EW – Good News Fellas
Emilia Clarke got nekkid again on Game of Thrones last night! Without spoiling anything, suffice to say the scene was on FIRE (hahaha kill me) and the rumors about the contractual kibosh on Khaleesi’s tig ole bitties are put to rest. Men of the world, rejoice. Also, maybe stop whining about the lack of nudity on this show and get back to PornHub – that’s what it’s here for, ya know. Anyboobs, Clarke did not use a body double last night, so kudos to her and big ups to TrimSpa, baby!
TMZ – SAVE SINEAD
Sinead O’Connor, Cranberries frontwoman, notable Pope hater, and Ireland’s misunderstood angry teenager national sweetheart, has gone missing outside of Chicago. According to those who saw her yesterday, she went out for a ride on a motorized bike with a pink basket, wearing a black parka, black sweatpants, and sweatshirt. She’s also feared to be suicidal, so police are looking out for her. I can’t make this sort of shit up, so basically let me say: we love you, Sinead! Please come back to us.
Perez Hilton – Journalist, Sexually Excitable Rhino Gather at USC
This weekend a lovely woman by the name of Maria Shriver had to endure four long hours next to her slimy steroid of an ex, AHNULDSHFUHZENNEGAH. The two were at USC to celebrate the graduation of their son Patrick. Arnold huffed around in the grass for a while panting and talking to his erection and occasionally reminding his son, or as he calls it “AH SOUVENEAH FROM ZAT VUN TYME EYE BONED YO MUDDAH” that he was proud of him. He’s allowed to be proud of the legitimate ones, anyway. Unfortunately, Turbo Man did not make an appearance. 
E! – Happy 50th, Ms. Jackson!
Janet Jackson is turning 50 today and she is a goddess and also pregnant so fuck you’re “can’t”s and “won’t”s. Janet Jackson is about to push another human life out of her majestic, half-century-old vessel. What have you ever done? Nothing, that’s what.
People – Hey! Look at Kathy’s Coat! Isn’t it Just So Hip? She Got it At Dress Barn.
Listen, Katie Gurl, we gotta have a talk you and me. Look, I know you’re busy with the kids and all and between your husband’s work dinners and stuff you just barely have time for you. But just because you’re a mom now doesn’t mean you need to dress like one. Remember when you and I went out to that gross bar on Bleecker Street and got kicked out for dancing on a table and then I met that French tourist and took him home while you ate falafel on the curb with that coke dealer? I remember, but this jacket certainly doesn’t. Burn it, Kate.
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