Oh my god, Trashcrabs. I can’t. I’m so tired. We’re so close. I’m dying to be done with this. There’s so much I want to wash myself of. Would you mind terribly if we skipped the foreplay this evening? I just need to feel you. Our shared experience. And I want to be numb. I need you to hold me and tell me nothing matters. I need to lose myself in your scent. I guess I just need to be done.
So let’s get on with our wretched errand, and let’s talk – once and for all – of the dread Real Housewives of Potomac. Wrap your arms around me, close your eyes, and think of sweet Maryland: her heron claimed shores and her hilly, green mediocrity. Her weedy Chesapeake, thick with black mud and the precious balance of life therein. Her gray, rocky panhandle and the buzzing junctions of her throbbing Interstate veins. Her center ripe with feral, gnashing Housewives, now laid exposed and raw and steaming on a field of carnage and war. That, fair reader, is where we finally join.
The Race is (Still) On
We open this episode on the same tired race tantrum as we left the last one. Robyn, who’s finally decided to open her mouth on this show at the reunion (which, to be fair, is a very good place to start), is screaming herself hoarse at Katie. Katie was offended that Robyn wanted to know how her kids identified racially and Andy is realizing that his audience is swiftly losing interest. So he intervenes on Robyn’s behalf, saying the same exact words but in a calmer tone, “Katie, Robyn didn’t mean to offend you.” Picking up on his silent cue to move the fuck on, Katie appears to magically drop her fight against Robyn…
… and merely deflect it back on Gizelle. Gizelle shrugs her shoulders and tries to say something, but it’s useless. Katie’s on another tangent of rehearsed soundbites that she thinks sound rational and deep-seeded. Gizelle just sits back and is like
Ashley thinks it’s ironic that the two women who care the most about being black are also the two women who most strongly embrace “European features.” Citing both Nene Leakes and Mary J. Blige (other black women who’ve dared to dye their hair), Robyn demands that Ashley “come at them harder.” OK, she says, she also thought that wondering whether a man assaulting another man on a dance floor was a “white thing” presented a loaded question. I don’t know if she means the question is homophobic (which it’s not) or racist against white people (which it’s not, and which is hardly possible), but obviously Robyn’s question about Michael and Andrew was a rhetorical observation about how inappropriate the whole situation was.
This whole conflict just TICKLES Katie, by the way, who closes the door on the conversation deliciously because “she got it all out.”
Eddie, the Room’s Elephant
We ran through a brief montage of Charrisse’s feelings for her phantom husband and Andy asks her how things are going. It’s basically an orchestra of IUNNOs and WHATEVERs and apathetic shrugs, but to summarize: Charrisse would never file for divorce, but the two of them barely enjoy a relationship beyond co-parenting. Eddie lost his coaching job at Rutgers and doesn’t give a fuckall about where he finds his next one (least of all if it’s near Potomac).
Gizelle brings up the fact that Charrisse has been sending “stank” text messages to the group, warning them not to spread lies about her marriage for the sake of being relevant (whatever that means). Charrisse doesn’t really remember those texts, but then she doesn’t really remember a lot of stuff.
Instead, she accuses Gizelle of putting too much of her life on television – or in another words, slut shames Gizelle. She also accuses her of failing to ask or care about Eddie (immediately after insisting they shouldn’t talk about him on camera…?).
Charrisse Jackson-Jordan is The Best: Part II
Charrisse believes her biggest ally on the stage is Katie, and remembers a phone call from Karen claiming to stay away from her since Karen didn’t want to be seen with Charrisse in public and called herself “the star of the show.” I know Charrisse lives her life in a drunk fever dream, but this stuff about Karen is something I actually believe.
Charrisse says that she decided to do the show because she’s been through a lot in her life and wanted to share it with the viewers. So I guess that explains all that raw gravitas like learning how to doggie paddle and taking pictures in various pieces of negligée while the kids look on. But in all seriousness, Charrisse admits to emotional breakdowns during filming and has collected herself remarkably for this reunion.
By the way, Charrisse’s word of the week is “pedigree,” which she once heard Gizelle say.