Women are always told that we’re the ones who get attached, that we can’t separate sex from emotion or logic from romance. I see your “scientific studies” about “oxytocin” and raise you an indisputable fact: this episode of Reign. It not only dismisses that notion this week, it shows three men losing their goddamn minds over our Queens.
We open with Mary’s arrival fresh from Rome. Gideon is waiting to greet her like a dog whose owner accidentally got drunk at happy hour and fell asleep at a friend’s. He confronts her with a mix of eagerness, curiosity, and anger, but either way it’s moot— the Vatican said no to Mary’s request.
I didn’t think we’d do shots!
Psych! That’s just what she told Gideon. Inside, she tells Catherine the truth. They’re going to supply her with an army.
In England, Elizabeth is pressured to choose an heir. She rejects the council’s choice and instead proposes her own— Mary as successor with the caveat that Elizabeth picks her next husband. This forces Mary to acknowledge Elizabeth has the true claim to England thus weakening Mary’s position, and Elizabeth can diminish her power further by saddling her with a dud of a man.
Catherine is not over someone framing her for Francis’s death (you’d think it’d be just another frame job at Court, but I guess when filicide is involved, feelings linger), and she still strongly suspects Narcisse. However, he brings her news that it was in fact Cardinal Morel. She’s skeptical but tasks Narcisse with finding Morel and proving his own innocence.
While Catherine’s getting ready, Christoph shows up in the classic bathroom mirror horror movie shot. She states “I’m going to have that secret passage sealed up.” Honestly, what is even the point now? If you didn’t have it sealed when your masked crazed offspring was trolling around who cares about a serial killer who most likely won’t harm you. Christoph complains because he’s been assigned by Bash to wolf watch or some other very important Kingsguard duty in Chambord. He assures her he will still kill, but she’s an “out of sight, out of mind” kind of person so that doesn’t bother her much.
still got it!
Mary visits Greer who’s still cooking up a pirate baby so she hasn’t been to Court for weeks. Mary asks Greer to return to Scotland with her. To her surprise, Greer requests permission to stay. Mary is disappointed because all of her friends have abandoned her for whore houses or child husbands or they’re hostages or whatever.
I know, take Aylee!
Sweetie, she got pushed off a balcony in season 1
After leaving the tavern, Mary is accosted in an alley by an archbishop from the Vatican. He informs Mary that she will be offered a deal by Elizabeth and he instructs her to take it. Mary is confused why The Vatican would want a weaker position for Mary until she realizes once she accepts the offer, they will kill Elizabeth. How Liz didn’t see that coming is beyond me. Like seriously just look one move beyond on the chess board.
Nonetheless, Mary is outraged and looks to Catherine for support. She doesn’t want to kill her cousin or establish a precedent of assassinating monarchs. Catherine’s a big fan of technicalities and points out that actually the Vatican would do the dirty work so Mary should take the freebie. Mary insists she will still be blamed and that retaliation will definitely happen. The women surmise that this is the Vatican’s whole plot, and Mary is just a pawn to be easily replaced by a male ruler when the time comes. Call me crazy, but I’m getting the impression the Vatican might be shady.
Reluctant besties, Elizabeth and Lola are riding around on another “tour” which is really a way for Elizabeth to secretly meet up with Dudley in town. Lola urges her to be careful, but Elizabeth dismisses her. She’s incredibly lonely since William has been exiled, presumably in a land of no red heads, and Robert is the only person close to her left. Unfortunately, the townspeople have found about him. Elizabeth and Lola witness an angry hoard approach his doorstep where he is challenged to a duel.
Sorry to bother you, do you have time to talk about what God can do for you?
The duel takes place at dawn where Elizabeth and Lola manage to attend undetected. I wish a hood disguised my identity as well as it did for people in period shows. I’d never again have to say hi to my mom’s friends at the grocery store.
It’s me! Elizabeth!
Anyhoo, this is not your average duel. Today is pistols, not swords. Pistol duels are so dumb. Like it’s literally explained that the guns are a crapshoot and whichever gun doesn’t mess up, wins. At least swords take skill. Either way, the challenger’s pistol backfires and Dudley wins. Though he keeps his life, his PR plummets even more.
may the best gun win
Cue crazy man number one: Now the murderer everyone accused him of, Dudley is despondent. He begs Elizabeth to let him come back to court to be with her regardless of the fact that it is a completely terrible idea that would put her rule further into jeopardy.