Welcome back to Thicker than Water, Trashies! And speaking of trashy… let’s jump into this insane show. The eldest daughters have escaped the house. The father calls his children juveniles, either to reflect their brothel-having pasts or make a prediction about their future interactions with law enforcement. And the youngest child went to college nice and innocent (which I never really bought) and came back bragging about sex and booze and landing herself in the hospital. Reminder: This is a very serious, religious, up-standing, “religious,” and church-owning family. I remind you, because it is often something I legitimately forget when I watch this show.
Last week’s cliffhanger was: Cyrene ate cake. THE HOROR.
Cyrene does have a condition that requires her to be gluten free, but the girl likes her cake.
I like cake.
I also like to give side-eye while I drink.
Next, Father Senior hold Marcus up like Simba
Brooklyn’s child is getting boobs. Everyone caught up on that? At least she isn’t getting a brothel (and no, I will never ever let the brothel jokes go. They are like my air.)
Marcus made an excellent child.
Marcus thinks that the whole damn family ganging up on Cyrene will probably not make her behavior better or pry her hands off the cake. She needs to make decisions for herself. Marcus has landed himself in the reality television position of being far too logical for me to believe. I am too jaded to think that Ben Tankard produced a logical child, so I am forced to believe that Marcus is acting for the cameras.
Evidence, Exhibit A
Sidenote: I love how this family talks. “Fellowship” to Marcus means a fight. “Juveniles” to Ben means all of my children, be they felons or just regular children.
Brooklyn jokes about her family home being prison and likens it to a constant investigation. I trust her. She has experienced both of those things. From the brothel.
We don’t do Cs, in grades or boobs.
Brooklyn identifies an issue that I have with this family. They are obsessed with Cyrene. It’s like she’s the only child that Ben actually raised and thus she is the only one that matters. Marcus aptly described the rest of the children as merely “extras.” I KNEW IT. They are just pulling extras from general casting every time the family gets boring and another child needs to come out of the woodwork. From the mouths of babes!
Cyrene hates her father for snitching.
Cyrene’s back-sass and sudden personality is amazing. Because it is like all of the teenager rebellion years combined into one moment of teenage anger.
I’m grown up. Okay, DAD?
Spending time with my child…
Marcus is cooking because no on else in the house seems to know how to feed themselves successfully. He wants his baby in the nursery so that he can have romantic marital time with his wife. Gross. Ben compares a man to a crockpot that his wife will curl up next to. GROSS. Also- women do not snuggle kitchen appliances, but imagine how many more children Ben Tankard would have if his sexual knowledge were more comprehensive than that.
Marcus wants to leave the nest and start his own church/salary.
That Pastor Shorts to you, sir!
Marcus’s idea of a church is a rock concert with expensive lighting. He is a Tankard after all!
Cyrene is packing up to head back to Howard University for education binge drinking. Her first priority is to get her mom off her back, then booze, then try to eat okay, then booze, then weed maybe, then getting “lit,” then take a class.
Why did I have so many children?
You cost me so much money!
The kid had a $40,000 party. (Sign me up!)
Jewell wants Cyrene to not smoke or drink at all. This seriously conflicts with Cyrene’s plan to drink and smoke everything always. Cyrene counters by asking if Jewell regrets having children.
Full of sass.
My second favorite/least favorite thing about this family is that every time they move, it is exaggerated for the cameras. Instead of speaking in sound bites, they move in GIFs.
Marcus runs Brooklyn through some scales. Musical scales, that is. It’s not good. Also Marcus has a loose grip on where air goes when you breathe.
Ben takes Cyrene to the salon for massages. Ben reacts in a totally normal way:
Cyrene has her daddy around her finger. She talks all kinds of crap and Ben reminds her that because Jewell actually gave birth to Cyrene, she will be getting the brunt of parenting.
Ben tells Jewell to step back a bit and be more of a friend to Cyrene while she is in college. Jewell hears everything, but instead decides to not hear anything and drag the girls on a trip to Detroit. Terrible Spring Break ’15?!
