Hello friends. My DVR did not record last week’s show (Big Bad Bianca) so to make up for it, I will provide a brief recap and fast track this past Sunday’s episode (Bachelorette Blow Up) with a bunch of extra screenshots and images. You’re welcome.
Big Bad Bianca:
Bianca and Dorothy get together for dinner (#dinner?) because Bianca has some secrets to spill. She tells Dorothy that Morgan calls her “Chinky Twinkie” behind her back. SCANDALOUS.
Bianca and two friends gather to make soup
Dorothy is upset- so much so that she actually registers a bit of melancholy in an otherwise blissful existence. Bianca thinks Dorothy should know who her true friends are. Morgan is having her bachelorette party in Miami so that will be a good opportunity to confront her on camera.
I has a sad.
The episode ends. I assume at some point EJ wore something by Rick Owens and vamped around a lot. Also, Asscot had his bachelor party in Cabo and drank and ate and probably did not go to see a donkey show.
Bachelorette Blow Up:
Everything is sparkles and Mercedes for Morgan who, with Asscot, is back at the jeweler looking at wedding bands. They start examining chunky bands, which always looks like the person wearing it is trying too hard. If you have a huge rock for an engagement ring, fine, but scale back to something elegant and understated for the bands. And, what do you know, I was right because Asscot- like me- prefers something classic. Morgan agrees and gets in a dig at guys who wear huge wedding bands, implicating that everyone knows you are married and that the wife is insecure. The jeweler calls them a good match together.
Dorothy gets dinner with Mom, Vivine. Vivine does not like to eat and insists on only a microdot of olive oil. Forget that nonsense, ladle that shit on my plate. She downloads Mom about the Bi-an-ca situation, enunciating her name. Dorothy is really hurt and Mom thinks she should stay away from her. She feels very put out and does not want to celebrate with her. Mom thinks she should treat Morgan extra nicely so she feels extra sorry. Devious mom…
Next stop: palm trees and ocean breezes, just on the opposite coast.
Zahra, the Maid of Honor, lays out the agenda of a scavenger hunt on Ocean Drive and some other activities. Dorothy tells Morgan she is tired but she is really sad. The girls, with EJ, dress up the suite with penis nonsense in anticipation while Morgan and Zahra chat downstairs. Credit goes to EJ who does not like the penis crap and refuses to wear a light up button or a mylar sash. Dorothy says in a cutaway that she wants to decorate the room with Twinkies. HA!
Made in China
The next morning, after partying until 7am, the girls put on their best halter tops and meet for brunch. Zahra passes out the scavenger hunt checklist. Morgan and Dorothy are the captains and SnapChat is the preferred method of updates.
They get piggyback rides from strangers, take silly shots at bars, look at hidden tattoos and look like they are enjoying the cliched activity. Dorothy refuses to let Morgan win just because she is marrying Asscot who is insufferable- or at least that is what I hear. Dorothy might have just said she wasnt going to let her win because it was her bachelorette party. Whatever.
Morgan has to kiss a stranger on the lips for the win and she pecks some musclehead on the beach. A quick high five and the segment concludes. Morgan thinks everyone won and now it is time for drinks. Good call.
You now have Hep C.
Back in #LA, Jonny brings Asscot to his dermatologist for #brotox. Asscot is going to get it under his armpits to minimize wet marks at the wedding and Jonny is just getting a needle in his forehead for no specific reason. Jonny loves the feeling of Botox. Asscot is making weird breathing noises, like a yelp / inhale as the needle goes in. I chuckle.
Shirt off. Sunglasses AND hat still on.
3000 or so miles eastward, more dining with Morgan, EJ, Dorothy and some nobody. EJ, being a little shit, asks how the conversation with Bianca went. Heh heh. Dorothy does not take the bait and wants to have a private conversation with Morgan later. Smart. Plus, more screen time.
When the girls get back to the suite, there is a large Asscot cardboard cut out- an Asscut, if you will.
Am I as big as your last boyfriend? Be honest.
The girls suddenly think to order pizza (code for strippers). The door bell rings and Morgan is texting. She is clueless as the guy opens a box of nothing and proceeds to grind away.
As the girls scream, the door bell rings and 2 police officers show up. Wait a second, those aren’t cops! Those are strippers too! Now we got ourselves a #party! #schlong
You make how much? Get away from me!
The girls take incriminating photos and then a hilarious moment as one of the more diminutive of the male gyrators drops Morgan mid-air thrust. She is none worse for the wear and the night concludes with peals of laughter echoing through a hotel hallway.
Finally, before the trip ends, Dorothy and Morgan gather for a tete a tete. Dorothy is really hurt and Morgan quickly apologizes for her jokes in bad taste. Dorothy wants to know where we go from here. Perhaps to go get some sesame chicken and then get over it? Dorothy needs time to process and heal but she does not know if she still wants to be a bridesmaid. Dorothy and Bianca FaceTime and Bianca thinks Morgan has twisted morals. OH calm down idiot. Dorothy invites Bianca to Miami for some idiotic reason and she is happily en route to cause drama.
Do you really want to hurt me?
INTERLUDE:
Apparently, EJ has a spin off show called “EJNYC”. What utter garbage. NO one needs more EJ, least of all NYC. I will not say one more word about it lest I boost his Google rankings.
Anyway, now Morgan and Asscot are Face Timing. Morgan downloads her fiancee on the ridiculousness. Asscot is supportive. Morgan says her mouth gets ahead of her brain- and for Asscot’s sake I hope so. #BJjoke
Dorothy hopes that talking to EJ will help her process her feelings. EJ sympathizes with Dorothy and calls the situation “ugly” but defends Morgan by saying that we all say stupid shit sometimes. True. EJ sees the potential for ruin that Bianca’s visit will bring but councils Dorothy that he does not think it is going to go the right way.
Morgan and EJ are chatting and EJ tells Morgan about Bianca’s pending arrival. Morgan knows she has a lot of making up to do for Dorothy but resolves to be cool.
Bianca and Dorothy are having dinner far away from the hotel. Bianca says that Dorothy was ready to say goodbye to her but that Dorothy will put on a front for Morgan. Bianca is really becoming a fucking wedge. An overly makeup-ed wedge. Bianca thinks what happened is hurtful to HER because of the way that Dorothy treated her vs. Morgan. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh no no no no. No you did not just try to make it all about you. Bianca is exhausting and an absolutely useless person. Bianca wants Dorothy to stand up for herself more often. THAT IS WHAT DOROTHY DID!
Someone please Elian Gonzalez this asshole to Cuba.
Then Morgan shows up with an attitude, wearing one of the worst tops I have seen on this show.
Like the puffy shirt from Seinfeld
Morgan sarcastically welcomes Bianca to her bachelorette party. HA. Morgan launches into a tirade about how if Bianca has something to say to say it to her…blah blah reality show cliche. Bianca says “do you really want to start this, bitch?” Thems fighting words! Morgan, never one to back down, tells Bianca that if everything she heard about Bianca were true everyone would know that she is a whore. OOOOO BURN!
Bianca asks why Morgan has to talk shit about Dorothy. Morgan calls Bianca a “scum bitch” and says that Bianca is the one who has had a problem with her, Dorothy and Asscot. All true. Morgan storms out of the restaurant telling Bianca to go fuck herself and that she and her are DONE. Bianca says that she knows a ton of stuff about Morgan and that she is going to fuck her life up.
AND that will have to wait until next week because this episode ends. Next week is the #wedding. OOOOOO, I cannot wait. Thanks for your patience this past week. Toodles!
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