DJ yells at everyone to come down for breakfast, and down comes Aunt Becky. The audience is pretty excited to see her, but not as much as when they see one of the dads. I guess this is her designated episode. DJ asks her how well she slept in the twins’ old bedroom. Wait, you mean that closet they wanted Ramona to sleep in? That’s how DJ treats her aunt? Bump one of the kids from their room and let her sleep there instead. Or better yet, DJ, give up your own room while you sleep in the gigantic room the baby has. Becky says that she was fine until Kimmy jumped in bed with her. Kimmy is both a snorer and a drooler. They bring up that bizarro morning talk show reunion Danny supposedly had last week without even attempting to explain why the hell Danny and Becky wouldn’t just be there together. Becky says that Jesse’s been busy with his job and she missed the kids, so that’s why she’s crashing at the house. She snatches the baby and for a second it looks like she’s just going to leave with him.
Lori Loughlin only agreed to come back if she got wardrobe that emphasized how hot she looks.
The screamer runs out saying there’s something super mega foxy awesome in the living room. There are a bajillion roses, which I guess the delivery service brought a hundred-man team to place them inside the house so artfully in the last five minutes. Jackson says he has no idea who they’re for, but he just signed as DJ. He says he’s getting better at her signature and thanks her for getting him out of gym. They don’t see a card, because the puppy took it. Kimmy assumes the roses must be from Rico Suave, since he recently got a tattoo of her on his butt. Stephanie assumes they must be for her from nobody. Becky asks if it could be for DJ, but she tries to downplay it by saying they only kissed once. Hey, last week you told the other ladies that you had made out. Becky suggests that it might be Steve, but Kimmy says he would probably send ham instead (you know, since being a big eater is his only defining trait).
One of these ladies definitely has a stalker.
Becky calls Steve and hands the phone to DJ. Steve assumes that Becky is having “another corn crisis,” which has to be a way to downplay how much hotter Becky is in her 50s than all three of the main ladies. I still don’t buy this whole idea of Steve being a fucking doctor, even if it’s one of the less prestigious areas. Wasn’t he kind of a dumb jock in the original show? Anyway, it wasn’t Steve, so I guess we know now what we are going to be following plot-wise. Becky decides to stay and investigate, because after 28 years, she is still married to a never-even-has-been “musician” who shows her nothing but contempt. DJ decides to rub salt in the wound by wrenching the baby away from her.
I’m sorry, are we supposed to be paying attention to anything Steve is saying? All I see is THAT FOOT.
Later, Lola comes in with Ramona, and says a barely audible, “hey, dude” to Jackson. Aunt Becky is awkwardly standing in the background for some reason. Ramona tries to tell Jackson that Lola is not into him because she called him dude. That means he has been friend-zoned. Are we really going into this friend-zone bullshit? Becky suggests he do something romantic to attract her. Ramona suggests getting Lola a horse. The other choice is to give her 1,000 red M&Ms, which seems much more doable for a middle schooler. I’m still totally not interested in whether Jackson and Lola happen.
Becky is standing in the back of this room so that she can scare the shit out of the kids later.
At DJ’s vet clinic, Matt brings over some coffee and says they need to talk about the kiss. He just blurts out that he likes her, but he can totally be professional if he needs to. I’m just glad somebody on this show even understands the concept of professionalism. DJ feels that it’s weird since they work together (correct), but doesn’t see the harm in one date (I do). Matt mentions the flowers he sent, and DJ immediately assumes that he sent the hundred million flowers. This means he 100% didn’t send them, and there’s a whole switcheroo about how he finds it a small gesture. Nope, it definitely wasn’t Matt. DJ backs out of the date by saying she has to go to the dentist. It’s super over the top and fake, but Matt seems to buy it.
Glad to know Matt can just abandon his job at the world’s busiest vet clinic to buy DJ some coffee.
Meanwhile, Jackson is counting out red M&Ms and wouldn’t you know he is one short of 1,000? How will he ever give Lola the stupid candy with one missing? He decides to hide a red Skittle in there. Riveting. Downstairs, Stephanie is calling one of the guys she has talked to in the past month, and he didn’t send the flowers, either. Becky walks out to comfort Stephanie the very second she hangs up, so I guess she was standing by the door, eavesdropping. Oh, wait, she outright says that’s what she was doing. Stephanie gets a text and says it’s from her husband. Dun, Dun, DUN! No, it’s actually her kindergarten husband, Harry Takayama, a character I’m sure nobody remembers, which is why they play the whole scene from the original show. Harry’s text references sending her something, so Stephanie and Becky assume he’s the secret admirer. Harry is prone to grand gestures every few years, but Stephanie won’t give him the time of day. There’s some more dialog switcheroo, when Stephanie says he was fun in bed, which is to say when they jumped on the bed. Kill me. Becky invites Harry over.
Jackson might need an intervention.
Max finds the tub of M&Ms and the super cheesy note for Lola asking if she will hang out with him on Saturday. Max assumes it’s for him, because he has never seen a movie in his short life, and grabs a handful of candy. Downstairs, the doorbell rings, and it’s Rico Suave. He walks in and sucks face with Kimmy. She thanks him for the roses, and Rico claims responsibility for them once he finds out there isn’t a note. Max runs in as they’re kissing. He’s hyper because he’s eaten all of the candy.
I can totally see how Max would think this note was for him, since brothers are always saying how much they like each other.
Upstairs, Becky has gone full baby crazy and gives DJ a full baby fashion show. And they make a point of describing every outfit and showing DJ’s reactions. I don’t know if this is really happening or I just had one too many shots of tequila while watching this. DJ tells Becky that Matt sent the roses, and goes on a monologue about how she’s still going to date him even though she thinks the flowers are creepy.
I think staying overnight at the house has fucked with Becky’s brain.
Jackson walks into his room to find an empty candy tub and his note checked off. Seriously? He can’t possibly believe she ate all that shit in one sitting. Wrong. He walks into Ramona’s room as she’s talking to Lola about getting makeovers and frozen yogurt for free at the mall. Jackson calls Lola his boo. Who even says that? He embarrasses himself by asking Lola about hanging out with him on Saturday when she clearly isn’t talking about the same thing. To make matters worse, Max runs in and tells Jackson how excited he is for Saturday.
Lola wonders what Jackson is doing here as the restraining order that she got after Ramona’s party is still in effect.
Max runs off and starts jumping on the bed, and the girls follow. Jackson yells at Max about how the note and the red M&Ms weren’t for him, they were for Lola. She is impressed that he knows she loves them. She asks how he knew, and Ramona says she told him. Jackson finally asks her directly if she wants to go the mall, and she accepts, since there’s going to be a “group hang” there. Oh, and Max can come, too. Sad trombone. The puppy runs in with Ramona’s shoe, and the kids discover his dog-cave under the bed. I’m sure that’s not going to be relevant to the plot or anything.
How the fuck did they not see all this shit under the bed?
Downstairs, Stephanie is dressed like the world’s dowdiest lawyer to see Harry. She announces to DJ and Kimmy that Harry sent the roses, at the same time as Kimmy says Rico and DJ says Matt. The doorbell rings and in comes Rico. He makes a completely overt Simpsons reference to everything coming up Milhouse. You shut your mouth, Rico Suave! Matt walks in soon after. He has spent his entire evening checking dentists to see if DJ was there, because dentist offices typically tell creepy men about their patients’ appointments. Finally, Harry walks in, who, by the way, is not even played by the same actor, so why bother bringing such an obscure character back? He’s an accountant, because he’s Asian. This show owes an apology to Japan now, too, even though Harry is American.
Stephanie just made it over here from job at Dillards for this announcement, and DJ stole her thunder!
Becky sits all three of the dudes down and interviews them gameshow-style. Matt admits to sending flowers, but not the roses. Harry says he didn’t send them, so Rico Suave takes the opportunity to lie again and say that he did. Just then, Max walks in with the puppy’s dog-cave collection, and you guessed it, the note is there. Rico feels the pressure and admits the lie. Kimmy still seems totally into getting boned by him later, though. Matt says he just sent her two sunflowers, since he didn’t want to be creepy. Harry’s text referred to his wedding invitation. Hahahahahaha! There you go, Stephanie! He’s getting married, and you got dressed up like the Harry Potter candy lady for no reason.
Worst Three Stooges act ever.
Becky laments that they haven’t found the secret admirer, and Jesse walks in. Of fucking course. Because Jesse only has two romantic settings: useless oaf or over the top clown. He gets all sappy with Becky about falling in love with her all over again, which is just enough for Becky to get a ladyboner. He “whisks her off” to San Jose, and she makes some reference to fucking, because John Stamos is contractually obligated to say an old catchphrase when he makes an appearance. Twist! The reference to fucking was actually her real concern about transporting those flowers home.
And she instantly forgets what a shitty husband he is.
Later, the three main women are drowning their sorrows in wine. Stephanie seems the most upset out of all of them. DJ has had too much wine, because she starts to get all sappy about how it’s her first date since her husband died. I hate how they keep trying to shoehorn in these melodramatic moments when the show’s tone is so cheesy. I don’t feel bad for mocking it, because I find it super cheap and hackneyed writing. And they all stole roses from their aunt. And that’s the end of this episode.
They toast to not being married to Uncle Jesse.
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