Last week, we got to see what a Hamptons McMansion looks like after the Hamburglar ransacks it. Bethenny hosted a BBQ filled with more pork than Sonja and Luann’s bedrooms. Luann hula hooped hoping to get Workmen’s Comp from Bravo and John threatened to channeled Freddy Krueger when apologizing for ruining Bethenny’s birthday.
Carole, Dorinda and Jules meet for lunch. Carole lost her cell phone, did not have a password because her rotary never needed one, and now sexy pictures of Adam are floating around. They don’t care though, cuz they’re so cool. Carole points out that there was no lumber or heavy equipment at Jules’ house; there were only piles of dirt. Dorinda says that they are working on it. After all, they have a bunch of kids. Carole says that they just have two and Dorinda ominously says they may have more. Unless Michael’s carrying it, that’s not happening.
Dorinda says the vibe was off at the schmear. Carole says it may have been becaue she and Bethenny hated everyone there, except for Dorinda AKA Snuffaluffagus, but especially John. Dorinda says that they will not make him the reason for every bad thing, including the half eaten stick of butter they had to split after he’d gnawed on it. Dorinda feels like Bethenny and Carole are so tight that no one can break through. You know who can break through with her pointy knees and elbows? Jules. She’s having a hard time having a favorable position of Bethenny because she criticized her home and left early for a lunch when she knew they were having brunch. I’ve never heard Bethenny place such emphasis on food until Jules came around. Also, Bethenny and Carole’s “lunch” was taking turns holding each other’s hair back.
Jules doesn’t want opinions from non-friends. Well be prepared to hate the Internet, lady! Carole says Bethenny was just overly honest which is like being overly asleep or overly pregnant. There’s no such thing; you’re rude or you’re not. Jules points out that Bethenny’s house is smaller than Jules’ apartment but she didn’t call it a Center for Ants. She didn’t but she did just upgrade Bethenny’s house to the international headquarters of an organization we so desperately need. Jules thinks she’s the bigger person for not pointing out how “teeny” it was and then says she’s old money and Bethenny is new. That means Jules paid for her house in Buffalo nickels and Bethenny used Tubmans. Big whoop.
If Jules and Michael want to inhale chlorine fumes in their moldy Bally Total Fitness swim room, it’s their choice. Jules hasn’t gotten a great impression of Bethenny who needs to rag on her in private to her boyfriend. Jules corrects herself and says Bethenny should talk to a wall since she doesn’t have a boyfriend. FYI, Bethenny’s walls are always up and fully decorated, thank you very much.
Dorinda compares Bethenny to an onion that requires peeling and cutting and throwing away because John hates them. Carole thinks Jules is sweet but is hiding a little crazy right below the surface. It’s not the most astute observation considering I can see Jules intestines from here.
Ramona visits Sonja to display her divorce papers like it’s a self-portrait she just commissioned. Ramona is over it. Sonja was over it far before anyone else. Unless Mario is code word for Prosecco, she’s not interested. Sonja immediately rambles off her scripted excuse, daughter stalking, for not going to the Hamptons. Ramona informs her that she wasn’t even invited. What is it with this group inviting and RSVP’ing to themselves? Ramona tells her that Bethenny doesn’t want her around because she’s a sloppy drunk and neither does Ramona because she’s judged by the company she keeps.
“The only company you keep is Pinot Grigio, mesh dresses and clear heels. ”
“We’re the yin to each other’s rehab.”
She tells Ramona about she and Luann recreating Perfect Strangers, starring Luann as Balki Bartacamus. Ramona is concerned that this will make the drinking worse. It will also ensure that the entire male population of the UES will have bumper stickers celebrating the housewives they’ve banged. Well, their drivers will have bumper stickers.
Carole chats with Adam via Facetime or Skype or some technology that didn’t exist when Carole was an ABC correspondent. Adam has been gone for two weeks but he’d still rather eat than talk to her. Carole is going to be crushed when this ends. It was awkward to watch her giggle and worry about how she looked when he was more concerned about eating his Ethiopian Taco Bell. And yes, Ethiopian Taco Bell is also a sexual position.
Bethenny and Jules meet for lunch. Bethenny knows that if she was uncomfortable, everyone at the brunch was uncomfortable. If Sonja is the straw that stirs the drink, Bethenny is the foot that stomps the ants. The waitress tries to take their order but Jules goes on a rant about kale. This conversation is so 2012. Jules makes it worse by asking why Asian restaurants serve kale. Bethenny thinks she should carry a matzo ball and dress like a geisha everywhere she goes. Silly…Jules can’t hold up a matzah ball. I assume Jules finally ordered something because the waitress walks away trying to figure out what 20% of diet water with lemon will yield.