Welcome back, my sweet sweet trashies!
The Wall
Last week, Jon hung a bunch of people and then flounced off in a huff, depositing his Lord Commander jacket with poor Dolorous Edd. I thought he was going to sashay off into the night there and then, but apparently he was just having a hissy fit, because he’s still at the Wall and still whining. He wants to go south and get warm. Forget those white walkers.
Luckily, Jon stuck around and we avoided another absurd Stark near-miss. Unlike every other travel plot line, which have involved unspecified distances and infinite time, Sansa, Brienne and Pod make it to Winterfell post-haste. That means we finally have a Stark reunion. The laws of physics have been violated!
Jon and Sansa share a moment and a big ole hug. Remember, these two haven’t seen each other since the pilot, when Sansa headed south to King’s Landing and Jon went north to the Wall. They share some regrets – like maybe Sansa and Ned shouldn’t have launched themselves into a political hornet’s nest, and maybe Jon shouldn’t have dedicated himself to a life of celibacy just because he felt left out at family dinner. Maybe Sansa shouldn’t have followed in Catelyn’s footsteps by being such a dick to Jon just because he was a bastard. But all is forgiven now, and Jon even gives his little sis a beer. Aww.
The détente doesn’t last for long, as within minutes they’re arguing again. Sansa thinks it’s time for the Starks to rise up and take back Winterfell because bloodlines. Jon thinks it’s time for a nap because he’s already died once.
Methinks that Jon is being a pussy. Let’s do a quick side-by-side of what they’ve been through. Sansa was forced to watch her dad get beheaded, almost raped a bunch of times, betrothed to a psychotic boy king, smuggled away by a pedophile, abused by her aunt, watched her aunt get murdered, sold to another psychotic boy lord, then raped a bunch of times. Jon personally decided to join an all-boys celibate group at a cold isolated wall dedicated to killing things. He then had to kill things and was sad about it. Then he had an awesome girlfriend, but he chose to ditch her for his boys club and then she died and he was sad about even though it was totally his fault. He then got to be the boss for awhile, apparently sucked at it, and got stabbed. I’m thinking Sansa has had it worse – and yet she’s still ready to fight. That’s what I mean by GROW SOME OVARIES, Jon Snow.
If I could turn back time…
give sis beer
family conflict
That’s not the only awkward conflict floating around the castle. Melisandre has now pledged her loyalty to Jon. Apparently Stannis was never the right prince to follow, despite all those visions in the fire. Maybe Melisandre needs glasses.
oh she literally does.
Davos still doesn’t really know what happened to Stannis, but Brienne is there to jump in and fill him in. His army was destroyed, and then she executed him for the murder of Renly Baratheon. OOH! I knew that vagina ghost demon was going to come back to haunt us all. (Stannis still doesn’t know about the burning of Shireen, or her mom’s suicide. I don’t know if he ever will, since everyone who was there is dead except for Melisandre and she’s a bitch.)
Prissy Sansa may be long gone, but that doesn’t mean she’s enjoying this gentlemen’s club with their gruelly meat and creepy stares. Tormund makes meaty eyes at Brienne. HAHAHAHA I’m not sure if she’s vom-adjacent or she’s into it. (I’d be into it.)
I will take your meat if she doesn’t want it!
Dinner is spoiled by a letter from Ramsay, replete with threats and overusage of the word ‘bastard.’ Projecting much? He says he has Rickon, and that he’ll kill him and all the wilding refugees if Jon doesn’t send Sansa back.
PS, Jon has a man bun now and it’s NOT COOL.
THERE IS NO SOCCER AT THE WALL JON
Now that Rickon’s in the mix, Jon HAS to get involved. Because rape and torture of his sister just isn’t enough to really get him going! Even though Ramsay has more than twice the forces of the wildlings, Sansa thinks some of the superdelegates – I mean bannerman – will flip once Jon marches in.
The Vale
Remember Robyn, child of Lysa Arryn and adolescent suckler? Contrary to my fondest hopes, he has neither succumbed to breast milk withdrawal or been tossed out the Moon Door by his dear Uncle Petyr. No, he’s just hanging out, being shitty at archery and just as annoying as every other boy lord we’ve met. We immediately see that Littlefinger has Robyn in his pocket. First, Littlefinger brings Robyn a falcon, over which he loses his shit. When Lord Royce expresses suspicion about Sansa’s disappearance, hinting that maybe Littlefinger meant to bring her to Winterfell all along, Littlefinger shows his deep influence over Robyn; even though Robyn has known Lord Royce all his life and is evidently being raised by him, he’s willing to toss Royce out the Moon Door at a word from Littlefinger. Lord Royce has to backtrack quickly and suck up to Littlefinger. And when Littlefinger mentions Sansa’s plight, it just takes a nudge to get Robyn to agree to declare war on Ramsay Bolton to save his cousin.