If you thought there were too many reality shows about grown women bickering at dinner parties with people they barely know, Bravo clearly hasn’t been listening to you, and thank Jesus and his juice for that. Their latest installment of The Real Housewives franchise takes us to Dallas, which apparently has more to offer than oil and cowboys.
This first episode introduced us to 5 (6 technically) women who’ve clearly been watching The Real Housewives for a while, because they dug up every plot point you need to be a Real Housewives franchise, and they dumped it all into this first episode.
From playing the victim, to a plastic surgeon husband and of course there has to be a former model thrown into the mix, this introduction to The Real Housewives of Dallas was very stereotypical “Real Housewives,” and I think I kind of loved it?
Let’s discuss!
Just so we don’t forget that this show is ultimately about people who have more money than us, we’re shown some quick shots of things we can’t afford.
Healthcare
Transportation
Shoes
First we’re introduced to Brandi Redmond.
“I was a Cowboys cheerleader, but in Dallas I’m never on the sidelines.”
Brandi, who according to photographic evidence was a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, is a mother of 2, and lives in a house where the dining room table is apparently always set. Immediately I could see the editors of this show were ready to have some fun with these ladies. Brandi had been asked in her testimonial how long she’s lived in Dallas, which took a good 10 seconds to answer. Apparently math isn’t her best subject.
Oops
Brandi is married to Bryan, also a redhead, and he’s away on business 90% of the time, because he wants to be a multimillionaire by the time he hits 40. Maybe he has a secret family somewhere in the Midwest, maybe not. Who am I to speculate?
Want an insight into who Brandi is? Just listen to the story of her first proposal from Bryan.
“The first time, like I’d been in Mexico. I came home. I had the runs. Like, not cool.”
Next we’re introduced to LeeAnne “Mouth of the South” Locken.
“I grew up a carny kid. Play games with me, and you’re gonna pay.”
LeeAnne is the charity queen of Dallas, but she still has trouble opening doors properly. LeeAnne is quick to let us know that Dallas is far from a hick down, and she’s far from a southern belle. (I’m assuming that’s what she wanted her tagline to be.)
LeeAnne is giving me Ramona Singer eyes, and I still for the life of me cannot figure out what shape she is wearing around her neck.
Spring charity season is apparently the popping charity season in Dallas, and LeeAnne, according to LeeAnne, is going to be right in the center of it all. LeeAnne doesn’t write big checks, she volunteers and seems to be a connector among those in the charity circuit. LeeAnne says working the charity circuit is like a full-time job for her which lets me know that she doesn’t actually have a job, at least not one she files with the IRS.
While having this testimonial conversation about all of her charity work, LeeAnne is shopping with her “best friend” Tiffany, and they’re doing this thing that I’ve always seen done on television, but never in real life: shopping and drinking. Maybe I’m not shopping at the right places, but no one has ever offered me a glass of champagne when I walk into The Gap.
Since LeeAnne is so involved in the Dallas charity circuit and doesn’t seem to have a paying job to speak of, you might assume that LeeAnne comes from some type of wealth.
Nope. Lady grew up a carny. Apparently growing up a carny prepared LeeAnne for life in Dallas society. We’ll get to that later.
Next we’re introduced to Cary Deuber.
“I’m not a trophy wife, I’m a lifetime achievement award.”
Cary is married to a plastic surgeon. That’s all I needed to know to know that we’re finally starting to deal with some real money on this show. Cary’s husband Mark is one of the most sought after plastic surgeons in Dallas, but instead of spending his money – dramatic pause – Cary actually helps him make it. Cary is a registered nurse and assists her husband during surgeries.
Boobs By Deubs
Mark is Cary’s 3rd husband, and they met because she was essentially stalking him for a job. Another fun fact: Mark’s entire family was at Cary’s second wedding in Hawaii.
Then we’re back with Brandi who’s meeting up with her friend Stephanie. Stephanie and Brandi are the two younger additions to the cast, and they also love their wine, or as they like to call it, “Jesus Juice.”
They may drink a lot of wine, but apparently Stephanie doesn’t spend a lot of time opening wine bottles, because she almost gave herself a black eye trying to do so.
After her mishap with the wine opener, we find out that Stephanie and her husband have an agreement that since he works and she stays at home, he leaves her a list of chores to do while he’s away. Apparently this is how Stephanie “makes her money” in the marriage. I guess she isn’t into giving blowjobs?
“Equal Partnership”
Then Brandi tells us all about how ~crazy~ she and Stephanie are. She talks about farting, peeing in bushes, and then she did this:
Then we officially meet Stephanie Hollman.
“I’m the girl next door, if you live in a big ol’ mansion.”
Stephanie and her bloated husband Travis have 2 boys, and apparently really love maintaining high vitamin c levels.
I cannot imagine they’re eating all those oranges before they go bad.
Stephanie and her husband met one night when they were both hammered and made out the entire night. They live on the golf course at The Four Seasons, which Stephanie used to think consisted of spring, summer, fall and winter.
I can’t really get a good read on Stephanie and Travis’ relationship besides the fact that Travis seems like an asshole. Travis wants Stephanie to be more type a like his mother, or Betty Draper, but I don’t see that happening anytime in the near or distant future.
Next we’re at Cary’s house, and she’s setting up for a charity trunk show that will support a charity that helps woman who’ve had breast cancer afford breast implants. I feel like maybe assisting with their medical bills might be a better use of the proceeds, but do what you can I guess.
LeeAnne arrives and gives us the lowdown on how the charity world works. The more events you chair, the more powerful you will become.
Cary has the woman who started this breast reconstruction charity explain the history behind it, and LeeAnne looked absolutely horrified at the ideas of not being able to afford breast implants.
Must Suck to be Poor?
This whole episode LeeAnne had been telling us all about how much of a connector she was, and I was glad that we actually saw a little bit of that at this event. LeeAnne connected the woman who runs the breast charity to someone from Whole Foods, and I guess Whole Foods gives away 5% of their profit to charity? Even on Bravo, you learn something new everyday.
Brandi and Stephanie are also at this event, and they’re loving them some Jesus Juice, and also a couple of cocktails. If there is one thing LeeAnne is good for on this show, it is certainly her reaction faces.
Brandi and Stephanie are talking about how their bodies have changed after kids (stretched out bellies and vaginas) and then the conversation turns to farting. LeeAnne is what you might call less than impressed with their behavior.
Next we’re formally introduced to LeeAnne’s “best friend” Tiffany Hendra.
“I came home to Dallas to shine my light, not to fight.”
Tiffany is former model and actress, and is married to Keith Urban and Nick Carter’s love child.
Tiffany clearly joined this show to try and launch her husband’s music career. His voice wasn’t horrible, but his songwriting could use some work.
Next we move over to LeeAnne who is living in sin with her boyfriend who clearly has no interest in marrying her.
LeeAnne also tells us that she is basically poor. Probably richer than me, but poor compared to the rest of these ladies.
Stephanie goes over to Brandi’s house to help her pick out an outfit for, you guessed it, a charity event, and Stephanie brings up these impersonations that Brandi does of LeeAnne.
*gulp*
During an interstitial we find out that Stephanie’s son throws dog poop in their pool.
Then we head over to Marie’s house for a charity event. Marie is apparently the Dallas “friend of,” seemingly because she appears to be rich, but a little boring.
The main drama of this event was that LeeAnne heard about Brandi’s impersonations, and she wasn’t really too pleased about it.
Jesus/Drama Juice
Tiffany, who appears to be LeeAnne’s lap dog, walks over to Brandi and tries to get her to do the impressions, which to be honest I didn’t think were that offensive.
Nah.
Do it or she’ll kill me.
This interaction eventually leads to LeeAnne and Brandi having a sit down in the living room, in the middle of a charity event.
Let me just let you all out there know that putting your hand on someone’s knee like that either means you’re trying to fuck them or belittle them. LeeAnne was doing the latter (I think?).
Brandi thinks that LeeAnne is a bit self involved, and brings up an example from an AIDS charity event where LeeAnne talked all about her life and her experiences, AIDS not being one of those experiences. Brandi definitely chose the wrong group of words when she said she “felt bad” for LeeAnne. This set off the fire in LeeAnne, and there was no way for Brandi to turn back now.
My favorite part of this scene was the audience that was slowly building, and not even trying to be inconspicuous.
This season, LeeAnne hits the camera at some point.
That is all I care about. Nothing else matters.
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