What do you do when there’s a serial killer in your midst? Do you have a violent but darkly beautiful homoerotic love story with him despite his affinity for eating his victims? Do you try to teach him to use his compulsion to kill others of his ilk only for him to date his sister and go full lumberjack? Do you pop on Huey Lewis & The News and assure him that you LOVE his business card? Personally, I tend to call the police and avoid all wells, but next time methinks I’ll go the way of Queen Catherine (or Joffrey Baratheon) and make myself a dogman to do my dirty work. Welcome to another episode of Reign where we don’t fear serial murderers; we use them to our advantage.
We open with Charles lecturing his mom on the sins of her past. Calm down, Chuck. Talk to me after you’ve ruled by yourself for a few days and try to tell me your hands are clean.
MOM!!!!
Yes, child?
Uhhh, I love you?
That’s what I thought
Bash enters, and the three of them theorize on the identity of the Red Knights. They figure the perpetrators are most likely living relatives of the OG squad, but the group took a vow of celibacy. However, Catherine knew chances of them sticking to that were slim to yeah fucking right so she provided them courtesans on the DL after they won battles.
Bash heads to Miss Medici’s Home for Retired Prostitutes where he questions a woman about potential bastard babies. She’s a tad offended because she was a PROFESSIONAL and they were trained in the art of avoiding pregnancy. Don’t taint her rep, Bash! Nevertheless, what must’ve been a third rate lady of the night slinks off into the background.
My Yelp rating was outstanding
Bash follows and she reveals that she fell in love with a Red Knight and had his child. Soon, though, she realized the group were devil worshippers. She didn’t want to take any chances of having an Omen baby so she ditched it in the woods outside of Dijon.
We’re thrown into the middle of THE FIGHTING PITS in Dijon. Bash is super pissed he just discovered these and laments the time he could’ve spent here when his role was to be the bad boy instead of whatever head of security/bridge to the supernatural he is now. Rage issues offer an advantage in fights, and in my experience, abandoned wood babies are chock full of it, so it’s no surprise the current streak holder is the orphan in question.
Bash gently confronts him in his tent (knife to the throat) where he learns the man is not the culprit, but someone with a ruby ring did attempt to recruit him to the cause. As they exit the tent, he is javelined in the heart (womp womp), but Bash manages to capture his ruby-ringed assailant.
Still undefeated in The Pit, bitch
The man is brought back to the castle torture dungeon where he’s greeted by Catherine and her jack of all atrocities, Christoph. Despite having his hand broken and an eye burned off with acid, the man refuses to break. The only information gathered is that the target is not only Catherine, but the whole Valois line, and that Christoph gets turned on by torture which, DUH. The man then implements one of my most used life hacks—throwing yourself into your torturer’s device to end your life and the pain.
*Foreplay*
This man had no connection to Narcisse, so Catherine approaches Stephane with an apology. He’s uncharacteristically humble about it and offers his support in the fight ahead. Yessss. Out of the way, children! It’s time for the adults to get shit done.
I sowwwy
It’s k 
Meanwhile, Robert Dudley is already in France and getting his Katniss on with Mary. They agree they low key hate each other and both their lives suck so naturally it’s time to make their engagement official. At this point, Mary is pushing Danielle Staub levels of betrothals.
If she gets another one, I’m flipping a table
Cut to Mary and Gideon hooking up—this engagement is off to a great start. Afterward, they do what we all do post-sex, and brainstorm possible suspects in ongoing plots against them. This time, they conclude the option the Vatican must have in mind to replace Mary is her and Elizabeth’s cousin, Joseph Tudor. He’s an English Catholic who sought asylum in France and Gideon is off to find him.
To the English, Gideon is still supposed to be seducing Mary, so Dudley’s not shocked to see him a bit mussed outside of Mary’s chambers. Regardless, tensions are clearly high between these two, and Dudley doesn’t want Gideon playing with what he sees as his, even if he doesn’t like it very much.