Greetings Trash-Talkers! Welcome to Thicker Than Water. This show is one of the biggest messess on television and I can’t wait to sit in disbelief that these people are even real. I confess that I did watch the first season, but somehow missed the second season. So not only am I a former fan, I will be partially clueless about what is going on! So basically I will be as about informed on the goings on of these people as Bravo advertising.
Last I saw of this family, there was a fleet of expensive yellow vehicles and a private plane that I do not believe for a minute they actually owned. I also seem to remember many speeches about how god wants them to be rich. HA. Because that’s totally a thing. I talked to the big man, Tankards, he wants ME to be rich and you to be quiet.
The last season on segment is inscrutable. Tankard Senior indicates that there have been big changes since last year. I notice immediately that none of the changes are in volume.
The child with glasses has produced a new baby, Micah. Micah’s father is maybe the surprise adult child from Tankard Senior’s past? Maybe?
This child has gotten her own place and has had a doctor remove some fat parts. Her sister is clear to tell us that she took a shortcut.
The blessed child, aka the only one the parents actually like, is back from college and heavily implied that she’s getting it. By it I mean both gentleman and drunk. But what about the creepy purity ring/marriage to her father?
Do I look like I’m rebellious enough?
Benji appears to have also moved out and created life.
Fair warning: I find these names super hard to keep straight. Mostly because these names are all basically the same, except Cyrene. Which is not so much a name as it is the French pronunciation for the noise a fire truck makes.
So off we go!
The house is labeled “Tankard Palace.” Yikes.
Tankard Senior calls his children “juveniles.” While the “juvenile” is in a striped outfit. Come on. That’s just too easy.
Hey! Only some of them turned out to be juvenile delinquents.
Jewel and Tankard Senior wish they had more babies. No. You have created enough, I think.
Cyrene seems to be slightly leveled-headed these days? After a flashback to her mother’s eating-disorder creating statement that fasting is a great method to overcome sexual tension, she shares that college has made her realize that the real world is far different than the fake world her parents live in.
I think I was raised… poorly?
Her parents made her ill-prepared for the real world. DUH. In her rebellion, she ate poorly and made her health disorder act up. Ouch. Good work parents. Micro-control her so much that she literally doesn’t know how to feed herself properly without you there.
Tankard Senior, ever the creep, thinks his daughter has turned from Hannah Montana to Miley Cyrus. Ah the old going to college a fictional character and returning an actual person trick. He needs a hobby. Preferably one that does not involve making children or swindling religious people into paying for his vehicles.
My children don’t talk to me. Do you think it’s me?
I swear I want to start drinking every time he calls his child juveniles, but my liver, she can’t take that kind of stress. Does he think he’s preparing them for smoother transition into the juvenile legal system? Or worse, does he think that he’s funny?
Marcus and wife are dedicating their baby to Jesus. They also plan to dedicate themselves to not spank the baby all the time. WHAT? 1. He’s like five months old and adorable. Why are you even thinking about hitting him? 2. I think you aren’t using the word dedicate correctly. Do you mean promise? As in “I promise you that Jesus has not answered but one of your calls and he hung up immediately when he realized who you were related to.”
Brooklyn, who has wised up and distanced herself from her insane family, announces that she is a mother WITH a child. Genius.
Brooklyn and Britney live together.
Brooklyn is becoming a singer. GASP. Someone on a reality show wants to be a singer/have an empire? What a new and dynamic storyline.
Marcus calls Brooklyn to (whine about being his surprise child complex) invite her to the baby dedication. No one wants to come to this odd excuse for film time.
This is a person who has a hair company.
Brooklyn heads to the studio to get her singing assessed. She breaks the rubber band that is supposed to help her even out her phrasing and the coach that she is paying says she sounds amazing (as long as the check clears).