Last week, the psychic channeled twelve angry dead men, most named John. Dorinda yelled at Ramona then yelled at John for not listening to her yell about Ramona. Luann confronted Ramona who deflected with an impromptu Leggs commercial and Sonja debuted her new prosecco, Tipsy Girl. Jules was still Asian. Jules is also Jewish.
For some reason, this Luann and Sonja roommate plot takes two steps forward and then MC Skat Cats back in time. One week Luann is living there, the next she’s talking about moving in, the next episode she’s been clogging the toilets with turquoise for months and the next she’s just moving in with her hobo bindle. Whatever the time frame, Sonja has decided that she no longer wants Luann splashing biological samples throughout her daughter’s room. She gives her the upstairs apartment and calls it a B&P instead of B&B. The apartments golden shower legacy will live on a little longer.
Sonja explains that the elevator, like Luann’s dates, goes straight up so no one will be disturbed. Luann tries to tell Sonja to sell her house but Sonja has pride and refuses to rent. Luann’s rationale is that she plans to be whisked away and doesn’t want to be tied down to a place. Unless the place is a bed post or Statue of Liberty, then she’s game. Luann brings up the product launch and we get our 15th flashback in the first three minutes of the show. Peter was developing liquor line and has a restaurant for distribution so Sonja thought the business was a good idea. Luann says Sonja is naive to not have asked Bethenny about the business name first. Sonja says Pierre trademarked the name and she doesn’t plan on being a mogul anyway. By the way, Sonja is having this conversation while dressed in a bearskin rug she stole from the Rothschchilds. Luann asks if she can get some heat. Ha! She wants heat? Wait til she sees that her shower is just a Latvian immigrant hosing her down on the balcony.
A necklace of balls. How apropos.
Ramona, Carol and Bethenny meet for gossip disguised as dinner. Ramona chair isn’t tall enough to look down on the staff so she has one of them drag another one over from the bar. She insists that Carole switch hers as well but this is a woman with an iPod, MetroCard and a boy toy who probably worked at this very same restaurant until she rescued him. These are her people. Ramona orders all of the food because she’s Mario. Bethenny announces that she’s not eating because she’s eating later. What kind of self-hating rationalization and planning is that? You eat always, everywhere, at all times. Anyway, Ramona isn’t getting any friendship bracelets this summer cuz she calls Sonja’s businesses cockamamie bullsh*t.
Bethenny: How did you say a four syllable word without short circuiting?
The Tipsy Girl product ended up on Page Six and Bethenny feels she’s riding her coattails. Ugh, duh! You think Sonja would ever pay for her own Zip Car when she can ride a size zero neck brace to the bank? Bethenny’s partners were pissed and think Sonja knows exactly what she’s doing. Bethenny calls her narcissistic which makes no sense because being thin, drunk, pretentious and narcissistic are basic requirements of being cast as a New York housewife. People throw that word around way too much but I really think it fits all of them with Sonja being the least of them all. Sure she has some traits but more than that, she’s a sad relic of what she used to be and she’s trying to crawl her way back into the upper echelons of society in which she once teetered. A true narcissist would never admit this shortcoming as she does later in the episode. Bethenny says she’s never deliberately come for anybody and they shouldn’t come for her. What she’s trying to say is:
“Don’t come for me unless I send for you.”
Dorinda and Ramona meet at Sarabeth’s for brunch.
“Ugh, you can still smell the breakfast crowd.”
Dorinda decides to get pumpkin pancakes and the waiter offers a pumpkin waffle instead.
“I trusted that waiter and he switched my order to a waffle?! I’m heartbroken. I loved him like a landscaper!”
Ramona talks about Sonja some more and Dorinda thinks perhaps Ramona has changed since she and Sonja are having issues with her. Forget about that drunken floozy, Ramona wants to know if the drunken floozies at brunch are as solid as the floors that support John. Dorinda says yes but she asks Ramona to be more supportive even if it’s phony. Ramona brags that she said hi to him the other day and even made eye contact like she’s Chunk and he’s Sloth.
Bethenny gets to her office and as usual, she talks way too much about things her employees don’t want to hear in less time than they want to hear it. In under seventeen seconds we learn that she had a twelve hour date, enjoyed it, went to sleep at 4AM and thinks she’s going to die and have diarrhea over this Sonja confrontation. The only woman in history, besides Sonja, who knew less about the sh*tstorm she was walking into: