Hello all you folks drowning in credit card debt and wearing an Hermes belt from two seasons ago. Don’t lie, I know they only made that garish turquoise color for resort ’14 and you probably got it from an outlet store. I have been on my 20 foot yacht- because my 30 foot yacht is being serviced- basking in the Mediterranean surf, awaiting the most recent episode of my favorite upper classers to air. And now it has, so bring me a lobster and let the games begin.
Bianca’s nose is straight. Straight straight straight. She flies private. Private private private.
The episode opens at the Mercedes dealership, where EJ and his sister are looking at new color schemes of G class SUVs that neither of them earned. They take a test drive while they flirt out the window. Barf.
Morgan and Momma Morgan head to Bagdley Mishka (spelling?) for some cliche dress fittings for mom. The PR director is the one who is pulling dresses and it is such a staged event that it will merit no more lines of text- except to point out that Morgan is wearing earrings that resemble two untreated cysts.
You need to get those looked at before they burst on the lacy frocks
Jonny and Dorothy take a stair climbing class and Jonny snaps a selfie in the middle. They talk about Jonny’s burgeoning DJ CAREER. Oh no. No no no. I am not dealing with this delusion du jour. Jonny, what the world does not- and will never- need is another slob with headphones spinning short circuiting sound mixes for a crowd of vapid vamps. Go plant a tree. Visit a senior home and clean up the bedpans. Do something useful.
Now Morgan has gathered a lot of rich ladies around a table asking them to be a part of her bridal party- including Dorothy and Jonny. Everyone agrees that she should invite Roxy. Morgan disagrees. Trouble might be brewing because Morgan asks her BF from 7th grade to be her maid of honor. Dorothy is a little upset that she was not selected. Dorothy, you are a castmate first and friend second. Morgan has purchased a necklace for all of the girls but I cannot see the designer. Since it was not a close up, I assume she actually had to pay for them.
After commercials, Bianca and Dorothy are going to a cryotherapy session. This is another staged segment. Dorothy is still drunk from the night before. Bianca is a good photo taker. Bianca and Dorothy call each other adventure buddies. Dorothy brings up Quincy again. Um, is this not a relationship you need to dwell on but I guess it is the only thing they can make a plot this season. Bianca suggests a girls trip to NYC. Sure, why not? Dorothy says NYC is far away from Quincy and LA. Please do not stay long.
In yet another manufactured segment, EJ and Morgan take a tantra class in someone’s home. The instructor looks like she is 19. Morgan is very intrigued that someone can potentially touch her finger and make her orgasm. Asscot not doing it for you? They do some idiotic breathing exercises, and EJ turns into the lead singer of The Police. They proceed to have awkward gay/straight sex for 5 hours. No orgasms.
After this nonsense with zero release, Morgan gathers her bridesmaids in a hotel room to reveal the bridesmaid dresses. Is this honestly necessary? Dorothy shows up wearing a silver jumpsuit that looks like it is made of deflated Mylar balloons.
Oh Morgan, your taste is simply divine!
Dorothy tries the first on and Morgan loves it. BUT, after trying on the dress she has to immediately leave to go to NYC with Bianca. The rest of the girls just sit around nodding as Morgan complains while we go to commercials.
Does not look bad at all. No snark.
Over in the Big Apple, Dorothy and Bianca are walking around in stupid outfits.
What is this stupid hat with feathers?? Should have worn the bridesmaid dress
Dorothy reveals that she thinks Morgan is upset that she had to jet out early. Looks like they didnt fly private if they had to make a specific flight time.
EJ has invited another fabulous boy over to his apartment named Kyle. They have been friends for awhile. They cue up Vine or Periscope or InstaMoron and start performing. They blabber on about thread counts in sheets and…anal sex? Honestly, what is this crap?
Also, is that a fucking anchor chain around Kyle’s neck? Looks like shipping rope fashioned out of tin foil. Terrible.
In NYC, Dorothy, Bianca and some VERY gay Asian boy chill at “Minus 51” which I am pretty sure is a stupid touristy bar in Midtown’s Hilton Hotel where everything is made of ice. They take photos.
Morgan and Jonny are now at the spa. Morgan is getting a hand massage because she is stressed and needs it. How about a finger massage? That s where I flip this cast the bird for 2 hours and I feel less anxious and irritated. Morgan feels that Asscot is checked out of the wedding planning. YEAH because you make it all about yourself at every waking moment. Jonny is happy that he is only a guest. Then he says something smart: he says you can only turn on Bridezilla here and there and Morgan is doing it about 6 months too early.
Morgan is also upset because Dorothy is documenting her NYC vacation to a large extent while Morgan is toiling over details around the wedding. RIGHT, because it is YOUR wedding- not hers. And she is not the Maid of Honor so what is the big deal?
Back to the Big Apple for a segment where those lucky enough to be in my home town take an SUV to the middle of Times Square. The driver drops them off illegally on the left side of the median and they buy a dirty water dog to traipse over to a big surprise that Dorothy has cooked up. Turns out, she has arranged for a photo of Bianca and Dorothy from that morning’s Instagram to be on a lesser billboard between 8-9th ave on 42nd street. Trust me when I say that this is one of those signs most people would never notice. BUT it is kind of cool and of course Bianca has an over-excited moment in public. Dorothy hands her hot dog to some random person so she can take a photo on her phone screen of the photo on the big screen.
Jumping back to LA where we find EJ on Facetime with his dumb sister. First off, who cares about Elisa (sister)? EJ explains that she is also bi-coastal and is going to school in NY. I will GUARANTEE that it is either FIT or NYU. This segment is so needless. NEXT.
I wish I had not spoken so soon. The viewers now have to suffer through another photo shoot. This time it is for Jonny who is getting headshots to promote his… DJ business? Sorry, my mistake- I was under the impression that being a DJ was about MUSIC and not your insufferable personality and stupid stubbly face.
Morgan has assembled bridesmaides to look at table linens. Seriously. Can Morgan make any decisions without a crew? Even her mother is there. Dorothy arrives late, straight from the airport. Morgan is annoyed. So am I but not for the same reasons. Dorothy tells Morgan that she wants to help and be there but that Morgan is acting a little “bitchy” towards her. GOOD. Morgan cannot understand why putting all these pressures on her friends is making them irritated. Are she really that myopic and self-involved? I am not sure if I believe this. They do not end the conversation with resolution. #TENSION.
Over at some restaurant, Bianca is talking about her “emotional support companion,” i.e. her dog. Her mom Anna joins her. Anna looks fab for her age. BUT she reveals that Asscot asked one of her step brothers to be his best man. But Bianca is mad because Asscot and Jordan (step bro) made up a story that Bianca was a hooker and told her parents. She said it was really hurtful. Bianca and her brother have not spoken in two years. Yeah, I am sure it has nothing to do with some over dramatic garbage. And the episode is over. YAY.
For the emotionally fragile, a dog is a vessel
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, follow our TV parody boards on Pinterest, and get our daily microblogs on Tumblr!