Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Hello Paupers! How was everyone’s poor existence since we last met? Oh, don’t remember me? I am a snooty rich person and I am here in my caviar encrusted Lincoln Town Car quaffing buckets of champagne. I tell my driver *hiccup, throw out the champagne bottle, just bring me the bucket. I will use it for post-imbibing barf. But my barf is still better than what you probably had for dinner.
Join me as we luxe our way through another season of Rich Kids of Beverly Hills. Expect snobbery. Expect excitement. Expect social security to go broke soon so get ready to sell your plasma, peons!
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Lots of skinny legs. Who can better resemble two pencils wearing a smug smile?
The episode opens with Morgan slipping on her wedding gown, which she most definitely bought at David’s Bridal on sale. Actually, despite Morgan and Brandon (who, if you remember has the nickname Asscot, and who will now continue to be referred to as such for the remainder of the season) promising they are indeed getting hitched, Morgan is actually wearing gowns for her Brides magazine photoshoot. She vamps around the street while a gaggle of people touch up her mug and take photos. She calls Brides magazine “iconic” which, I guess. She takes photos with Asscot and a dog. CUT!
We open at #dinner! The entire group, minus Roxy who is a huge baby and is probably already sleeping in a crib made of rubies and Prada heels, sits around as Dorothy proclaims she is fat. They all agree that post-breakups are when you get the skinniest. This is a “what have they been up to” segment. Dorothy is dating some basketball player named Quincy who plays on the New Orleans Pelicans? Dorothy says she still doesn’t know him that well but she flies to New Orleans every other week. This is already dumb.
Roxy has finished designing her house…yeah the pink dream house. She decorated it with Lisa Frank stickers. Jonny reports this to the table, some of whom are blocked on Instagram. Morgan and Roxy are no longer friends. They cheers to new beginnings.
EJ, who has yet to find a Chanel purse he would not sell his soul for, and some doof named Drew who is carrying a Birkin bag, head to the gym. They work out with some lady named Cindi (because you know it is spelled that way) and Drew reveals he was once in a boy band. They show some video that looks like it was shot in a basement of him singing. I already want this segment to end. They are just friends in case you needed to know that. EJ continues to pat himself on his skinny back and reveals he has lost 180 pounds! YES AND YOU HAD GASTRIC BYPASS ASSHOLE. It is already 3 minutes into the new season and I am back to feeling irritated at EJ’s very presence.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
This picture is due to the wonders of modern medicine. And a professional trainer, chef and stylist.
In another segment, Asscot and Jonny are at the bar. Asscot is yammering on about wedding planning, blabbing about silverware and flowers. Jonny is barely listening because he got a text telling him he needs to get tested for HIV. He tells Brandon and the room gets somber. Jonny leaves.
After some commercials for crap you dont need and probably cannot afford anyway, we arrive at a hilltop where Morgan is directing her planner that she wants the huppah bedecked in white roses. They scope out some venues. This segment is essentially Morgan making quips and Asscot interjecting. It is as exciting as it sounds. They settle on some rustic spread of land.
EJ goes to meet with a talent manager to feed his delusions of grandeur. He wants to separate himself from his father’s last name and do a capsule collection, be a stylist and do a book and maybe get some skincare endorsements. He wants to get back with an acting coach. Not only did the talent manager keep him waiting, she takes no notes. She wants him to do new headshots which is basically just feeding her monthly retainer so he can feel glamorous. She says they will be with him every step of the way. Yup, until Magic stops paying for it.
Jonny goes to get tested. #responsible
Morgan who comes along, urges him to think positively. Which is fucking hilarious. Good news, Jonny is negative for the HIV. Morgan tells him to be more responsible with his decision. #goodfriend
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
The funny one is on the right. Actually, she looks like Leah Remini here.
Dorothy comes visits EJ in his terribly decorated and vampy condo. Dorothy says that his skinny photos are taking the Internet by storm. Yeah this is more like sturm und drang. Flashes of 3rd rate websites and blogs flash on the screen. They have an absolutely ridiculous conversation about how EJ wears women’s clothing sometimes and people have a problem with it. NO NO NO. Do not flatter yourself. No one cares at all.
EJ takes his new photos and dammit if Photoshop does not make him look like Cuba Gooding Jr. with an extra chromosome. Afterwards, he shows up to dinner with Dorothy wearing leather booty shorts, tall boots and a studded jacket. You go boy!
Dorothy wants to introduce EJ to Bianca- who I guess is the new cast person since Taylor Hasslehoff didn’t “collide” with audiences so well. “Collide” is a reference to her horrendous “song” she recorded. Happy to not have her or BAWBBY grace my screen. Bianca arrives late, having taken the time to spray paint two gift wrap bows and glue them to the sides of her head.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
I rock ruff and tuff with my afro puffs! Hey!
She is well known to the cast, as her brother is best friends with Asscot and she has known Dorothy and Jonny for several years. She says she has enough money to do whatever the fuck she wants. I am sure you earned the fuck out of every dollar, right? Dummy. Dorothy and Bianca chat about going on tour with French Montana over the summer. Of course, a bootleg rapper with less real skill then my cat’s neutered testicles is the pinnacle of talent for these foolios.
They meet back up with EJ at some club. Dorothy gets vexed because some guy tells him her boyfriend is cheating. Biana says “every guy is a busta.” She sounds the WORST.
The next morning, Dorothy and Bianca pop champagne in bed and talk about finding new boyfriends. Bianca says that she should “David Foster him” which means leaving him at a bad time. That was pretty damn funny, mostly because Yolanda sucks.
Next up we have Asscot and Morgan, the latter of whom is screeching about her preferences for white flowers only. The florist and Morgan are connecting big time about some Dior campaign and the delphyniums. I…really…need…an…Aleve. Fuck it, pass me the entire bottle and a jug of Veuve Cliquot.
Dorothy and Jonny meet for Italian food. All these kids do is pose on SnapTwitter and eat. Not the worst work, if you can stomach it. All of a sudden, Dorothy reveals that the rumor was not true. Now she is questioning the relationship. They agree long distance is a pain in the ass.
Image may be NSFW.
Clik here to view.
Maybe a pain in the ass is how you got in trouble!
Asscot is proclaiming himself a foodie at the food tasting. Morgan is rejecting ton of stuff, including beets, fish and air. Asscot is getting annoyed that Morgan is trampling all over his opinions. Welcome to married life buddy. Har de har har. In the parking lot, Asscot lays down the law (as best he can). Morgan says that the point of the wedding is that it is HER day and the only thing that matters is what she wants. Asscot wants to go to Europe to see clients and Morgan is pissed. The episode ends with them climbing into an SUV angrily.
I am going to go ride my thoroughbred horses a couple times around the paddock to clear my head. Till next week!
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, follow our TV parody boards on Pinterest, and get our daily microblogs on Tumblr!