Well. Here we are. Another episode of Southern Charm that appears to have been edited by gerbils running on keyboards, or in our case, just possibly someone whose hair reminds me of a gerbil pelt glued to his head whose name rhymes with “shit bee”. A few housekeeping items—first, again, the comments stood on point this week. From Bitchy Fluff to the 4-1-1 on Shit Bee’s “rental” (that one caused me to bust out), it was a beacon of perfection. And after this episode, sorry commenter, I may not love Kathryn, but I sure as shit hate her less than the others in this collection. Second, I finally sat and watched Ultrasuede, Whitney’s… piece, and watching the great Andre Leon Talley roll his eyes so hard he saw skull made the price of Amazon Prime rental worth it. Whitney mumbles and changes outfits constantly, drives around in a Burt Reynolds-esque Smokey and the Bandit car (I’m not kidding), and generally makes himself look like a grade A donkey, particularly when his cell phone tootles Dixie while at lunch interviewing Mr. Talley, aka, someone who probably easily remembers separate drinking fountains. Having said that, the movie wasn’t the abortion I thought it would be, because it had a lot of cool archival footage. Paftan is in it (of course- that bitch would probably sit in a chair watching him take a shit if she could, calling it “absolute perfection”). I figured I would take one for the team. You can all thank me later. Another reason you can thank me? This episode features two subjects MissKitty ranks as her least favorite subjects ever and forever amen: Child birth, and vomit. If confronted with either, MissKitty would make Forrest Gump’s run out of the forest look like a slug, breaking through any walls on the way like the goddamn Kool Aid pitcher. HATE. HATE. HATE. It’s becoming so that the only reality show MissKitty feels “safe” enough to watch anymore is Antiques Road Show. Jesus fuck. On that note- onward.
Cooper and Kathryn are meeting up at a Day Spa, and I swear, I don’t know if it’s just me, but I really enjoy these two together. I would watch a whole episode of them at a Day Spa, talking.
Ahhhh. Count me in
JD and Thomas are dicking around on Thomas’s polo ponies, while again I marvel at the calm acceptance of their ponies having balls and mallets swinging by their faces, as men quickly shift their weight and the ponies compensate—at a gallop. MissRuby hates things flying next to her face, noises behind her, the wind, molecules, and basically everything in existence, because it’s humid, she’s in heat, and I’m the one removing every ounce of joy from her life.
MissRuby- Watch and Learn
We zoom over to LA, where Whitney is preparing food for his teenager. I looked up Larissa and wow, she’s been on a lot of reality tv. She won Austria’s Next Top Model, was on Germany’s Next Top Model, their version of Dancing With the Stars, and has basically been a working model. But Kathryn is the fame whore. Just so we’re all on the same page. Crickets.
Yes, she’s very… um..tall
They discuss Shep and Craig coming, and Whitney misuses what sounds like “reproach”—dude. PLEASE BUY A THESAURUS. They mock Craig buying a promise ring for Naomie, because they’re the only ones who get to comment on personal decisions that don’t concern them.
Kathryn is getting her first facial (somehow I’m not totally sure I believe that HEY-OHHHH) and Cooper is getting his feet worked on (with what looks like a scotch—does Cooper ever do anything with Kathryn sober?).
“Oh are you talking? I need a sip”
Kathryn compares the new baby with having Thomas around with Kensie and admits she still hopes that they can work out their life. Cooper, and everyone in the world, points out that Thomas is a 50-year-old playboy, and it didn’t work the first time. He tells he he doesn’t want to make her cry, but he’s skeptical of it working out. He sweetly says he has faith in her. Glad someone on this show does. Her devotion to Thomas is both pathetic and frustrating.
JD and Thomas have some of JD’s bourbon post-ride, and they talk about the baby being induced earlier than expected. JD sees this as a red flag, and brings up the idea of a paternity test, saying that Kathryn was dating other people around the same time as Thomas.
UGH. This is so gross
Thomas says he feels like he’s fulfilling the obligation of carrying on the Ravenel name—um… What fucking century are we in now? Newsflash::::: Kensie may keep her last name, or the new one may not ever marry or breed. GASP FALL FAINT.