Hello trashies!! I’m back! It’s been a crazy week for me, what with Nick Jonas releasing a new album and all. But how could I forget, the premier of a brand new E! Hit: Famously Single.
I’m just going to begin by listing our “stars” and our first opinions of them.
Brandi Glanville: Though this is hardly a first impression of Brandi for me, she always gives us something to talk about. I might have gotten this show so I could write about the betch. Mostly famous for Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, being cheated on by Eddie Cibrian, and this outfit.
Don’t get me wrong, I hate Brandi Glanville…but she’s funny. Sometimes.
Jessica White: Supermodel. I am not familiar with her, but I definitely want to get a card reading from her, that shit looked good.
Also she is gooorrrrgeous
With a simple google search, it pops up that she has dated a lot of famous guys.
Aubrey Day: Danity Kane. Throughout the whole episode anytime she spoke she came off very “higher than thou”. Also does anyone else see this???
Please someone tell me I’m not alone.
Somaya Reece: Love & Hip Hop. Clearly the best person on the show. Kween. The fact that she is already going up against Brandi is giving me life. If anyone could ever put Brandi in her place… It’s this chick
Pauly D: We all know. I didn’t watch enough Jersey Shore but within 5 minutes I get it. He makes great tv. Terrible person, great tv. He made me do a spit take from laughing in that bar scene, which we WILL GET TO.
When you realize this show is AN HOUR LONG
Josh Murray: won the Bachelorette, looks like everyone else who ever did, and we are all shocked it didn’t work out.
If Cheyenne Jackson was straight.
Willis McGahee: Former NFL Running back. The creepiest smile and voice you will ever run across at your local CVS in the middle of the night. 8 kids with 7 different baby mamas. There’s something interesting about Willis, and nobody can figure it out.
Hey Girl- I couldn’t finish this joke because I’m going to get sick if I have to look at this picture for much longer.
Calum Best: Model & TV Personality. The second he walked through the door we all knew he was going to be Brandi’s new target. And google images proved me right.
His ears upset me 
So the whole gang is here and we start out by doing some speed dating where everybody talks about their past relationships and nothing all that interesting happens. Brandi hits on everyone, Pauly D tells us he hasn’t had a relationship since high school, Aubrey is judgy and has the weirdest judgy face I’ve ever seen.
We have a sit down therapy session with Pauly and I can think about is how the hell that hat is staying on his head.
Back in the kitchen (?), the stars are all getting to know each other and Brandi wastes no time bringing up the fact that she has lingerie and vibrators with her. Somaya wastes absolutely no time is calling Brandi out as a real typical basic bitch. Thank God.
Jessica tries to do a talking head and fuckin Willis rounds the corner with his creepy ass smile talking about how she loooves libras. What.
I’m just going to skip ahead to the real drama of this episode: The bar!!!!!
The whole gang goes out to a bar because it’s a terrible idea. Somaya and Pauly D are flirting which is hilarious to me. She would wreck him. WRECK him. Willis meets a woman who tries to make small talk with him and he whispers that he wants to take her into the bathroom and have some fun. #WhyYou’reSingle
A mechanical engineer BOY comes up to Brandi (and she tells him she’s in the real estate business lolol) and this is when the shit starts to go down. Pauly is drunk off his ass and starts off by whispering to Somaya that he can’t wear a pink shirt and a black one underneath. Which of course is so rude and such bullshit but holy s did it make me laugh, I’m sorry. He then GOES UP TO THIS GUY and tells him “You can’t come into VIP wearing a pink shirt”, which is BEYOND RUDE BUT HILARIOUS. I actually lost it when Pauly just started yelling WHAT ARE THOOOOOSE?!?! – This is when I did the spit take. To be fair, his shoes were bad. In some weird way it reminded me of some of my high school guy friends and made me want to hang out with Pauly.
It was really difficult to get a picture of the shoes but I tried my darnedest.
I love that the camera guy got a shot of his shoes, walking away after being verbally assaulted. The drama. The fact that the drama of this episode is around a MEME makes me so happy to be alive right now.
“If I see a ‘What are those?!’ I can’t hold it in.” -Pauly D
The guy FOR SOME REASON tries to come back to the table and Somaya tells him to leave because she doesn’t want to hear What are those anymore. This leads to a parking lot fight between she and Brandi and it’s amazing. It really isn’t even Somaya’s fight, but Pauly is too drunk to defend himself. The best part of this fight is probably Paul in the back just saying “I didn’t like his shoes, fuck!” We know, Pauly.
Any time Brandi gets into a confrontation, she goes into her ghetto talk and that is not going to fly with Somaya so they are perfect enemies.
A typical Brandi insult.
They go back to the house and try to make up, Brandi wearing a bra and Somaya is wearing a fur coat. Who is going to win. Aubrey Doe eyes stands in the background and watches the fight until it ends with the line “we ain’t honeys”
We get to therapy(is that what this is?) and Darcy?Katie Maloney lookalike asks what happened last night, to which Brandi replies “I made the terrible decision to wear this hat and scarf today”
Darcy tells Pauly D that he maybe can’t make jokes like that since he’s a celeb, and she says “celeb” like ten times and it’s so weird. She then lets us know that two of the people from the bar last night were secretly their dating coaches, but whoooo?! Guess we will have to find out next week! I hope it’s shoe guy and bathroom girl.
Thank you all for reading! I’m so excited to be recapping again for what seems to be a promising show. If you want to follow me on twitter, I’m @grumpykat42 warning: lots of political tweets! If you want to avoid those, I just created a facebook page for myself where I’ll be posting my recaps and whatever updates. Thank you all so much, PLEASE leave comments, reading them makes me so happy and it’s validation from strangers on the internet, which is what we are all here for anyway. LOVE YOU ALL AND LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE
xoxoxoxox kat