D-Listed – Cry Me A River
Former N*Sync kewtie Lance Bass admitted on the Khloe Kardashian Cirkle Jerk Hour (aka Kocktails with Khloe) that he wasn’t invited to the $6.5 million celebration of merged assets between Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel. Instead, he and JC Chasez sat at home, played Settlers of Catan for three hours, then cuddled on the couch while they drifted between sleep and slow, sensual sex.
TMZ – Strippers, Coke, and a Little Bit’a Chicken Fried
Zac Brown, who likes drinking peach wine out of mason jars and singin’ about shady trees, was busted in a Palm Beach hotel room riddled with strippers, weed, cocaine, and condoms (at least they were being safe!). The cops denied that Zac was involved because they were so “starstruck” they can’t be bothered to do their fucking jobs. Or, ya know, because Zac’s a white man and not a black kid who walks ominously.
Wonderwall – Good News for All You Fellas That Like Crazy Bitches
Glittery rash Miley Cyrus is NOT reengaged to Liam Hemsworth, who scrawled this headline on every billboard in Los Angeles, began a Facebook ad campaign, took out a double-page spread in the Wall Street journal, submitted four press releases to Business Wire, changed his middle name to Notmileysfiance, and placed a prolonged restraining order on any tabloid reporter who claims otherwise. Repeat: MILEY AND LIAM ARE NOT AN ITEM.
E! – Hey Guys Remember When I Was Married Remember That
Cashmere moonchild Gwenyth Paltrow claims that listening to ex Chris Martin’s music helped her cope with her dad. Related: Gwyneth and Chris are literally the most annoying divorced couple ever. Gwyneth and Chris talk more often and more fondly about each other than actual people in happy relationships. Shut the fuck up and just bone in your thousand dollar sheets, guys! GOD.
Us – La La La I Can’t Hear You
Hey gurl. That bitch who stole your boyfriend, Eva Mendes, is pregnant with his second child. I hope she gets really fat and boring and he runs away to have sex with me in his Escalade behind a Chick-fil-A. Wouldn’t that be something.
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