Welcome back trashies! For those of you keeping up with the show, Bravo has recently decided that those of us who view the show on their website instead of live (so, everybody) deserve to see the show the day after it airs instead of the one week later nonsense they pulled at the beginning of this season.
Previously on Thicker than Water: Britney wants a baby and Jewel and Ben are still in love and gross with each other. Me thinks a vow renewal is afoot and that always bodes well for reality show marriages. So, yay!
This week opens with Jewel calling Ben “masser”… Gag. And also wtf?
In other news: Cyrene is home again and complaining about always having to be at home. Girl, I wish I could complain about getting to act sassy and get a paycheck while also missing school. Sounds rough! And also: not a compulsory activity.
Ben and Jewel have been married for 15 years (in a row!) and Ben wants a surprise vow renewal. Women love when you plan big events for them, don’t include them in the decision making, and don’t tell them what to wear in the pictures that they will have forever.
As the family packs for their huge family vacation, Jewel beats her girls into getting married.
The most normal vacation vehicle… (It includes rented out ad space on the mud flaps… #billionaires)
Those in the daughter car in the caravan to Chattanooga discuss important matters:
Cyrene: I was super sheltered before college.
Brooklyn: “Who was your first piece of D?”
Brintey: Yep, our dad is a pastor.
In the Marcus car, Mrs. Marcus displays personality by pouring water on Brooklyn’s daughter, who is in the Marcus car and not her mother’s, apparently because her mother is too inappropriate for her to ride two hours with.
Benji seems to be not joining the vacation. I’m assuming he does not have a dealer in Chattanooga.
The family, on a two hour drive, stops at a rest stop to fight. They couldn’t make it one hour in cars together.
They didn’t need a rest, they needed the opposite. Being calm in a car for an hour was too much.
Britney doesn’t understand why everyone isn’t pumped about her impending hypothetical child. Brooklyn is now in Jewel and Ben’s car. They are thrilled:
My least favorite child.
The worst!
The family arrives at the cabin and it looks nice-ish.
Mrs. Marcus: SEE? I even let the drunk college kid hold my baby.
There is some fake family dancing and singing and it is horrible. I turned the sound off because the combination of fake family fun and doing anything for screen time is upsetting.
Benji shows up in the morning to have a conversation with his parents.
Brooklyn physically cannot not be a part of everything.
Ben announces to the “juveniles” that he plans to have a vow renewal with Jewel. They aren’t that thrilled. Marcus normally specializes in funerals and Brooklyn is rarely keen on things that don’t directly involve her. Cyrene is again holding the blessed child Micah. It seems that Cyrene is the chosen one, baby-holding wise.
Next, it’s time for the typical Bravo outing: zip-lining! According to Bravo, all people do on vacation is zip-line. I think the execs secretly hope someone crashes into a tree for the added drama.
Pastor Marcus helpfully identifies doing a number three as praying while doing a number two and a number one. I’m sure god loves that.
A good old fashioned rolling down a hill contest. At this point I’m convince that this family completely pays for the show themselves.
We are made to believe that this renewal is a surprise, but everyone is loudly talking about it and Jewel is a terrible actress.
Brooklyn announces that she will be the “matron in honor.” She literally possesses zero of the qualifications for that position. Not a married lady, no honor.
Micah loves Aunt Cyrene. Grow into a sassy man, young one, grow!
This child is so cute I can’t even. In fact, no one can even after looking at his face.
Ben gets down on one knee and proposes the vow renewal.
Benji wears his fanciest T-Shirt.
Ben tells Jewel to shut up and save her blubbering for the marriage ceremony. Cyrene, the child of record, finds it to be an acceptable ceremony, despite the great inconvenience of coming home for this (paycheck) vacation.
Brooklyn declares that her fight with Britney is over with. This is news to Britney and she does not agree. Riveting. Britney wants to have a conversation, not be forced to be happy by her weirdo family. Amen, lady.
That’s all for now folks. Next week we get to see Marcus’s tie fashion show. Woohoo? See you all then.