Last week, Jules disclosed her eating disorder to everyone without eyes. Sonja found out she’s the town drunk. Luann was le coq-blocked by Bethenny and Dorinda thinks the women are jealous of the way she and John sweat, yell and damage bed frames.
Sonja’s facialist, much like any man under 25 in NYC, is hard at work on Sonja’s face. In case you didn’t know, human placenta can only be found on the black market so the facialist has to use human stem cells. These are things I need to understand better. First, is placenta hard to get because modern mothers are snacking on it like kale chips? And why is the stuff that can cure thousands of diseases being used to fix wrinkles on a person whose liver is three drinks away from being the fifth California Raisin?
“There’s room for one more.”
Supposedly the facialist hasn’t been invited to the party because Luann hates her for saying that she likes short, French men she can dominate in bed. That’s total crap. Luann wears that honor like a Miss Universe sash. That phrase will be engraved on her tombstone. If she were arrested, that’d be her prison tattoo. Truth is, neither Luann nor Sonja want to socialize with the help. Sonja reviews the guest list while rehashing old RHONY catchphrases i.e. . John “wouldn’t miss opening of an envelope” circa Season 1 and “what would I be doing there without Dorinda” circa Season 7. Even the facialist is like “I know, I know”. These housewives drive catchphrases into the ground faster than their marriages.
Carole is having a psychic reading at her house because selling booze and starting a jewelry line were taken when she was out with the chickenpox. We spend a solid seventeen minutes watching everyone arrive. By the way, Carole’s dog Baby is so cute. Anyway, Dorinda and Bethenny both make terrible psychic jokes and Jules says it’s not Jewish to do this. She goes along with it though because what’s thousands of years of tradition, history and potential damnation when you’re trying to social climb.
The psychic says Jules has been a leader of women in her past lives, perhaps Bone of Arc, and she starts to cry. That was super easy so she moves to Dorinda and says a dead John is trying to get through. Bethenny immediately checks her google alerts hoping that somehow a John Mahdessian – sized tornado has struck Queens and claimed him as its only victim. Dorinda keeps obnoxiously naming all the Johns she knows and then Ramona loudly barges in showing off her necklace and trying to find her seat like it’s a Fiddler on the Roof matinée and her kid’s got three lines in it.
“I’m like that show The Running Dead. I’m so busy, okaaay?”
“It’s The Walking Dead and your dead father just ordered eggs over easy. “
The psychic gets back on track and says there’s an R&R. Richard and Robert are Dorinda’s deceased husband and his brother and they’re communicating through the piles of change Dorinda keeps finding. It’s so touching.
“That’s amazing! Richard and I used to throw change at Black people every Sunday.”
Kim says that Richard thinks John is only good for now but he can’t protect her.
“He can Scotch guard that couch all he wants, he’s still gonna sweat through that thing.”
Bethenny’s ghost dad gets in on the action but Bethenny is blocking it and he’s being distant anyway. I want to believe in Kim but this stuff is so easily googled that I can’t get into it. Supposedly, Bethenny’s dad wants her to stop saying she’ll never get married again. Bethenny insists she’ll never get married again and Kim agrees that she doesn’t see it. Bethenny’s not impressed and would rather hear how many times she masturbates or when her divorce will be resolved. You can tell when people have money because even hypothetically they don’t think to ask for the Powerball numbers or who’s going to win the World Series. I would Biff Tannen the hell out of a psychic reading.
Then she says if Dorinda gets married again it will not be to John. Ramona says “Thank God”. Dorinda flies off the handle again and says that John doesn’t like Ramona because she’s a bitch. Dorinda says she doesn’t talk about Ramona’s idiots and stupid relationships and she would talk about Mario but he left her for someone else. Ramona doesn’t feed into it because somewhere on this planet at this very moment, it’s Turtle Time. Ramona unflinchingly changes the subject and finds out that she’ll get married again. Meanwhile, Bethenny and her Beetlejuice dad leave, unimpressed and full of cheese, to pick up Brynn.
Ramona’s father comes through and mentions a picture that no one else has seen except her family, friends, cast and crew. She and her dad bonded for the first time ever right before he died and they took a picture with her on his lap. The thing is, she isn’t really on his lap but Ramona cried and made a connection so Kim’s earned her $250 and Skinnygirl blender. Dorinda’s got the market cornered on crying over dead people so she interrupts Ramona’s moment to tell her she’s heartbroken and needs her to lay off of John. Ramona swears in blood to never lay anything on John and apologizes.
“I’m sorry your boyfriend’s disgusting.”
Carole has an iPod because she’s a rebel without wi-fi. She visits Jules who microwaves tea for her. Serving day old bovine urine in a White Castle cup is less insulting than microwaved tea for your guests. Somewhere, Jules’ housekeeper is cutting herself. Actually, her housekeeper probably transforms into the cow-ch whenever company comes over so Jules can look capable of doing things like brushing her kids teeth with Blow Pops.
“Mommy, the couch is talking again. And it smells like Pledge.”
Jules the Jew strikes again. She says that Jews don’t want to know their fate but she enjoyed forsaking her beliefs for a vague reading of her life’s purpose. She could have gotten the same info from a fortune cookie. Isn’t it ironic?