Hello everyone!!
I have emerged from my Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt binge (best B-day gift ever) to finally recap some Survivor!!! Last time on Survivor, the producers attempted to convince us that AssTat and AssPole actually had hearts… and FAILED. Debbie vultured around. Tai was an idiot at Tribal Council and Nick had a mountain of karma land on him and sent his pretty ass to the group of people that now are only seen and not heard (thankfully)
After tribal, the Survivortettes return to the island and AssPole is freaking out a bit. But not as much as Keymaster Tai who not only blew up the Super Idol (ugh that name) and then turned around and voted for AssTat. He pretends he voted for Debbie… and continues to woo the Douche-bregade into not being mad at him. Then bitter AssPole decides, you know what would be a good idea to get us all votes to win this game in the end?
How to Lose Survivor For Dummies
Keymaster finally sees the light and realizes that Douches-R-Us might not be the kind of people he wants to associate with. Just now you are figuring this out??? I feel like he is way smarter than that.
The next morning….
Oh hey Joe, where did you come from? The ultimate saboutage cockblock
Douches-R-Us manage to find the machete and distract Joe with Werthers Originals and Peppermint candies so that they can hide it in a random field somewhere. If only this was the Lost island and a wild polar bear was there to maul them.
Debbie wakes up the next morning and is pretty happy that the ladies pulled the rug out from Douches-r-us. However, they have decided to act like 12 year old girls and act out. Debbie asks AssTat to hold a bottle so she can fill it with water for her to drink and this happens
Oooooh I would have smacked him down so hard
Assassin Michele is none too pleased with the missing machete
The Lady Bregade get together and come up with a new way to open coconuts with a saw and simultaneously relieve anger
Just look at that look of defeat on AssPole’s face
Aaaaaaaand then this happens. REALLLLY RIGHT NOW???
Like what the actual fuck is going on? I cannot believe this is actually happening. I think a 12 year old girl may actually be more mature than this guy. And he was on a pro sports team? How did anyone put up with him?
Once again, the ladies (and Joe) fix the stupid immature problems Prissy Spacek (which I shall name be calling him, Lurch and AssPole just don’t seem appropriate anymore after this shenanigans) started. Prissy Spacek tells Keymaster he will just keep putting it out over and over.
Reward challenge time. However, before we get to anything, Jeff has some producer fed questions for the Survivorettes just to stir up more shit. Jeffy asks Aubry if the blindside has caused any fallouts at camp.
DUUUUUUHHHHHHHH
So for the challenge, the ghosts of what use to be normal thinking people will be divided into two teams. They will then have to “work together” (yes… Jeffy threw a bunch of shade and over emphasized this and I died laughing) to untie a giant braid thing that they are all attached to. Then they have to play carnival games or something. IDK I don’t particularly care
The kicker, they are playing for Chinese Takeout delivered to camp so one again the losers have to face their defeat in person. Bwahahaha. Also, I feel that this has the potential to be offensive if it’s American Chinese Takeout. Especially since they are in China. We shall see.
Because Generals So’s Chicken is sooooooooooo authentic
Jeffy once again stirs the pot by saying they can either choose teams or do a school yard pick. But someone has to sit out. The group starts deliberating and Joe is quick to sit out. No discussion awwww. Prissy Spacek then says one of the girls needs to be on team Temper Tantrum and surprisingly Beige Julia says she will do it in like 2 seconds
Say whaaaaaa?
Beige Julia interviews that pulling in the Temper Tantrum Twins is going to be beneficial for her game. It’s time for her to start making the moves. Look who is shower some colors.
The challenge itself is fairly uneventful. The lady folk are pretty behind most of the challenge. However, Debbie used to be a professional Carnie and almost manages to catch up during the second part of the challenge
I was also on the Olympic Softball Team duh
So the boys and Julia win and Aubry is quick to interview that she can see Julia is playing both sides and is ready to do something about it.