Hello dears! Ready for Southern Charm? Me either, but let’s do it anyway. First I have to give a shout out to my commenters—from the snark on display (that gif of the Cuntess was everything and more) to the behind-the-scenes tidbits, I am in your thrall! Second, if I seem distracted, it’s because I’m a diehard Washington DC sports fan and will be writing this with 90% of my brain focused on the Capitals playoffs. For my non-sports readers, they play hockey. And Alex Ovechkin makes MissKitty say “Le Purr, Le Mew”.
Wake up routines- the only thing funny was Craig basically killing the world’s ozone getting ready for his first day at work.
Sigh. You can take the boy out of Delaware…
Delaware is such an odd-ball combination of sunburnt swollen-bellied farmer types in tattered baseball hats and “we are almost in Philadelphia, and so we’re sort of near New York” Guido. Craig seems to have emerged from the 1987-era Charlie Sheen in Wall Street vortex.
Craig talks about himself as the “New Craig” in the third person, and kisses Naomie goodbye. I have to say, I really think Craig is a nice person actually, and I generally like him, but I would happily insert a funnel into my ear and pour bleach and nuclear waste onto my ear drum if I had to live with his nasally one-note voice. He could make a story about a magic talking unicorn dull.
Shhh. Stop talking now.
Shep is next, facetiming with his mom Frances. In a cute mom moment, she is at first a blur.
Hi Frances!
Shep’s house is actually very nicely decorated and he brags that he loves the autonomy and that it gives him game e.g., women think he has his shit together. But then he admits he clearly doesn’t.
Again the self awareness makes my job hard. Stop it.
Craig is having his first day with JD at the Gentry Hotel. I love that he has his own office already with books in it like some kind of WASP-y Downton Abbey Library.
Are those even real?
JD lays out the itinerary, which involves possibly breaking walls at a construction site for the new hotel, and/or tasting bourbon. Um. Where do I send my resume? That sounds like a pretty fun day to me. May I just say that I definitely love that JD may be the owner, but he’s not too good to bust down a wall if he needs to. Craig says with a slight lack of enthusiasm that they will be getting their hands dirty.
Contemplating the dust and plaster that will cling to his hair-sprayed head
Cam stops by Shep’s house, saying that she texted him at 11 and didn’t get a response. Shep insists he was up at 10:30, but we see him fast asleep at 10:45am. Shep admits he only gets up early for surfing, duck hunting, skiing, and sex, and that he goes back to sleep after sex. Hahahaha oh come on. Who wouldn’t have the exact same life if money was no object and you didn’t have to work?
Cam must be suffering from heat stroke from their fishing trip, because she is discussing passing Shep extra clients of hers in her real estate business. Shep thinks if she is making money hand over fist it’d be stupid of him not to try it out. “More steaks in the freezer” he jokes.
Do you ever get down and thank GOD and baby Jesus and Mary and Joseph and their donkey that you slid out of the vag you did? YOU SHOULD
Shep (because he is in love with Cam) wants to work with her in a team. She tells him that since women make most of the purchasing decisions, that he should be very successful, because he can charm the pants off women but she hopes he really doesn’t.
“Please don’t be gross. And also please explain the strange pen drawing of the lips on your fridge”
We next go to Thomas’s house, and GOOD lord I forgot for a second just how loaded he is. That house is gorgeous. But then I saw his refrigerator. It’s actually a perfect metaphor. It’s empty, except for things to mix with liquor, a flavorless head of lettuce, and what looks like unhealthy bacon.
Thomas’s insides, as represented by a major appliance
Wasting precious time, aka 2 minutes since he threw down his keys, he pours himself a bourbon (looks like) and coke.
Um. Okay alkie
Kathryn calls, asking to come over and show him information on the house she likes, and he shrugs and acts put upon in his interview but still lights candles.
Maybe he’s like Ken, Lisa Vanderpump’s husband and has to cover his silent fahts
Kathryn shows him the house and he oos and ahs over it until she mentions that she needs a co-signer.