Last week, Sonja was ejected from the Berkshires trip like Inspector Gadget. Luann presented Tom and his round brilliant head to the cameras. Dorinda cleaned up mountains of dog poop and Bethenny mocked her twin, Luann for trying to be a Big Brother, Big Sister to Sonja and claiming to have invented alcohol.
The producers put a 3:40PM time stamp on the bottom of the screen. It’s like they’re telling Twitter people to start doing thumb exercises. Bethenny and Luann are still arguing about the name Skinnygirl. We see the footage and Luann happened to be there when Bethenny said”it’s a skinny girl’s margarita”. Luann said something like ‘I like that. A skinny girl margarita.’ That apostrophe “s” has made a hundred million dollar difference to Bethenny so I can’t blame Luann for trying to get a twenty.
“I would’ve taken a pack of Newports. Just give me something man.”
Luann changes the subject and asks who Bethenny is dating. That is the worst segue ever. It’s worse than the literal Segway. What woman wants to open up about her personal life when you’ve just yelled at each other for ten minutes? Bethenny won’t divulge anything because she’s scared Luann will mount him like a Naeem Kahn dress.
Bethenny moves over to talk to Ramona, who just a few weeks ago she was leery of because she always burns her, and starts to talk crap about Luann. Did I mention Luann is about four Virginia Slims away from them? She hears everything! Luann says that she has problems with everyone and mentions for the third time that they have the same hair.
Carole walks in, dressed in her very best Boy Scout casual wear, and says that she hears Bethenny arguing with a man but it’s just Luann. It was kind of funny until she ruined it and called her LuMann. That needs to be retired. I propose a vote for a new, insulting nickname. I’m between Luann Diamond Phillips and Luanna Mann. Thoughts?
Bethenny accuses Luann of going after Tom knowing that he dated Ramona. Luann says their relationship wasn’t romantic. Keep in mind that this is the same woman who only refers to a man as her lover if he leaves a tip at the end of the night. Ramona says they went on seven dates. Yes, she counts dates and I now truly believe that she’s based on a Beverly Cleary character. Luann doesn’t care what happened before her.
Luann: It’s my vag and my antibiotic resistant bacteria! I’ll share it with whomever I want.
Ramona says she could have asked her first but Luann maintains that she doesn’t have to ask her. Now that Ramona’s got her claws in Luann, Bethenny escapes to greet Carole.
Meanwhile, Ramona tells Luann that she approached Tom at a hotel while they were dating and said that she was “next”. I can’t think of a more fitting term because this cast is straight out of MTV’s Next. The all wait their turn and the longer they can hang onto a man, the more money and screen time they get. Bethenny’s friend ratted Luann out and Luann scoffs indignantly at the thought of Bethenny having friends. Ramona says she should have asked first cuz it’s “GIRL CODE!”, twirls and marches off into the sunset. Or her dog’s poop. Mostly her dog’s poop.
Carole and Dorinda have a sanity huddle and Carole says she wouldn’t have gone if she knew Luann was going. The huddle is officially less sane because we all heard Dorinda tell her tough titties, Luann is coming. Carole doesn’t want to be in the same house as Luann and Dorinda offers to get her a hotel. The John-less, coke-less, vodka-less Dorinda is such a gem. Carole declines anyway. She just wanted to dip her toe in the crazy sauce.
You know times are hard when Bethenny starts talking to an Asian. Also, how come some weeks Jules is all about the Asian and other weeks she’s all about the Jewish? It’s like she bases her ethnicity on food choices. Bethenny just keeps repeating herself about her annoyance with Luann. She’s like a crazy prophet who knows the world is ending but she can’t get it out so she just keeps talking about sexual proclivities and shivers. Luann walks through the room like she’s a G.L.O.P. Girl, Gorgeous Ladies of Pompousness, ready to defend her title. She repeats her hair comment and Jules offers that Bethenny is the new Jenifer Aniston.
“That idiot believed me. Everyone knows she’s Monica.”
Bethenny literally walks away the instant Jules ceases to be a silent, dull piece of feng shui’d furniture and hunts down Luann. Luann says Bethenny wants to be like her. Bethenny, for the record, doesn’t want to play Grey Gardens, stay out until 5:00AM, party and pretend to be something she’s not. She should though. Seriously, whatever Luann is doing seems way more fun than what Bethenny’s got going on here.