Hello to the Rolls Royce of readership and my Cadillac commentators. I have been having a BMW type of day and honestly, not even a smudge on my Bentley will get me down. My positive attitude is due to the latest tax loophole my accountant discovered, saving me enough per year to buy a new Aston Martin. I already have 6 Aston Martin’s and do not need another one, but it is nice to know I have the free cash in case I want to up my collection beyond a half dozen. With that said, let’s see what the destitute denizens of Beverly Hills have been up to since we last saw them.
Volunteering at a school for disadvantaged youth? Nah, mostly shopping and eating out.
The episode launches not in #VEGAS but in a Williams Sonoma where Asscot, Morgan and Momma Morgan (who seems to be intruding into every fact of wedding planning and registry registering) are looking at cookware. They want copper cookware which is naturally the most expensive. Asscot says he loves the store and could look at “cookpots” all day. Morgan calls him on his dumb terminology. Asscot argues with Morgan that she should buy (or, rather, force their friends and family to purchase) a copper gravy bowl, the argument being that on Thanksgiving Morgan may want to make gravy. Christ, I went to graduate journalism school to write about Morgan and possible gravy making. Pardon me as I go jump out of the window.
The whole point is to have Momma Morgan ask about Vegas. They said it was fun and spill the beans about the aborted elopement. Her mom is very nervous. Yeah because then they could not request copper cookpots.
Now for something seriously mouth watering: Dorothy’s Birkin collection, which she is getting appraised. EJ is there because he can smell good leather and will come scooting over in his oversized Mercedes SUV if Hermes is involved. This is the kind of shit that is ridiculously over the top and why I love Dorothy. They highlight a couple bags and as the guy totals everything up, they chat about Vegas. Bianca still has not apologized. Dorothy says that Bianca was showing up and showing out, and that she was the last person who needed a bodyguard. HA!
The guy gives her an insurance total of $250,000 which is actually low given the amount of purses on the table and that one was $80,000. Another one happened to smell like weed (a “skunk Birkin”) but did not have any herb inside. Whatever.
Eenie Meenie Minie Expensive
And now for something insufferable. Two farts in one. Egg fart Bianca meets with Trumpet fart Jonny. Jonny sent over a bottle of vodka and some roses because he felt bad about what happened in Las Vegas. Bianca, who has a rotten sulfur like odor about her, takes it to mean that she was right and that Jonny treated her badly. Which, he most certainly did not. Sure, he DJed poorly, but he was perfectly fine with her on the trip.
Bianca does not know how to open a champagne bottle because, and this is a direct quote, “the people do it for you.” Jonny shows her how to open it and with a subtle pop, and a Fiddler on the Roof reference (TRADITION!), bubbly is poured. I laughed. Anyway, Bianca then says she took a commercial flight home from Vegas! THE HORROR. She still does not understand that calling Dorothy fucking Wang delusional is a bad idea. Look Bianca, she has a quarter million dollar Birkin collection. Pick your battles. Jonny calls her out again on having security and when asked if he travels with protection, replies “No, I am not David Beckham!” HA!!
Bianca has now gone coco loso loco! She says that Dorothy showed up at 2am wasted with a coco loso asking her to party but that was after the red carpet, after the club and everything. So I guess it sounds like Bianca missed out on promotional photos with the cast and was mad. She is really mad at Dorothy and calls her a monster. Jonny is quick to check her.
Jonny is having a DJ show in NYC at the Highline Ballroom and wants Bianca to come. She agrees. STOP BRINGING BIANCA TO NEW YORK. I already checked with everyone here, no one really needs her around.
Speaking of delusional, here comes Morgan meeting with her publicist. Her fucking publicist. I cannot tell if Chelsea is an administrative assistant because she schedules her appointments but also finds opportunities for her. Morgan is coming to NYC to try on her wedding dress and, while she is here, Chelsea scheduled a meeting with Jennifer Weiner who wrote “In Her Shoes.” This meeting is important because Morgan is getting ready to publish her first book called…wait for it…”Boobs, Loubs and Blowjobs.” This is one classy idiot, ladies and gentlemen. Asscot, she is all yours.
Morgan is excited and wants to be the voice of her generation. Not going to happen. Chelsea is like a beta seal, clapping and barking compliments at her shiny alpha client across the table. Morgan and Dorothy go to a feminist bookstore to learn more about Jennifer Weiner. The owner rolls her eyes when Morgan asks if she knows who Jennifer is. HA! They grab a couple books and it is basically an excuse to hear about Morgan’s previous relationship where the guy broke her heart into a million pieces. Shattered.
Anyway, now we are at Asscot’s abode to get fitted for custom tuxedos for the groomsmen, a group that includes SAACHI who never met a deep v-neck or awful denim shirt he would not rock.
Oh look, it is Strand from Fear the Walking Dead
One of his groomsmen, David (who Asscot helpfully clarifies that he sometimes calls Dave) compliments Morgan’s tits and is very amped up for the bachelor party. They agree on some desert adventure, surprising the rest of the bachelor party participants.
Cut to the Big Apple and back to Bagdley Mishka where Morgan is meeting the designers and trying on her dress. #SOexciting. They invite her to their fashion show and Morgan gleefully accepts. She tries on the dress, but wont show it on TV yet.
But where are the Loubs?
Dorothy and Jonny are going shopping for ingredients for dumplings because it is Chinese new year. The real purpose of the segment is to announce that Jonny’s idiotic DJ show is in two days. They are having this conversation in the middle of the market. Bianca is coming. Great.
Before Jonny can be in New York, we have to see Jennifer Weiner humor Morgan over dinner. Jenn says that Morgan has stories inside her and that people want to read them. Except not. Jennifer says that Morgan has to go back to dark places. She suggests that Morgan update the title to “The Whore of Beverly Hills” because WalMart wont stock a book with “blowjobs” in the title. Dont worry, neither will The Library of Congress.
Morgan meets with two sycophants who rehash some of Morgan’s dalliances when she was in NYC for a year and a half blowing people and getting over her ex. Like anyone needs to hear the stories of some blond idiot slutting around NYC for 5oo days and then slinking back to LA 35 pounds heavier.
While Morgan is reliving her glory (hole) days, Asscot, Saachi and Asscot mom are cake tasting cakes that at minimum are going to cost $2,000. Our wedding cake cost $500 and was from one of the best bakeries in NYC. This is just overpriced Betty Crocker crap. Fools. Asscot’s mom is no fan of the title of the book- neither is anyone with taste, class or decorum.
Back to the city that never sleeps, because Jonny is spinning wicked tunes in an empty room. Well, not completely empty, because Morgan shows up in white fur. Do any of these morons have a normal wardrobe?
Turn two knobs and play some pre-recorded music! DJ JONNY!
The night of 1000 douchebags is in full effect and Jonny is providing the horrendous soundtrack. Sparklers are in bottles and girls are Instagramming themselves. In other words, it is a typical vapid party. Bianca is there with two friends and no private security guard. Morgan is giving her the stink eye, although it could just be because she smelled Bianca’s natural egg fart odor. Bianca and Morgan avoid one another the entire evening, making this segment useless.
EJ is having his party for the nail color partnership thing. Correction, THIS segment is useless. At least we got to see Jonny pump a fist…
A Collection of Cretins, a Gaggle of Globs, a Team of Turds…
They talk about the nail polish. We learn that all the profits go to the LGBT Center of NY, so that is nice. The people at this party are seriously basic. This one girl named LYRIC shows up with teeth that make her look like a rabbit who took the short bus. And…done.
Seriously, how do you have two white buck teeth and then a row of dull chiclets?
Morgan and Asscot gets together to talk book titles. Morgan says she is un-apologetically herself and she wants to feel supported. Asscot says that he will not talk through the negatives of the title, which is forever and not just a temporary association. Asscot brings up a great point where he says that Jennifer’s suggestion that the title be changed to the whore of BH should tell Morgan something about what she thinks the contents are. While Asscot is at his bachelor party, he wants Morgan to think about it.
And then the episode ends. Leave some comments. What did you think? Is the title a good one?
Want more TrashTalk? Follow us on Twitter for updates of recaps as they publish, like us on Facebook for a daily update, watch our TV parody vids on YouTube, or for funny TV pics, heart us on Instagram, follow our TV parody boards on Pinterest, and get our daily microblogs on Tumblr!