Huffington Post – We Didn’t Ask for This Ellen
Some beautiful people went on Ellen today to talk about their sex lives while “a friend of mine” sat in her cubicle and fantasized about all the margaritas she’d make herself while she laid in bed this Friday night watching Outlander with no pants on. So, yay, I’m glad we’re all in a great place right now.
E! – Baby Gorilla Born in NJ Captivity: Healthy, Fist Bumping, Wearing First Ed Hardy Diapers
Congratulations are in order to Jenny “J-Woww” Farley and Roger “Roger” Mathews of Jersey Shore fame. That was a show your dad and I used to watch to feel better about our life decisions, honey. Anyway, mother and son – who burst through the hair gel-lined birth canal screaming “CABS AH HYAH” – are doing just fine. Resting in their little hospital bed doing kamikazes and making ham sandwiches.
Perez Hilton – Posh Spice: *Dead Air*
Ohhhh my gosh Posh Spice just told someone that her mic was never turned on during Spice Guhls concerts. Whoa. Wow. This is like. Mind blowing. Seriously you guys you could just knock me over with a Victoria Beckham feather at this news. I mean I knew that Posh was basically lip syncing through her entire life but this? This will not abide.
Hey did someone change the thermostat. Look at that squirrel. I think I’ll take a nap my ears are ringing again.
People – WHY DID I STOP WATCHING THIS SHOW
Oh yeah, because it was a glittering cesspool of human catastrophe. But OMG, apparently (just kidding, obviously) all is not well in the white robed den of grace and toast that is Kody Brown’s plural family. So turns out Meri (Broad #1, AKA The One Who Never Signed Up For This) entered into an online relationship a while ago which. I wonder how that works. Do Mormon dating sites and chat rooms organize themselves all by one man? Hey ladies, it’s Ezekial Chat! I dunno anyway. But turns out dude she was speaking to was a LADYYYYYYY ahhhhh. Welcome to hell, Meri, you sapphic whore. Don’t worry, we’re all here. You’ll have fun. Take a shot.
TMZ – Speaking of Horror Franchises
You stay classy, TMZ.
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