Well howdy! Ready to dissect Shep’s horrible birthday party? I am! First, I must give props to my amazing commenters. You all seriously bring it every week!!
This week Laaahahahahandon shits the bed, much to Shep’s disgust, Craig begins formulating a terrible, awful idea, Thomas is the same, Patricia ices out Cooper, and speaking of which, how SASSY is Cooper this week? Cam unleashes her inner Regina George, Danni remains sweet, Kathryn reaches out to the gang and Whitney, well Whitney remains the skin-crawling, reptilian, disgusting douchebag he always is.
The wake up scenes, and MY EYES! We see waaaaay more of Thomas than I think anyone (except Whitney) wants to.
If I have to you have to
STOP MAKE IT STOP
Cam makes her coffee, slurping her whipped cream, which normally I’d find enchanting, but I’m a little miffed at her this week. So Eff it.
“Getting it in” UR DOING IT RONG
Whitney wakes up to the breakfast all 40-something champions eat
Does this bozo have to show up with a wiener every season?
“I’m calling you Shep and you Thomashh”
Shep is still slumbering, because after all, it’s still the crack of 11am, Patricia is having Michael re-fluff her couch pillows, and Craig and Naomie are packing, because her parents’ house, aka, their squatting location, has been sold. We see them pack. No I’m not grabbing anything for that, because STOP MAKING PACKING A THING, BRAVO.
Craig sweetly interviews that he’d be happier living in an alley with Naomie than alone in a castle. Aw. Cute. Just wait until about 3 years in. Anyway, he makes an analogy that constantly moving is like being on the run and you’re finally caught and it’s a relief to be caught. Naomie gets a furrowed brow and is like “Um.. I don’t think of that.” Paging Dr. Projection.
While packing glasses, Naomie asks about the flamingo party and if there was any drama. Craig says there was and it was kind of started by him. Then he starts the germination of the most frightening, bad, “maybe I should pet that greasy rat over by the trash cans”, idea ever. He decides to delve into the reason why Whitney hates Kathryn so much.
Don’t do it! Don’t try to analyze Whitney!
Craig goes on by talking about how Kathryn was a trophy he wanted to bang first but after Shep she wasn’t a trophy.
Craig: Little piece of advice. This isn’t the face you want to see on your girlfriend
Craig concludes that Whitney must have had feelings for Kathryn. Wait. Excuse me a second…. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! FEELINGS?! From that petrified mannequin?? A turnip has more feelings. VOID has more feelings.
Speaking of which, we are at Whitney’s loft. Wait the what? He bought the loft? Is this the same loft that Patricia said looked like it was furnished from “Hum Depot”? I’m confused. Either way, we have to endure his brittle endearments to Larissa, his German high school girlfriend. “Hi baby” he says, with all the romance of a Japanese talking toilet.
Feelings… Nothing more than… Feelings…
I’d rather endure a pap smear than more of his “baby” this and “kisses” that.
Kathryn is walking, and I love that she’s dressing more sharply, getting some of that mojo back.
Those heels are dope—I would walk in them like I had a cayenne-covered pipe up my ass
She’s meeting with none other than COOPER! OooOoo
I love Cooper’s perfect hair swirl like he’s from an Archies comic
Cooper gushes over her new Birkin bag, and Kathryn interviews that it’s “faux-real” and that “it’s all about image with these fuckers” hahahaha
I have always enjoyed your bitchy side, my dear
Kathryn asks about the Pink Flamingo party, and Cooper takes a sip of his bourbon and tut tuts “The tackiness”. Hahahahaha!!!
Truman Capote 2.0
We learn that Patricia called Cooper prior to the Flamingo party and said he shouldn’t be seen with Kathryn, that it wouldn’t look good for him. Cooper told her “Kathryn is my friend” Kathryn interviews that “She talks about me and martinis. Literally. And animals.”
Hahaha Taking on the Queen of this series takes balls, I’ll give you that (PS: her love of animals is the the main likable thing about her)
Cooper starts in a preaching cadence about how if he’s said it once he’s said it again, maybe he needs to climb to the top of Ravenel Bridge to shout out how Patricia Altschul sees a little bit of herself in “our Carolina Wildcat”. Hahahahaha
Oh Cooper. Don’t ever change
Whitney comes in to dish with his mother, who says her party was a great success especially for her book. She mentions Shep jumping into the pool, because apparently if you’re a male, you can do anything boorish and it’s perfectly fine and adorable.