapped his fingers and said “You have been read”. They’re ensuing reaction and discussion was based on that incident, not gay rumors. Although their discussion was still rude, hearing this does change the context of the conversation.
Kim tries to claim that he was mocking the women’s behavior. Andy, not content to let it go, offers another take.
Andy: He was just aping you guys!
NeNe: I’m gonna let social media enjoy that sound bite, Andy.
Andy let’s Chris speak regarding the gay stuff. In case you were wondering, Chris is 100%, definitely and without question – secure in his manhood. He is positively, beyond a shadow of a doubt – amazed at his gay friends. And he has certainly never – associated sexuality with character. So, umm yeah. Obviously he’s not required to prove or acknowledge his sexuality but it’s all pretty vague and that’s okay gosh darnit.
Chris wants to know who his and Kenya’s mutual friends are but she tells him to google it. She may have stretched the mutual friend thing but the rumors about Chris have existed. Honestly, when Kim was joining the show, the first thing I thought about was how they’d react to her husband. I’m not saying that he’s anything other than what he claims, but the word has been out even before she was back in the spotlight. Also, one of Porsha’s associates has tweeted some info about Chris’ proclivities and provided half a receipt. That being said, it wasn’t cool to discuss it on TV but it’s something that probably would come up among a group of women – organically.
When Chris presses the issue, Matt interrupts but Andy interrupts Matt. The question is never answered. Andy pushes Kenya into apologizing and she does half-heartedly. Unfortunately, it gets worse. Porsha is called out for engaging in this conversation when she had the same thing happen with Kordell. She literally exclaims “it was all Kenya” and everyone just gives up on this girl ever taking accountability for anything.
It still gets worse.
Phaedra proclaims that everyone but Gregg has been called gay. Todd says that he hasn’t. Peter says he hasn’t. They say Matt hasn’t but he’s too new for that. Cynthia says that Matt is the Hulk as if muscles keep you from being gay. I’m cringing. The two men who keep them all paid are super gay. Not the best conversation to have. Andy is ashen and shaken like he’s just seen a vagina or a man wearing socks with flip-flops. He finally cuts them off and says that they all sound gay-bashy and need to stop. Chris wraps it up in a shiny bow and says that he feels sorry for his gay friends back home who were affected by this. This is such B.S.! How good are these “gay friends” if they’ve let him and Kim dress the way they do?! They deserved what they got.
And that’s eight things I learned. But wait…
My Secrets Revealed
Porsha is a spoiled, self-entitled brat. She chased and beat down her employee and friend because she was “disrespectful”. She explains that she’s learning in anger management that it’s always someone else’s fault. Kenya had props, Cynthia chartered a small boat and Jami wore a wig that wasn’t from Porsha’s hair line.
NeNe steps in and tells her that she’s had plenty of disrespectful stuff done to her but she didn’t resort to violence. Porsha replies “didn’t you choke someone?” Unlike the previews that made it seem like she checked NeNe, NeNe immediately replies with “did you see it on camera?” She proceeds to share that even if she did it, she was smart enough not to get it on camera. The other couch is laughing along with me. Oh, classic NeNe. Please stay this way! Phaedra tries to stick up for The Porsha-nator by saying she always feels bad afterwards. Yeah, that’s like one of the first things abusive people say. Then Kim applauds her for taking a step in the right direction. Bitch, this is therapy by Bravo. She was forced to do this to keep her job and get them off the hook for litigation.