I had a dream that I was being suffocated in my sleep. I opened my eyes but couldn’t see through the pasty white flesh. It will all be worth it if I just make it through this. I’m choking now. Is there a hair in my teeth? Just stay calm. You won’t die, and when you wake up you’ll have everything you ever dreamed of. Is it worth it? What prize is worth this feeling? A jet passes overhead and I wake up. It’s over. Thankfully, Don Rickles isn’t staring back at me with drool coming down his face, spent.
Why would I dream of being Erika Jayne? What did it mean? I live in a shithole, my friends are non worked out gays that get no payment for their friendship. I fly Southwest, for fuck’s sake. It’s all cruel and meaningless, and I learned nothing.
I know. It’s the end of a season, not MY LIFE. Still, I can’t help but ask myself what the point of all this shit is? Even though it kills me to think this, I can’t help it: WHO’S GONNA WIN? I would hold my head in shame, but the TV isn’t on the floor so let’s just push these feelings deep down, bury them, and find the PLAY button.
Thanks for letting me share. Now let’s get to The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion: Hagchella Part Three.
We open talking about how abusive it was for Vanderpump to not understand Eileen bringing up abuse randomly at dinner. Eileen just wanted to help people during appetizers, you guys. I got hit awhile back. Pass the rolls.
Vanderpump is questioned about her own abusive relationship at age 19. Visions of the World’s Fair and the invention of salt water taffy flash before her eyes. Like most Real Housewives, no tears roll down her face. Not because she’s not producing them, but because she has no fear of scratching her lens. She shoves a kleenex against her balls and blinks.
It’s terrifying and kinda brilliant. I predict tiny kleenex particles will form tissue cataracts in the near future, but Vanderpump would even find a way to turn that into a win and never have a visible eye boogar again. Eileen is bitchy pouting as Pump cries. LOLZ
At least someone will get a groundswell of public support off of my abuse story.
This story is HILARIOUS, BABY!
Pump hasn’t cried about it since it happened cuz she’s an unfeeling monster. Andy scrunches his face and calls a BINGO number out, but a producer reminds him that he’s supposed to be running a reunion. His eyes come back into focus and he asks Pump why she didn’t bring up her own abuse and have a Battle of the Abusive Relationships with Eileen right then and there when Eileen first brought her story up. Yolanda bends over and goads Lisa. “Dees is whad we wand from her! DA FEELEENZ!” As if Vanderpump has been practicing a thoughtful, hurt naked confused child shot for Vogue and finally nailed it.
YEZ JOO FEELED IT!
As Yolanda stage mothers Vanderpump about exploiting her past for airtime, I fear for all of us in the next season. Yolanda refuses to talk about her divorce now because a settlement hasn’t been reached. But wait. She’ll be fake crying over this shit for eons and giving herself gold stars for being “DA REELZ”. Yolanda re Lisa’s abuse: “Eed woulduff mayde us lige you.” HAHA
Yolanda is still fucking talking. The ladies are all on Lisa now for NOT trying to manipulate them with her tears. These are some of the biggest morons ever assembled on one set. Vanderpump, worried that her crying isn’t enough, insists that she feels things. She was vulnerable on camera. Remember when she cried about the abused dogs and protested at an innocent church’s address when her charity twink fucked up his google maps on her pink Yulin march? So many fluffy puppies being tortured, dahling. Each one, a potential new hairstyle for Ken.
Eileen snaps that Vanderpump feels more about dogs than she does any of the women in the cast. Vanderpump nods and says “Yes. Thank you.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Eileen can’t tell if Vanderpump didn’t hear her right or is being an asshole, so Pump clarifies. “I have great empathy for animals and people I care about.” In other words, not you betches. For those who don’t understand my allegiance to Vanderpump, there’s the reason right there. She has had no problem EVER telling people what she’s thinking. She just does it in such a polite way that no one gets it. It’s fucking amazing to me. The cherry on top of a Vanderpump diss is usually a victim plea, so I’m excited when I press play again.
Pump: You’ve said a lot of nahsty things about me.