A lot is going to have to happen on this season finale of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills to make it worth our time. I’m doubtful, but even the most horrible human beings have a shred of hope and I am no different. My prayer is that Vanderpump manipulates Rinna into assassinating the Queen of England or thinking she’s the President. Fingers crossed.
This message goes out to Putin: OWN IT, BABY!
Kyle is getting ready for the finale party at her home bought with “YOU STOLE MY HOUSE!” money in Palm Springs. More specifically, La Quinta. Kyle being proud of living in a hood that shares the same name of a cheap motel is fitting, especially when she can’t ever seem to get in the good graces of a Hilton.
Her tiny Not Giggy runs around to find something to piss on while Kyle reminds us that the Lisas hate each other. She doesn’t mention it’s because of shit she started and then ran from, but that’s our girl. I hate a lot about Kyle, but she’s consistently awful, which gives me something to look forward to every week. So…thanks?
“I hope they can put on their big girl panties.” And if not, Kyle can loan them a pair at least two sizes smaller than their real ones to make them feel really uncomfortable and future thin.
Kyle’s purse dog is young, fresh, and energetic. Also not popular on the internet. Cut to the real star.
I don’t know how I’m still alive, either, but I still get a paycheck so suck it.
Ken, the Flesh Roomba, is buzzing aimlessly around the backyard while playing with his future Spring Perm wig.
Vanderpump tries to get the dog to convince the neighbor dogs that Yolanda has Munchausen, but before he can run off, Karma slams down from the skies and crushes Lisa right there in her chair.
Do you know how much Ken and I have done for Karma, dahling?
Eileen is in her 80’s kitchen trying to get Vince off online poker long enough to tell him about the Vanderpump beheading in Dubai. He “uh-huh”s her in his disarming way and waits for her to turn away from him so he can grab the wallet out of her purse.
Kathryn is telling Donnie that she didn’t buy anything in Dubai. Before he can say “Good because we haven’t had a working credit card since I played football”, she warns him that on their European vacation off camera, she’s gonna spend a ton of mon! Dahling, no need to bs us. Poor people are people too. Just enjoy your happy meal, your non working child groom, and lots of sex. It’s free. Pat on head.
Rinna is back to her real life, too. Harry Hamlin is hiding somewhere in embarrassment and her kids are making toast at their jobs, so she calls the only other friend she seems to have: her teenage gaygent. He’s got big plans, baby! HUGE! Besides puberty. A talk show!
Rinna will have on guests, listen to their stories, then twist them and throw them back in the guest’s face. Sort of a Point/Counterpoint format, but she’ll be arguing with herself. The twist is, she’ll be yelling and doing odd dances to convince the audience and then Eileen will press a button that sends an electric shock to her thigh and she’ll change it all up. Sounds doable.
Gaygent wants to call the show Rinna Unfiltered, but she doesn’t like that. It makes people think of dirty tap water. He is pretty insistent, but she laughs maniacally that that idea only gets one star. She won’t say why, because she doesn’t want her tires slashed, and it’s sad her gaygent is so dumb he doesn’t know already.
SORRY! Vanderpump manipulated my gaygent into stealing your show’s name.
Erika meets up with Yolanda to pretend they’re friends. “Dubai, well, you know how they do things.”
Ya. Eed wass da firz time I led a dongey pee pee on me ad a pardy and den made rend. Gread townz.
Erika tells her about the fight on the beach. Yolanda is confused, which is standard. Are day steel zaying da Munchie? NO! Now they’re trying to figure out who first said it. Rinna was blaming Vanderpump and even went as far as to yell “You’re a liar!”
Yo looks like she went on Da Prize is Righd and found a legitimate deadly disease diagnosis behind door number three.
Did Ken beat up Rinna after?
Cut to Villa Rosa. Lisa is retelling the story with that confused look she gets when she can’t remember where she is on her list of shit she’s done for people.
I bought all plastic champagne flutes to invite Rinna over to parties and keep everyone safe. How COULD she? Was that number 87 or 77?
Vanderpump is one of my all time faves, but I’ve never doubted that she’s a shady lady. Why the hell else would she build a cemetery in her backyard? I suspect Cedric the Leech is under one of those tombstones getting pissed on by midget donkey horses ever day for eternity.
