Hello Trashies! Oh man, a spinoff of “Below Deck” is a god send and I am so excited to get to know these crew members (maids)!
First off, not having Captain Lee around is a down right tragedy and this stuffed animal of a captain we have in place of him is depressing. Captain Mark is hopelessly bubbly so I am already upset that we don’t have Lee here to shit on dreams. Ben, our notorious philandering chef, is back for more and he’s just excited that he doesn’t have to clean up after the bloated, ragging lunatic Chef Leon after last season.
On comes Chief Stew Hannah and already, Ben is trying to conceal his boner. Captain talks with Hannah and although just meeting her, is super confident that she can get the whole boat ready in 24 hours, when the first charter guests arrive. Hannah is just offended looking at this boat, as it looks like something Don Johnson would’ve spread his semen all over in the 80’s.
He’s seen too much…
Bryan comes on board as our bosun, but before we can even see him blink, Captain Mark promotes him to first mate because he speaks English or some shit.
I don’t think he even say Hi before he got promoted
Wow, Capt. Mark needs to stop putting blind faith in these wannabe Bravo stars this quickly. The two other stews come on, both women, and I’m just waiting for a male stew already. Need some of that dick in my life. Hannah pretty much hates women, but is definitely feeling on Bobby, the tree of a deckhand. Another deckhand, Danny comes on, and is the exact replica of Scott Baio and Dave Franco’s accident baby.
The least successful Franco of all time
Captain introduces us to the three “greek semen” and I spell it that way intentionally. Apparently, Captain never took an oral communications course and can barely utter full sentences, making Captain Lee punch his television. All the groceries come on board and we get our intense dramatic music because putting away ten pounds of smart water is fucking brutal to one’s soul.
THE HUMANITY!
There are some lovely paintings around the boat with lots of dicks exposed so this boat is just going to be making tips by itself. Jen, our local “female deckhand who men assume can’t lift a rope,” is on board and she says she looks good in khakis, hence her career choice.
One of our stewardesses, Tiffany, has a degree in marine biology but would rather be a boat captain. She tells Hannah she is not detail oriented and Hannah nearly loses her eyes due to her active side eyeing. Meanwhile, Jen finds out that Julia, the other stewardess (this season’s Amy, I’m calling it!) that she nicknamed Danny “pocket rocket.” Jen is like “thats what I use on my vagina” and Julia doesn’t understand. Jen is trying to get all up in Hannah’s lady business too because she looks “like Jennifer Lawrence, but with a fatter ass and bigger tits.” Jen’s favorite porno is the second “Hunger Games.”
Bryan, Hannah and Ben meet with Captain to discuss their charter guests. The primary guest owns a skincare line apparently and wants her products to inspire some of the food’s flavors. Bryan interpreted it as she wanted exfoliant in her beef, as one should. Hannah finds out that they also want the Steelers game to be streamed on the boat and Hannah says she’s managed to find 10 hookers before for her bosses, so this shit is easy.
Bryan lets us know that he is very unfamiliar with women as deckhands and isn’t sure how he can communicate with them if he can’t like punch them in the face and shit. This man is a primate.
Tiffany is stuck doing laundry and all I can see is Rocky’s terrifying face and haunting musical singing. God, I pray Tiffany turns out a little less bat shit nuts. I cant listen to anymore “ironing the captain’s shorts” ballads. Outside, Bryan and Bobby are talking about which woman they want to fuck, like you know, the girls are just waiting to be claimed like cattle. Speaking of cattle, Bryan says he’s glad all these girls are so hot because he’s worked on some boats with some real “heifers.” CHARMING. Trump called, he wants his pet name for Hilary back. Ya fuck.
The primaries come on and Ben assures his lovely lady guest that she’ll be fine with the gluten in Greece. priorities. Turns out it takes the kick of a real woman, and not three bitch ass men to get an anchor to get going and obviously Bryan is holding back the urge to punch a woman in the face to communicate “good job.”