Previously on Teen Mom 2:
- Leah got an extra day of the week, against everyone’s better judgment.
- Javi declared Isaac the man of the house before leaving.
- Adam talked shit about Chelsea for asking for more child support, and then didn’t even bother to show up for the hearing.
- Jenelle thought she’d be able to continue to withhold Kaiser from his father.
Chelsea
Cole shows the world he is manly by building some shelves. Chelsea wants to learn how to use a handsaw, so Cole demonstrates it to her. She is tentative at first, but manages to saw one board without injuring anyone. She quickly loses interest after the one try. Chelsea tells Cole about how Aubree says that she can’t see cards that her teacher holds up at school because they’re blurry. She laments how young Aubree is to start wearing glasses. Hey, at least she got a few good years beforehand, unlike poor Ali who has been wearing glasses since birth. She’s inexplicably sad about this. Glasses are super normal, Chels, calm down. They have a Jason Aldean concert that weekend, and Chelsea intends to wear a bandanna top and booty shorts. Odd choice. Cole asks if he should go naked.
This was the day that they said goodbye to Cole’s fingers.
Chelsea and friends are getting ready for the concert. Cole is dressed as America, I guess, in a vest he probably borrowed from Mary. Chelsea baby-talks to Cole, asking him for a beer. The girls are all teased hair and tight jeans, and Cole tells Chelsea she looks stunning. They have backstage passes, because Jason Aldean would not miss the opportunity to appear on a third-rate MTV reality show. Chelsea tells Cole she’s going to have him sign her “vag.” Cole reacts the same way America would if faced with that statement. They meet Jason Aldean, who wants to make this as quick and painless as possible. He is this close to asking them for his MTV paycheck directly.
I am getting way too much of a kick out of watching Laura vigorously bronze her boobs.
Jason keeps his face in shadow the whole time. He just wants that sweet, sweet MTV money.
Chelsea, who refuses to give up her plaid hat, brings Aubree to the eye doctor’s office where her buddy Chelsey works. The doctor asks to dilate her eyes, and Aubree is not into it. Get ready for a massive tantrum. Aubree kicks the camera man. I doubt the poor doctor was ready for this. She hands the eye drops to Chelsea, but Aubree runs away from her. She eventually settles down, and while they are waiting for dilation, Chelsea scolds her about running around in the office. The doctor comes back to check on Aubree and sends her with Chelsey to pick a toy. She tells Chelsea that Aubree needs glasses because her left eye is far-sighted. They pick out pink frames, because of course they do.
Watching Aubree’s tantrums makes my ovaries shrivel up and want to die.
Aubree’s new look.
Jenelle
Jenelle and David are at a restaurant, and she tells him that she’s supposed to get Jace for the weekend, but Barbara asked her to pick him up the next day out of convenience. That Barb, always making thing so purposefully hard for Jenelle. It’s not like she has a job and someone else’s child to raise. Oh, wait. David is totally enabling Jenelle, calling Barbara ridiculous, because she never wants her to see Jace and won’t let her have him on holidays. He insists for the 20th time that she needs to get custody. Jenelle gets all excited, saying if she gets custody of him soon, they will move. Dude, you’re never getting him back. Erase that possibility from your mind.
What a fancy establishment with its Arnold Schwarzenegger quotes. In case you’re curious, it says, “Milk is for babies. When you grow you have to drink beer.”
Jenelle asks David if Nathan has texted recently, and his phone text settings are awful—cursive white font on a bright blue background. Nathan told David via text that they’re not dropping the charges, so Jenelle can’t get away with something for the millionth time. Jenelle still manages to blame Nathan, since he brought Jessica with him. Uh, he didn’t make you throw a cup at her head. They’re still operating on the bizarre logic that the only reason Jenelle isn’t letting Nathan see Kaiser is that he won’t confirm whether he has baby things. Please.
Jenelle narrates about how she hopes to get Jace soon, as we watch Kaiser fall off the couch in her care. At Barbara’s, she is interrogating Jace about the situation at Jenelle’s. Jace says they just sit there all day watching videos. He adds that they don’t do anything out and about anymore because Jenelle wants to sleep all day. Jace is kind of a little psychopath sometimes, with a tendency to exaggerate, but his description of Jenelle seems pretty accurate. Barb probes into it some more and infers from Jace’s story that Jenelle and David are banging all day every day, leaving the kids completely unsupervised. She refuses to let Jace stay with Jenelle except for one night. At Jenelle’s, Jace is begging his mother to take out the X-Box, his only true friend since they banned Coke. Jenelle seems to be in one of her moods, and she and David send the kids out to play.
If you think Kaiser is about to fall on his face, you guessed right.
The next day, the kids are playing outside unsupervised when Barbara arrives to pick Jace up. She heads into the house, yelling about the kids being alone, but Jenelle refuses to open the door. Y’all, she has to be doing drugs again. This is bizarre behavior even for her. David heads out with Kaiser and tells Barb that Jenelle doesn’t want to talk. If this is David’s strategy for Jenelle to get Jace, it is stupid. David tries to kick Barb out of “his house,” and Barb and I both scoff at the same time. He says that her yelling at their parents in front of the kids is child abuse. And what’s leaving your kids out in the driveway unsupervised, genius? Barb says he’s the one who has pending domestic violence charges, and David replies that he’s never been accused of that. I call bullshit.
Barbara is this close to collecting all the children in the house and taking them with her.
David calls 911, saying that Barbara invaded their house without permission and is making him look like a bad father in front of his kids. I’m sure the police have nothing better to do than handle this. He shuts the door in Barbara’s face, and she leaves, yelling that she’s going to charge him with assault for this, and that David is the worst boyfriend Jenelle has ever had. That is quite the statement, considering her past boyfriends include Kieffer, who was homeless at one point. The police show up, and Barbara explains what happened to them. I’m sure they just told her she needed to leave to diffuse the situation, because David backs down to just saying he wants her to leave rather than accusing her of child abuse.
Yeah, officer, and then she called me the worst boyfriend her daughter’s ever had. Hurt my feelings!
Barb asks Jace why Jenelle didn’t want to talk to her. Like the poor child is even able to tell what his mom is thinking. Jenelle calls and Barb puts in on speaker. I realize this is because she’s driving, but maybe the two children in the back seat don’t need to hear this. Jenelle keeps repeating that she didn’t want to talk to Barbara and is embarrassed to have had the cops called to her house. I’m sure the cops know Jenelle’s address by heart. Jenelle lists out the deal: David doesn’t have pending charges, and Jenelle doesn’t want to deal with Barb except unless it pertains to Jace. Barbara tells Jenelle she is worried about her (mental) health because she’s not acting like herself. Jenelle describes her diet and workout regimen, as if anyone was talking about that. She hangs up on Barb. Jace tells Barb they shut themselves up in the room all the time and constantly complain about Jace being around.
Barb and I are both shocked that Jenelle is still capable of feeling embarrassed.
Kailyn
Kailyn has her hands full with Lincoln, who not only continues to say the word puta, but also keeps hitting Isaac. Javi Facetimes with his friend Darius. They like to call each other dog a lot. Javi says he barely gets a night sleep because he’s constantly checking his phone. Darius asks Javi how Kail’s doing, and he says he’s called up Gigi, Kim, and Peach, who I presume are his favorite Mario Kart characters, and asked them to take her on a girls’ night out. Darius approves of Javi’s showing of appreciation.
Javi’s so much more intimate with this guy than with Kail.
Since Javi was nice enough to pay for their girls’ night, Kail and her Mario Kart friends decide to bake him cookies to send overseas. It doesn’t seem to be going well, because Kail pulls a giant hair out of the batter, since none of them have their hair up. Those will be some nice cookies for your husband. Why don’t you just tell him to go fuck himself to his face? The cookies end up a giant mess. It’s hard for me to swallow that Kail has managed to raise two children but can’t bake fucking cookies. If you’re that bad, why didn’t you decide to make him something else?
Mmmm…. Delicious.
The girls head to an Italian restaurant, where there are flowers waiting for all of them. The friends note that there’s a bottle of wine on Javi, so they can enjoy dinner and drinks as if he were there. Kail points out that he wouldn’t take them out if he were there. One of the friends asks how she’s handling it without Javi’s dick around. Kail says she’s covered, because she has sex toys. They talk about those for a minute, but I am not revisting that. It was bad enough to hear it the one time. Javi apparently asks her for naked pictures all the time. I can’t handle this discussion.
Did you forget you were on camera or something?
The girls spend the night at Kailyn’s and want to sleep in, but Kail decides to wake up early with the kids to Facetime with Javi. So nice of her to talk loudly on the phone on speaker while her friends are trying to sleep in. Kail thanks him for the night out, especially the flowers for everyone. Javi knows that the way to thaw Kail’s icy heart is through her friends. Javi tells her he feels like he’s in prison. He and Kail are having a hard time figuring out how to keep conversations light when he’s so depressed about being away. Isaac show’s up to talk to Javi, and Lincoln pushes him away. Maybe Jace isn’t the only little psycho on this show anymore.
Lincoln slaps the shit out of Isaac.
There’s a bonus scene with Kail and her friends where they fail at opening a bottle of wine. And Kail can’t pronounce pinot noir. She needs to watch some Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, that word would never leave her head.