Where do I even begin? We’re only on the second episode of The Real Housewives of Dallas, and I’ve already heard Brandi talk about poop more times than I even care to try and count. I’d be perfectly happy to never hear about that topic again, but something tells me we won’t be so lucky. Is she planning on launching a line of toilet paper or toilet seat covers?
In other news, I am here to inform you all that I’ve discovered the true star of this show, and it’s LeeAnne’s dog.
This dog knows how to deliver some side eye and ensure it gets some snacks! Does anything else really matter?
So, this week we start by doing this new thing that Housewives shows have been doing recently where we get a quick check in with a few of the wives before jumping into any actual storylines. I don’t really mind it, because we get nice, quick scenes like this one of Cary tattooing a woman’s nipple.
There really wasn’t much context for this, so I’ll just leave it here.
Also, this week I noticed that Cary is giving me major Faye Resnick in her opener.
To officially start this week episode, we’re at Marie’s mansion, and Brandi is going to teach Marie’s daughter how to dance(?). Brandi always wanted to be a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, but she never had the money to pay for dance/gymnastics coaches, so she used to go to the top of the steepest hill she could find and throw herself backwards rolling down the hill. Apparently this helped her learn how to do a back handspring. I don’t know anything about gymnastics, but there’s got to be a better way.
I’n not sure if this is a result of too much Botox or maybe a too-tight facelift, but Marie always seems to be in a state of shock.
At first I thought she seemed shocked because Brandi was teaching her young daughter how to gyrate, but later on in the kitchen she looked even more shocked!
She’s probably mentally questioning why she agreed to be on this show, or she could be shocked that Brandi apologized for making a scene with LeeAnne at her dinner last week. Marie tries to go on the defense and says LeeAnne is much different in private than she portrays in public. Brandi doesn’t see them becoming besties anytime soon.
Then we move over to Cary/Faye Resnick who couldn’t find her way around the kitchen with a map, a GPS and a tour guide.
PSA: The red glowing part inside a toaster oven is hot. Do not touch it.
We find out that Cary’s husband used to be fat, have a bad haircut, and bad style too in my opinion.
According to Cary, her “magical junk” is so good that he lost 80 lbs (and most of his hair) and has kept it off.
It’s kind of obvious to me that Cary’s husband is way more into her than she is into him. I think she likes the idea of him more than she actually likes him.
Then we meet Cary’s daughter Zuri who is at the ripe old age of 2.
According to Cary/Faye Resnick/Alex McCord, Zuri already knows English, is working on Spanish, French and “a little bit of Swiss-German.” Remember when being a kid was fun?
Cary/Faye never really wanted to have kids, but now that she can afford a nanny and her husband does all the cooking and housework, she seems to be okay with it.
Then we’re with LeeAnne and Tiffany, who despite being the poorest of the group are always out shopping. There is a big charity event in Dallas every year called Mad Hatter’s where women wear ridiculously tacky and over-the-top hats, so of course LeeAnne is all over it. We’re lucky enough to get a look at the art installation she wore last year.
Women in Dallas are known to spend thousands of dollars on their hats, but because LeeAnne is so well known in the Dallas charity scene (and is on a reality show on Bravo), she’s sure to get her picture taken, so her hat will be free.
Then we move over to Brandi’s house. Stephanie came over, and it initially seems like they’ll be hot glue gunning some silk flowers onto some straw hats. Seems reasonable since they’ll realistically only wear them once. Then we find out that Brandi came up with the very classy and mature idea to theme her hat after a dog taking a shit in a park.
Then we find out that Stephanie tried to save face with LeeAnne by sending her an email apologizing if she felt ganged up on the other night at Marie’s.
Brandi did not seem pleased, y’all.
Then we’re with the poor folk again over at LeeAnne’s house. She’s hosting a BBQ with her boyfriend who won’t marry her, Tiffany and the Keith Urban wannabe.
Me.
Tiffany gives us a speech about how long she and LeeAnne have been friends, which in Housewives world means they’ll be ready to kill each other come reunion time.
So apparently Keith grew up on a dairy farm, and he told a nice story about reaching up into a cow’s butt. If you saw season 1 of The Simple Life, you know what he’s talking about.
Apparently, what Tiffany did the other day is nothing in comparison.
The dog is me. I am the dog.
In other news I never needed to know, LeeAnne’s boyfriend won a “best legs” contest in college. Then we delve into a bit of an uncomfortable conversation which further confirms that LeeAnne’s boyfriend has no interest in marrying her. He must have lost all his money in a previous marriage.
Tiffany and Keith (I don’t know his real name, and I refuse to learn it) have recently moved to Dallas, and in order to make her husband feel more settled, Tiffany wants to buy a house so he can set up a studio to record the 5 albums he wants to put out over the next 10 years.
Tiffany really wants us all to know that she did make a lot of money modeling, but she snorted it all up her nose at The Playboy Mansion or something.
Then we transition into an episode of Hundred Thousand Dollar Listing: Dallas. Tiffany and Keith are touring a house they can’t afford, with a realtor who doesn’t want us to forget where we are.
After touring the house, Keith let spill that he isn’t sure he really even likes living in Dallas, so he doesn’t want to make any long term commitments.
Let’s just take a quick gander at his accessory choices.
I don’t have much else to say about that.
Then we’re back at Brandi’s house, and she’s making a cake, or in her words a “poop pie,” for her mother’s birthday celebration.
Halloween?
Brandi’s parents had her and her brother at a very young age, 15, and Brandi thanked her mom for all she’d done for her in the past.
Then Brandi and Stephanie try to get rid of a hornet’s nest wearing Stephanie’s husband’s fur coats.
I’m not sure how much longer this Lucy and Ethel routine is going to last.
Finally it’s the day of the big crazy hat party.
#Modest
I’m not sure what happened to all those silk flowers Stephanie was working with, but they certainly didn’t end up on her head.
We get to the hat party, and 98% of the women in attendance look absolutely ridiculous.
^ Me.
Brandi’s hat did look absolutely insane, but I was so distracted by LeeAnne’s blush that I couldn’t focus on anything else going on.
Between the blush, the 1,400 strands of probably fake pearls and the massive fake flower on her head, LeeAnne was much more distracting than Brandi in my opinion.
After commenting negatively on Brandi’s hat behind her back, LeeAnne pulled out her best fake smile and kept her mouth shut when Brandi approached her. LeeAnne doesn’t think Brandi is aware that wearing a hat with poop on it to a charity event could be damaging to her reputation, but to be honest I don’t think Brandi gives half a damn.
After going to the bathroom and removing her hat, Brandi relayed to Tiffany and Marie that a piece of poop that had been glued to her hat had fallen off and rolled into an occupied stall of the ladies restroom.
Brandi comes up with another brilliant plan to put some of her fake poop in someone’s handbag, but Cary/Faye decides it would be funnier if it was on someone’s chair, and since she wants more screen time, she’s going to put it on LeeAnne’s chair.
Yeah, I’m sure this will end well.
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