We open with Stephanie pitching a song she wrote to the baby, to try to appeal to the youth demographic. She puts her headphones on him, and his face only hints at how much torture he is under. The two boys are playing Jenga, which the screamer completely ruins without even trying to do it well. He complains that he can never beat his older brother at anything. Cheer up, kid, I’m sure you’ve got him beat at any kind of voice volume competition. Stephanie walks over to Jackson and tells him to lay off his little brother, because she was the younger sibling loser once, and it wasn’t pleasant. The older kid rubs one of her losses in her face, and Stephanie asks him to lose every once in a while. I haven’t seen the original Full House recently, but I definitely don’t remember a trend of DJ “winning” all the time. If anything, DJ was a giant dork, while Stephanie was the whiney brat who got everything handed to her until she stopped being cute.
This kid has to be doing this on purpose. There’s no way he’s that bad.
DJ comes downstairs, ready for date with Steve, and confirms with Stephanie that she will be babysitting. Stephanie explains what just happened, and DJ rubs the loss in her face, too. Stephanie challenges DJ to a rematch, and DJ accepts, even though Stephanie is a foot taller than her now. They walk into the kitchen, where Kimmy is making a real live Dagwood, which she will never be able to eat unless she unhinges her jaw. Stephanie compares DJ to the Bachelorette, and says to ditch Steve because he’s the past. Just as DJ starts to protest, Steve walks in wearing his varsity letter jacket and a shitty Aladdin wig. Steve says he’s going to take DJ back to when they were “the hottest couple at Bayview High.” Man, I really weep for the state of Bayview High in the 90s. Those two were the most sterile, celibate couple I’ve ever seen.
Steve looks like he’s on his way to play Jonny in Zombie Prom.
Toffee, Toffee….
DJ goes upstairs to early-90s herself, and Steve tries to gather intelligence on Matt from Kimmy and Stephanie. Good luck. Kimmy is totally Team Steve, starting the mantra, “I’m Steve Hale, dammit!” This gets the baby super excited, and he throws his food all over the place. He talks about getting some kind of podiatrist award, and I can’t get over the fact that STEVE has a medical degree of any kind. DJ comes back downstairs in accessories that she never wore on the original show, because she was waaaay too much of a dork, and the original show’s costume aesthetic was a giant mess. They head out, making weird Dave Coulier and Alanis Morissette references, while Kimmy notes that Steve negated one of his defining character traits (eating) because he loves DJ so much. It was too good to be true, because he walks back inside and grabs the sandwich from Kimmy’s plate.
Raise your hand if you have never seen DJ wear any of these accessories.
Later, Kimmy is in her bedroom, giving a customer a discount on a baby shower that’s 6 months after a bridal shower. Her ex-husband Rico Suave comes up behind her, promising a surprising number of surprises. Ugh, I had forgotten how bad his accent was. He and Kimmy make out, and Ramona catches them. Everyone is all shocked, but they have hidden their affair from exactly no one. They try to make up truly weird stories to cover it up, but they finally admit to Ramona that they are back together. She makes up a portmanteau name for them, Fernimmy. Rico Suave announces that Kimmy is going on a scavenger hunt, which he says without his forced accent. It makes me even madder that they gave him this stupid accent in the first place. Apparently, he invaded the house to put clues all over the place, because the first clue takes her to the closet-room the twins used to occupy, where a dress is waiting.
The worst part about this is that it’s still a fairly minor reason Ramona will need loads of therapy.
Downstairs, the kids are playing Jenga again, which is a little surprising, because I’ve only ever played that game drunk. They are only on their second move, when Stephanie walks in and hints to Jackson to lose. Okay, but at least make it a little believable! What the fuck kind of Jenga hero would knock the tower over on the second piece? The screamer starts celebrating VERY awkwardly, for like 10 minutes, by taunting Jackson and taking off his shirt. The kid is barely out of the room, when Jackson says he let him win pretty loud. Max hears it, completely invalidating the shitty loss. Stephanie says it was her fault, because she thought he was the shittiest Jenga player of all time (she says he was on a seven-year losing streak, which would lead the audience to believe he was maybe 18 months old when he started). Max storms off, saying he’s going to “loser land,” and promptly disappears right under Stephanie’s nose. And wouldn’t you know, that’s right when DJ and Steve return from their date?! Who would have thought?!
I’m definitely on some FBI watch list for this. And now so are all of you.
Steve and DJ got kicked out of the high school (why did they go there???) because Steve was acting like a giant creep as always. They then tried to go to their “old beach,” which is now a nude beach for old people. Twist! It was always a nude beach for old people! They apparently stayed long enough to watch a volleyball game, though. Instead, they’re going to take over the backyard and make burgers and make out in front of her children. Stephanie pretends she’s playing a hide and seek game with Max, so DJ doesn’t find out he evaporated.
At least this is a pretty accurate amount of action for Steve and DJ’s dates back in the 90s. #TBT
Meanwhile, Kimmy is still going through her scavenger hunt, which takes her to Ramona’s closet. Uh, that is creepy as fuck. To top it all off, Kimmy’s Vietnamese nail lady is locked in there. WTF?!!! 1) When exactly did Rico Suave lock this lady up in there? Was Ramona asleep while it happened? 2) Can they not with the human trafficking jokes? 3) Fuller House will now be forced to issue an apology to Vietnam. In the other door of the closet is Kimmy’s Russian masseur. Sorry, Russia, I bet you didn’t expect to get roped into this, either. This fucking show, man. I am going to lose my shit. Aaaaannnnddd it just got a lot worse. Some lady is going to wax Kimmy Gibbler in her daughter’s bedroom. I guess now I know why Rico Suave is an ex-husband. Who tells someone he’s trying to fuck that it’s time for a waxing?
Maybe locking foreigners in closets for hours as a joke was a little too on the nose.
The “Max is missing” subplot ends abruptly, as Max is found in the doghouse, wearing a shirt now. How did he get that shirt on and disappear so fast? Does Max keep a stash of shirts in the doghouse? Stephanie fails horribly at giving him a pep talk, using the Wahlberg family and Calvin Klein underwear ads as framing devices. That is perfect for the child. Stephanie tells him to kick Tommy’s butt.
I really don’t want to know what he’s doing to that dog.
Inside, Steve is trying to date rape DJ, pouring an entire bottle of wine into her glass. He tries some acrobatics to season his burger. Great, I love half-seasoned burgers. They discuss how Ghost was their “make out movie.” Now I’m just picturing them in a bedroom watching Ghost a la I Love Lucy. There is no way these people never made out in high school, especially with how much of a nerd DJ was. Steve tries to imitate the Ghost pottery scene while handling raw eggs and beef. This is not the way to cop a feel, man. They sing “Unchained Melody” together. Do they know there are children in this house? And some still sane people in the audience?
Yeah, raw meat and eggs. Sexy!
As they are about to kiss, the screamer walks in, ratting out Stephanie for being a completely inept child minder. Steve decides to order pizza for the whole family and high-fives the screamer with his nasty raw hamburger hands. I just threw up in my mouth a little. Later, DJ totally lets her kids wrestle in the backyard with Steve, which makes me full-on retch in my room. Stephanie brings out what must be their original Twister mat, since I don’t know anyone who’s bought one in at least 15 years. She is in workout gear, while DJ is wearing heels. This is going to be great. They make it to four moves, and DJ rips her pants. Yes, that is literally what happens. Steve tries to cop another feel while putting a flannel top on her to cover her ass. DJ decides she’s done with this game, and breathes all over Stephanie, who falls over. Am I dying? This must be some kind of hell I’m living through.
DJ is oddly comfortable with all of this wrestling between Steve and her children.
Kimmy walks down to the yard, where Rico Suave is waiting to sing to her (a song written by Stephanie, which guarantees it’ll be awful). He gets too emotional to finish it and demands Stephanie sing it. He even gets angry that she’s not “performing.” Stephanie has to reenact the weird dance that comes with it, and it is nowhere near as cute as they think. Kimmy gets really into it and plops a kiss on Stephanie. Rico takes over, gets down on one knee, and shoves divorce papers at her. He wants to grant her wish to divorce him so he can ask her to marry him again. As if this episode wasn’t bad enough, a fucking falcon shows up with a ring around its neck. Steve takes this opportunity to comment on how much weirder Kimmy’s date was compared to DJ’s. Not by much, Steve. Not by fucking much. At least Rico Suave didn’t insinuate date rape.
Still more chemistry than Steve and DJ.
You can apologize for locking us in closets whenever you’re ready. Anytime, now.
Later, Max demonstrates Jenga to the baby, which I guess confirms that Max has been playing Jenga since he was a toddler himself. He loses on purposes to give the baby a happy childhood. Or something. I don’t give a fuck about this plot. Steve and DJ come through the kitchen, and DJ says she had fun once the date stopped being a date. Steve announces he’s going to give her a “sweet little kiss,” out of respect for the kids that he cared nothing about when he barely hid his boner from them earlier. This leads to them making out on the couch, which must be a first for them.
Who’s gotten more action out of this date, Steve, the burger meat, or DJ’s pants?
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