Last week, Bethenny and Ramona talked really fast. Carole talked really slow. Dorinda talked about John. Luann and Sonja talked about railroad fellatios. Jules talked to her kids but they didn’t listen. All caught up? Great, because there’s more talking on the way.
Jules is making breakfast for the camera and technically, her husband. You could see Michael trying not to smirk as he played along with this fake morning routine.
“Oh my God! This feels so poor.”
Breakfast in their home means eggs for the husband and cocaine-covered, wax fruit for the kids. She announces to Michael that his eggs only have one yolk and two whites. That R2d2 comment hit them pretty hard.
Jules suffers from 1960s ‘housewife who can’t make coffee’ syndrome. Was their housekeeper on strike or something? Clearly they never do this and it was awkward watching them lose their breakfast virginity. She goes upstairs and asks him to save her some eggs so when she doesn’t eat she can say it’s his fault.
She wants her kids to see her as soon as they open their eyes in the morning. She wakes them up, turns sideways, disappears and then turns back around.
“My kids insist on a magic show every morning.”
The kids want to jacuzzi in the morning so naturally, they’re allowed to do what they want instead of having sense, logic and boundaries applied. Is this a thing, parents? Do kids bathe in the morning? Cuz I feel like a prisoner in Gitmo would be given that as a chore and they’d be like, “can we talk more about waterboarding?” Michael is proud of the fact that he drops Jagger off at school every morning. It’s mostly because he knows his kid is there and not stealing popsicles from Whole Foods. Jules, on the other hand, drops Rio off late everyday but reasons that the private school won’t kick them out because they want their money. Life lesson #2: Rich people don’t actually know how to tell time. They wear watches to blind the poor.
Bethenny goes jewelry shopping with Dorinda to celebrate a big birthday. Hint, it’s the one where she isn’t divorced for the 4th consecutive year. She’s having a tailgate bbq and does the logical thing by inviting the jewelers. I swear this woman just invites people that she pays to everything. They start talking about the trip and how Ramona doesn’t like John. Dorinda says he has a good heart and doesn’t have a bad bone. 4 out of 5 physicians disagree and have we verified that he actually has bones? Oh and they have great sex. Bethenny tells her to stop trying to push him. Also, stop trying to push her lunch up her throat with this information. This is more than any of us needed to know.
Carole arrives and says Ramona did not take a breath once during the lunch they had and we get flashbacks of last week. Already. Dorinda defends Ramona as a good friend with good intentions who’s never burned her. Fore, meet shadowing. In case you still have some lunch left, Dorinda “Nairs” John’s back hair. Bethenny flips out over this.
“Why don’t you grind down blood diamonds and sand it off like normal people?”
Sonja is enjoying Luann’s company. Luann is too; until she gets her half of the electric bill. Sonja and Ramona haven’t been spending a lot of time together but Ramona recently said she needs her and misses her. Luann has seen Bethenny a lot when Carole isn’t pulling her away. Luann claims that she’s over the Adam issue but they’re never going to be friends. They both feel like Dorinda should be with John if he makes her happy and we learn that Sonja burns sage to ward of demons and creditors.
Sonja: Hold the glass with both hands. The stem is taped on.
Dorinda visits Ramona and all of Mario’s stuff is out of the place except one self-portrait.
The apartment reflects Ramona; it’s bright, airy and gets lots of “sunshine”. Both of their daughters are in college and on their way out of the house, or so Dorinda hopes. She needs a transition period without Hannah or John living with her but he’s eager to move in, Dryel and all. Meanwhile, Ramona’s bright, airy sun-filled apartment has them baking like Cheech and Chong so they sit on the air vent.
Carole and Bethenny catch up and meet for lunch. Carole and Adam have been together a year. She’s happy but knows he wants kids and he deserves it. Whether they stay together or not, Adam will be changing someone’s diapers in the next decade.
As far as Luann, Carole doesn’t like what she’s said about her and thinks she’s a bad person. Bethenny says Luann was harassing her this summer about attending events and with Luann, there are strings attached to everything. Luann even sent Bethenny a text warning her not to be uncool. She texted a catchphrase which is distinctly – uncool.