Hi, Trashiis! It’s been a little while since my last Fuller House recap. Now that I’m doing both Fuller House and Teen Mom 2, I’m trying to get my writing schedule in order. Also, I needed a small break from this show, if I’m being completely honest. Anyway, what zany situations did the most boring and self-centered family on television get itself into this week? Let’s get to the recap!
We open with Stephanie singing Old McDonald Had a Farm while Max horrendously plays trombone. Seriously, I thought the screaming was bad enough, but his trombone playing makes me miss his loud line delivery. Max is nervous because playing Old McDonald could make or break second grade. Stephanie decides to give Max her “magic scarf” that she wears to make her feel brave during her sets. I’m sure the secret to the magic lies in the six tequila shots she has before each show, not the scarf so much. Max asks her to put it away for safekeeping, because I’m sure that’s not going to blow up in his face at all.
Max should reconsider playing the trombone or music or making sounds in general.
DJ comes home after walking the new puppy, which she points she is doing everything for even though he belongs to Max. Yeah, I don’t feel too bad because you’re the parent, so you could have just said no, and you’re also a vet, so in theory you like animals. Kimmy announces that she has started an online dating profile for DJ and it’s already getting a ton of attention. She mentions “pokes,” which was already a dated Facebook reference at the time it came out of Kimmy’s mouth. DJ says she’s not into online dating right now. She turned Steve down, so she’s definitely not looking to date a total stranger. Kimmy says her motto is “the stranger, the better,” which has to be the most in-character line ever written for her. DJ notices that Kimmy’s exaggerated her profile, claiming she’s a neurosurgeon/Victoria’s Secret model and photoshopping her yearbook photo with Channing Tatum’s butt. I mean, surely Kimmy has another more recent photo of DJ that she could do the same to? Who wants to date 17-year-old DJ with huge boobs?
Is Kimmy making DJ’s online dating profile or looking at porn? You decide!
Meanwhile, Stephanie is feeding the baby. Jackson lets in a guest, who is a British friend of Stephanie’s. She is dressed in the most ridiculous outfit I have ever seen on a television show, and I watch Dance Moms, y’all. It’s some kind of cutoff bustier with a fringed miniskirt. Add the United Kingdom to the long list of countries that this show owes a public apology to. Stephanie’s friend came to rescue her after she saw Stephanie’s domestic life on her Facebook page. Are these people getting paid by Facebook for each mention? They have referenced it in practically every episode so far. Stephanie’s friend, whose name I missed and I will be calling Gemma from now on, invites Stephanie to Coachella. She says she has two seats on someone’s private jet. Stephanie declines, claiming that it’s Mommy and Me Face Painting day. Gemma is rightfully concerned that Stephanie must be part of a cult. Stephanie starts thinking about the number of group hugs she is in daily, and realizes (29 years too late) that she is in a cult.
Stephanie has her bag packed and is ready to head out with Gemma, and I spy with my little eye the magic scarf. Guess what’s going to happen, you guize! Stephanie starts giving DJ instructions, and she smugly replies that she’s the mom so basically STFU Stephanie. Stephanie feels guilty about leaving for a hot second, but DJ reassures her that they’ve got her covered. She tells Stephanie she’s jealous of her going to Coachella and attempts to raise the roof while sounding like a train. Stephanie tells her to “put the roof down,” which is probably the fifth actually funny line so far in this show. That averages out to about one per episode. I’m so proud of you, Fuller House. Kimmy and Ramona walk in with food and drinks from inside the limo Gemma arrived in. They’ve even stolen the ice bucket. Gemma makes an awfully inappropriate joke about Stephanie “living with gypsies,” (which, by the way, the audience laughs uproariously at), and it totally cancels out Stephanie’s half-decent joke from earlier in this scene.
Kimmy and Ramona would be good contestants on The Price is Right
DJ starts listing out all the things she has to do and asks Kimmy if she’ll watch the baby. Kimmy has a mysterious meeting, which I get the feeling means that she’s just not interested in changing diapers, so she offers up Ramona instead. DJ offers to pay her, and Kimmy whips out a square attached to her cell phone. That must have been really uncomfortable in her pocket. Meanwhile, Max asks his brother where Stephanie is, and is horrified to learn she left town with the magic scarf. It’s okay, Max, just drink the tequila, and you’ll be good to go. His recital is that night, and he has a meltdown. If you thought he screamed before, get ready for this. My ears are bleeding. Jackson walks Max through some relaxation techniques, and when he suggests picturing the audience in their underwear, Max kicks him out of the room. Before leaving, Jackson jokes about the time he ran for class treasurer, saying he picture all the girls in their underwear and forgot his speech. This is pretty sexual for the Fuller House kids to be joking about, don’t you think? Did they have Bob Saget write this episode or something?
Max plays dead to try to escape the show. It doesn’t work.
Ramona is vlogging about babysitting in what looks like the bathroom. She attempts to change the baby’s diaper without looking and then purposefully flushes the diaper down the toilet. I guess we found the B-plot of this episode. We cut to Max practicing his shitty trombone, and the puppy is inexplicably wearing boxers. DJ comes in and asks what happened and apparently, Max understood imagining people in their underwear to mean playing in front of people/animals in their underwear. And that’s the end of the scene. I’m so glad we wasted 2 out of the 27 minutes of this episode on this. I feel like someone watched a Youtube video of and underwear-wearing dog and thought it would be a great addition to the show.
In case you thought I was exaggerating.
Kimmy brings a dude in a short, tight shirt into the house, having pre-screened him to date DJ. I’m serious about the shirt. It looks like he’s wearing one of Kimmy’s t-shirts. They make some horribly awkward small talk, and Kimmy goes to fetch DJ. In the kitchen, DJ is yelling at customer service over the phone, complaining that the plumber hasn’t arrived yet. She walks in the living room and finds her potential suitor. She thinks he’s the plumber, so she invites him upstairs to… work on her pipes, which she wishes she could do herself.
Who did Tyler piss off in wardrobe to deserve this shirt?
I hate these kinds of switcheroos in sitcoms, and watching DJ drop sexual innuendo makes it even worse. Tyler, the date, gets super excited. He tells DJ he can get in an out in 15 minutes. Barf. They discuss whether it’s going to be in the shower or on the toilet, and he thinks she’s into roleplay. Thankfully, the actual plumber shows up and we are spared anymore of this awkwardness. They sort it all out, and Kimmy flirts with the plumber. Ramona is in the baby’s room trying to hypnotize him to sleep. He seems to just get more excited the more the necklace swings. Kimmy walks in and tells her hypnosis isn’t real, like the time with the magician on the cruise. Ramona says “Houseboat,” which causes Kimmy to start clucking like a chicken. Another gigantic waste of time on an already bloated episode.
Sure, now that we see the plumber, it’s totally understandable that DJ would be confused.
We get a millisecond flash of a crowd, which I guess is our signal that we are at Coachella. Stephanie is having a great time. She tells Gemma that Iggy Azalea gave her one of her hair extensions for helping her find a contact lens. Gemma has great news for Stephanie: one of the DJs went crowdsurfing and broke his arm. I’m starting to think Gemma is evil. Apparently this means that Stephanie will now be filling in for him. Um, no. What the actual fuck?! This is not what happens. If someone in the lineup of fucking Coachella, which takes months to solidify, has to drop out at the last minute, they’re not finding anyone to fill in during that time. They’re going to push that schedule up or move time slots around. They’re definitely not going to look around in the audience for a 3rd rate DJ nobody gives a shit about. This fucking show, man.
Iggy Azalea declined to be featured on the show.
At Max’s recital, he decides he’s not playing. Good. Nobody deserves to hear that shit. Can’t DJ put this kid in the science fair or something? Clearly music is not for him. Jackson asks him to use the underwear trick, but Max says no, because the audience is full of old people. Well, fuck you, too, Max. Jackson jokes about granny panties in front of his mother, but DJ doesn’t seem to care. DJ grabs her phone, and we cut to Stephanie “DJing”, which really is just her dancing in front of two laptops. Hey guys, I’m a DJ, too. I think that’s how it works, right? You have a computer and just tell people you’re a DJ, and people invite you to play at Coachella? Stephanie gets a call from DJ, which she fucking picks up in the middle of her set. HAHAHAHAHAHA. As if this whole scenario wasn’t unbelievable enough.
Can somebody please explain the purpose of the go-go dancers?
DJ tells Stephanie she took Max’s magic scarf. Okay, it was stupid of Stephanie to pump him up with false hope over a scarf, but DJ needs to tell her kid to suck it up. This is not about the scarf, it’s about Max’s inability to deal with his nervousness (and play the trombone, let’s be honest). Just give him a Tanner pep talk and be done with this. There is no reason to interrupt Stephanie over it. Stephanie tells Max she can transfer the magic of the scarf over the phone. He tells her that’s a dumb idea, so Stephanie gives up and says he doesn’t really need the scarf. She tells him to start playing and she will prove it to him. She connects her phone to her laptop, so that all the crowd can hear and see now is Max’s terribad playing. C’mon, Fuller House. Can we just get a sliver of reality here?
So… this happened.
To make matters worse, Stephanie get the crowd to start chanting Max’s name, and tells him he just “played Coachella,” which as a seven-year-old, I’m sure he fully understands. She finishes her set by mixing Max’s trombone into generic electronic music. Fuck me. After the set, Gemma tells Stephanie the dude they flew in with liked it so much, he’s taking them to Italy. Stephanie checks her phone to see how the recital went, but Gemma is not having it and snatches the phone.
Whooooo! We paid hundreds of dollars to watch DJ Nobody and a second grader!
Later that night, Ramona is asleep while she’s supposed to be watching the baby. DJ walks in and grabs him, which scares Ramona when she wakes up. DJ asks her if she knows anything about the plumbing problems they had earlier, and she blames it on Tommy. Kimmy walks downstairs with the plumber, and they’re about to head out for coffee. I’m sorry, I thought Kimmy couldn’t watch the baby because she had a meeting. Also, was she fucking the plumber while her 12-year-old daughter was watching the baby downstairs? Later, DJ puts the baby down, and in walks Stephanie. She made the guy turn his private jet around so that she could be with her boring ass family. All the other Coachella goers on the jet were too drunk and stupid for Stephanie’s taste, and she felt bad after missing Max’s recital.