Welcome to the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion, or as I like to call it: Hagchella, a month long festival of hags making up stupid nonsensical shit to fight about for airtime!
This past week, Bravo has given us a fight involving a housewife pooping herself in a hotel lobby (RHOPotomac), and a poop obsessed housewife making a poop hat (RHODallas). As with celebrity deaths, arguments about poop should come in threes.
This might not be the best week for a reunion on white couches.
I’m not the kind of fagito to really care about what people wear, as I’m currently in hole ridden undies from Old Navy and Crocks with socks, but I know some of you care so lets just do a quick rundown.
A. This look cost over a decade of helicoptering Don Rickle’s peen.
B. Semi transparent and confusing, like its owner. It was a whole dress, but Lyme is slowly eating it all away.
C. Horizontal stripes, vertical stripes, and a bra that fits. Hideous, but thanks for not wearing a goal size bra. The iPhone is already at her side, so prepare for some good ole Real Housewives iEvidence wars.
D. Nothing like covering yourself with a giant Duracell battery when you have to say “DAHLING, I never meant to insist you were a slut for stealing someone else’s husband. I’m missing a pillow. Did Eileen steal it? Or is she calling it ‘sharing’ today?” all day for eighteen hours or some shit.
E. The (Poor) People’s Couch. Congrats on the product placement, Dillard’s!
Andy’s opening hellos, otherwise known as Andy’s chance to ask people about their implants. I’m proud of him for making it Kyle and not Yolanda (although I’m sure that’s coming at some point. The ex boob is in talks for a spinoff). He tells Yo she looks well, which she takes as a compliment. That’s literally never happened. “I’m here! I’m nod leaveen!” We all know that’s a damn lie.
Erika has a super furious face on while everyone else says hi, which is hilarious to me. She’s SO MAD you guys. Remember when all those people did nothing to her? She’s gonna try to make a splash today to get a second season and keep her “Run From Rickles” private savings account growing. It’s all fun and planes until you suffocate under a flesh tent made of anger, Old Spice and green bean fart. Obit: She died as she lived: under an senior. #SaveaHo
The first question is from some idiot who obviously doesn’t care about the LymePlight. Why are we talking about the mini donkey horse? That shit was put down after Vanderpump refused to buy its wonky lame ass. Survival of the straightest legged, midget donkey! RIP
Kathryn’s in trouble cuz some poor person in God knows where is mad that she gave Eileen shit about her terrible fashion sense. “What’s wrong with Target?” Kathryn’s wearing Target at this very moment, so this question is bs. This is reunion is gonna get better, right?
After Kyle tries explaining how she’s not a douchebag for trying to make people think she’d pay 75,000 for sunglasses (she got that shit for free in return for on camera time for the GlassLez Designer, der. This parenthetical was sponsored by Fatburger), we’re on to an Erika Jane segment.
By day, she’s a washed up slag in terribly patterned jogging suits wielding budget request forms for things like lightbulbs and Chex Mix. By night, she’s a washed up slag in Toddlers and Tiaras gowns wielding beef curtains and zero tone. I can’t tell much of a difference. I assume the daytime slag speed walks?
As this segment blahs on, I have one mystery to fascinate me. Is Kyle’s face filled with melted Cabbage Patch Doll material or did it randomly puff up like a scared blowfish as she watched Erika get her vag sprayed with craft glue again? Not sure, but seeing two desperate attempts to hold onto youth in one shot is pretty fun.
Andy gives Vanderpump shit for blatantly stealing Erika’s talking head dress for this reunion. Vanderpump says that Erika only has the shirt. Vanderpump has the DRESS. LOL. She has no IDEA Erika wore this same thing all season. Are you sure it wasn’t a less expensive version of Lisa’s, dahling? It looked it. No? Alright then, I’m sorry if you feel that I stole your shirt even though I’m wearing a dress.
Lisa not budging even on this, when you know she did this shit on purpose, is hilarious to me. She’s just fucking with these idiots now.
The ladies are already simmering over dress theft, but I’d rather some real competition. Erika can pat her puss, but Vanderpump could probably do a hand slap type “Down Down Baby” with her jay at this point. Practice, people. Don’t go for the Madame, young ho. Your time will come.